It’s been two months now that I’ve been living down by the creek.
That’s as long as I was in New Zealand.
Crazy.
Rough day.
I think the truth of life is that no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.
All of my fears are coming true, some of them far worse than I ever imagined.
The things I’m nervous about happening, seem to all come to pass. I’d say it couldn’t have gone worse with a bunch of things, but… clearly it could have. It just went really really badly.
Even some of the things I express gratitude over, it’s not that it went well: the gratitude is simply that it’s done.
The sale of the Volkswagen? I got barely anything for it, but I was so emotionally in the toilet, that I needed something to move forward. $2200 was a crappy value to get out of it in my opinion. I had offers around there when it didn’t even have a title.
But it was gone… and that was badly needed progress.
Then disassembling Loaf and junking the carcass. The van broke down just recently, right when i was getting ready to sell it… so I fix it… some of it… and then I end up disassembling it to have spare parts for ET.
But so much wasted time. So. Much. Wasted. Time.
All that time disassembling… Most likely wasted time.
I was pleasantly surprised by the $240 I got from the scrap metal place, but when all is said and done, $240 for that van? That’s all? That’s like worst case scenario. Worse than worst case scenario.
But again, it’s positive progress, at least it’s gone.
Doesn’t seem to matter how bad things are. They just seem to get worse. People, even myself, have always tried to encourage others about how things will be better. The hard times pass. Things get better.
They don’t. Life sucks.
It gets worse and worse every year.
I’m tired of it. Life, from my own perspective, isn’t worth living. No matter how hard I try, it’s just one mess after another. One hole after another to climb out of.
I feel trapped without escape. I can’t even walk away. I’m stuck dealing with more than I have the bandwidth to deal with.
The only way is through, and that through is a hell that just gets worse and worse and worse.
I keep thinking maybe there’s some light at the end of the tunnel, but no, there’s no end to the tunnel. The light I hoped was the end of the tunnel turns out to just illuminate a sign that tells you there’s more tunnel of unknown length, oh, and by the way, this next section of tunnel is slimy and smelly and full of critters you can’t see but can feel crawling all over you.
I need out. The pain and agony of life, both emotional and physical isn’t worth it.
Life is hell. Why on earth would I want to keep going through it?
It’s just not worth it.
I stay because I still have the tiniest spark of hope. I stay because I don’t want to be selfish. I stay because I’m afraid of the pain of the process of death itself. I stay because I don’t want to make yet another bad decision and maybe life could actually get better? Maybe it could be worth living?
I don’t even know how to describe the emotional agony that life is for me right now. The pain and desperation is so powerful, yet there’s no physical sensation to go along with it, so it’s like it’s not even real.
How do you describe emotional agony? There’s no physical sensation that accompanies it. It’s just absolute desperation with no relief.
There’s no relief.
That’s why life isn’t worth living.
There’s no relief.
It doesn’t get better. It always gets worse.
Today, tax… I’ve tried so hard to get my taxes done properly. I agonize over every stupid receipt, trying to make sure that I’m 100% square with the government. I hire an accountant because I’m overwhelmed and finally I’m just willing to pay an accountant To at least do the the interfacing with the government because I don’t know exactly where to slot all the different expenses and incomes and everything, and it’s just overwhelming. It’s bad enough trying to take care of all the little things like all the receipts and records and all that other stuff that only I can do.
So I pay an accountant. She does my accounting for 2019 through 2021. Then I find out from my new accountant that the last one didn’t do my accounting properly. She said I could claim mileage but not vehicle expenses, but that wasn’t right. I’m an S corp. And I’m using business vehicles. I’m not allowed to claim mileage. I can only claim expenses. So now I’ve got years 2019 through 2021 that are screwed up mileage versus expenses. And I benefited because mileage was a lot more than expenses. So I didn’t pay my proper share of taxes for those years.
And to go back and try and correct them, I’ll get fined for being late on getting the correct information in, and I’ll have to pay interest on the extra that I owe, and I think on the penalty fees as well.
So I’m getting hosed over… it’s going to be massive time and effort To try and figure out how much more I’m going to owe the government. So I’m going to waste gobs and gobs of time trying to figure out records that I can’t even figure out because I didn’t keep track of them because I wasn’t supposed to keep track of them. So I’m going to have to piece stuff together over years of records, making educated guesses as to what it might have been.
And then there’s what we figured out this latest time around. She wasn’t doing reasonable compensation correctly. At least, that’s what my new accountant says, and as best I can tell from doing my research, my new accountant is 100% correct on the mileage versus expenses mistake that my previous accountant made, and she appears to be correct on the reasonable compensation issue as well. I’m still wrapping my brain around it, but it definitely appears that my previous accountant pretty significantly undervalued the reasonable compensation standard.
So now I’ve got years 2019 through 2022 that all have improper compensation, my salary wasn’t high enough, meaning I didn’t pay enough taxes.
More penalties. More interest paid on what I owe– years of interest.
I’m not even allowed to go back and amend 2019, and I don’t know, I don’t think I can amend 2020. I could have amended 2020 last year when I first learned about the issue with the mileage versus expenses. But I didn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I was overwhelmed. And learning what I’m learning now, it likely should be amended twice.
But the government has their 3-year cut off. Can’t amend anything more than 3 years old.
But my conscience doesn’t have a 3-year cut off.
My conscience says that if I didn’t pay my fair share of taxes, then I need to pay my fair share of taxes.
I’m so overwhelmed and so discouraged and just… I need this to be over, but every time I think I’m getting closer to it being over, it gets further and further away, and not just in the amount of effort it’s going to take to get it resolved, we’re talking thousands and thousands of dollars, possibly tens of thousands of dollars.
Boy have I seen that closer and closer thing before. It’s the ongoing nightmare of that other hardest part of my life. Thinking it’s closer, only for it to be further and further away.
I hate life. I hate it. I barely have enough energy to force myself to keep going each day with my life as it is, all this business stuff aside, all the crap that I have to deal with still to close this business down. Take all that off the table, and I barely have enough reason in my own mind to get up each day.
But the prospect of now spending countless more hours just trying to figure out how much more I am going to owe because my previous accountant didn’t know what she was doing?
Why? Why expend the energy?
I’ll expend the energy because I don’t want to stiff the government. If I owe them money, then I owe them money, and offing myself will leave that account unsettled.
So my conscience dictates that even if I were to kill myself, I need to fix this first and make sure the government got what the law demands because I don’t want to leave this life with accounts unsettled.
I hate my life.
I spent half the day trying to figure out reasonable compensation for 2023. I still don’t know if I have it right or not. It’s a grey area. I hate grey areas.
This is killing me. I need it to be over. I need all this to be over. I need the taxes stuff and the business equipment stuff and that path that god supposedly told me to follow. I need it all to be over. I’m not capable of this. I’m. Not. Capable. Of. Dealing. With. This.
There is nothing left of me. I’m at the last bloody, ragged edge.
I want out. I need out.
This pain is not worth it. I’m not strong enough or good enough for this. I can’t go on like this.
“Out brief candle…”
I need relief. I need this to be done–all of it.
I don’t want to write anymore for today. There were things that happened and other frustrations today that…
I don’t want to write anymore.
I hope all who read this have lives that, for you, are worth living.
Good night.
Lift the World 