(written on the 25th from notes taken previously)
It was probably around 11:00 when my mom went to bed, and I came back to the fire.
Nancy came back to the fire as well, and we started talking.
And talking.
…and talking.
Gosh, we talked about so many things.
About life, top to bottom.
About things going on for her and things going on for me.
About hard things.
About the past, about the present, about the future… about what events and experiences led up to bringing us together.
Deeper and deeper and deeper we dove, reaching the depths of both of our souls.
It was probably about 1:00 in the morning when my mom crawled out of the van wondering where I was, seeing I wasn’t in the van with her.
It was probably 2:00 in the morning when I went back to the van, grabbed all my blankets, and headed back to Nancy and the remains of the fire.
It was cold.
October in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies.
I had been putting my hands on the rocks around the fire to try to keep warm because there was still a lot of warmth in the rocks.
With the blankets, we just huddled up together, and kept on talking.
There had been tears at times, depending on the topic at hand, and holding hands to support.
Our hearts were both wide open and all spilled out, nothing off the table… except one part of my life I promised God I would keep private and only share with his blessing.
Nancy eventually lay down across my lap and asked me to hum or sing or… something like that… so I did both.
I started by humming, and then I softly sang… song after song after song.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been that close to a woman, just… holding a woman I cared about. I don’t remember for sure, but I think maybe it’s been since 2005, since my only college girlfriend.
Almost 20 years.
I’ve been so lonely.
I just sat there on the ground next to a dead fire wrapped up in blankets holding her hand and holding her as she lay across my lap.
With my spine issues, I dealt with the pain and discomfort for a long time before switching positions and finally just lying down on my back, with her next to me, head on my chest.
I didn’t fall asleep. I don’t know if that was just because of the protector inside of me, being out in the wild, or if it was the feelings I felt or the thoughts that ran through my head.
I think she might have dozed maybe just a tiny bit, but mostly was awake as well.
When the first light of the day began to illuminate our surroundings, we both sat back up and started right back talking.
Difficult conversation.
We had become so close so quickly, and it was an absolutely beautiful experience to spend that time with each other, so close both physically and emotionally, but there were things that made it so an “us” just couldn’t be, things on both sides.
My heart had already been breaking a little bit through the night, knowing that though I already cared deeply for her, there was this other path that I had felt like God was wanting me to go down, one that… ruled out this one.
And there was more keeping us apart anyway than just what was on my side.
My heart finished breaking as Nancy and I talked, the world having become bright around us, but the sun still hidden behind the hills.
I was shattered into little pieces and took myself out of the conversation, unable to speak because of the tears that were starting to come and the immense pain that I felt.
I can’t talk when I cry, and I was in so much pain that I didn’t want to be there anymore anyway.
So I walked away… walking down the rocky road that had led up to where we had parked, and on to the other dirt road that went back to the main road. I walked and walked and walked, my heart aching from a wound soul deep.
Eventually, I came back to camp. Nancy had climbed in her van to sleep, but there was no sleeping for me.
I had seen Silvertip Falls from the road on my walk, and since there was no way I was going to be falling asleep anytime soon, I decided to go ahead and hike up to it.
It was gorgeous.
It wasn’t an easy hike, which precluded my mom from being able to do it reasonably. We definitely could have done it, but it would have taken hours and hours to make sure that she was safe.
I stayed up at the Falls for a little while, thinking, and taking in the beauty.
And hurting.
I think it was nine something when I came down from the falls. My mom was a little worried about me and had put her clothes on and was getting ready to head up the falls to try and find me, I think.
And Nancy emerged from her van not too long after I got back.
It was awkward for me to be around Nancy at this point. So close, but now so broken.
I had promised her the night before that I would give her van a good look over before she headed out to keep going on her cross-country trip.
She knew I was having a really rough time, but I strongly encouraged her to go ahead and hike up to the falls, knowing that it was going to be a breathtaking view for her.
While she was gone, I tried to figure out why her coolant level had been low, as well as looking over other parts of her car to make sure she was going to be okay continuing her trip.
She was gone for a good long time, longer than I expected. I had finished my lookover of her van long before she got back, and I relayed the information I found to her.
Basically, I couldn’t find anything wrong.
Nancy told me that she wanted to talk to me before we said our final goodbyes, so after we got everything packed up, I let my mom know that I was going to talk to Nancy.
It was a hard conversation. We talked for a decent little while, nothing like last night, but still, a good little while.
I was in little pieces, but she wanted to work through it anyway. I didn’t want to, but It was really important to her, so we did.
I shared my feelings and what was going on for me, and she also shared some powerful things that were going on for her.
It was yet another very beautiful, but this time also very hard conversation.
Nancy had some things on her mind that I encouraged her to ponder and record, and it was going to be better for me to not be present for that, so I left her to spend some time on her own again.
I brought her some crackers and water at one point, and then some toilet paper to blow her nose from the cold weather, but other than that, I just left her to do the thinking and recording I encouraged her to do.
At length, it came time to part ways.
We gave each other a huge hug, and I told her that I loved her. And I think she said the same to me in return. It’s a bit of a blur at this point.
Our goodbyes proved to be premature, as we stopped on the way out to look back at the waterfall, so my mom could see what she missed. From the road below, as I mentioned, you could at least see some of the waterfall. It cascaded down over multiple Cascades, several hundred ft, I think.
We all got out and took a selfie. Then we stopped again to get gas because Nancy was running on almost empty, and not knowing where we were going, as before, I wanted to make sure the tank was topped up.
Then we headed over to the auto parts store because I wanted to make sure that Nancy was good to go on her way. Unfortunately, the auto parts store was closed because it was a holiday weekend for them.
Not wanting her to be stranded anywhere, I gave her one of my gallons of distilled water and a jug of concentrated coolant, and then we finally parted ways.
It was hard to leave. It still is. Most of that night last night was a perfect night for me, except that I knew that it couldn’t ever be, at least not as I currently understood things from God.
I’m so lonely.
And I miss her already.
It just doesn’t feel right for her to not be where we’re going next.
But… it is what it is. Life is hard. Reality is sometimes painful.
Nancy was behind us for maybe the first 45 minutes or so of our drive northeast, before I abruptly pulled over to try to take a picture of a beautiful view, as well as to use the outdoor facilities, at which point she drove on by.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to see her again.
My heart hurts.
I hope that I’m not just wrong and spending my life alone, to this point, because I misunderstood God.
I’m so lonely.
I want someone to melt together as one with, to treat like a queen, to love with my whole soul.
My mom and I kept driving up the five until it ended, running into Canadian interstate highway 16, where we headed Northwest, my goal being to drive all the way up to The northernmost end of the Canadian Rockies and then to head down their entire length, top to bottom.
I found a place for us to stay just outside of Crescent Spur at a recreation site at Lasalle Lakes West. We stopped to take pictures of beautiful scenery many times along the way, until it got dark.
Gratefully, it got dark right around the perfect time because we were going to eventually be coming back the way we had come, And with it being dark, we would see everything for the first time on our way back.
I took some pictures of the moon over the lake at the campsite and was a good bit quieter than normal, I think.
There’s an empty place in my heart, a lot of pain, a profound sense of loss, a fear of the future, and an abiding loneliness that… never goes away.
Among other things.
I messaged Nancy to make sure that she had made it somewhere for the night safely, and that her van was doing fine, and she had, and it was.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 