(written on the 28th)
Today was a heavy day for me.
Sundays have been hard lately because there’s a part of me that wants that relationship with God back. There’s a part of me that feels like the LDS faith is where is best to be, but quite honestly, I don’t want to go back to church. I don’t want to go back to a religion.
I want to go out and lift the world in the ways that I want to and not have so much of my life taken up with assigned, albeit voluntarily accepted, roles to play.
And then there’s that little important bit about how my relationship with God has evolved into a PTSD trigger for me.
Mild, yes, but real.
Anyway, everyone left for church, and I… stayed. I listened to some church stuff, conference talks a bit.
I texted back and forth with Nancy a bit. I let her know… Friday, I think it was, that I wanted to chat with her. We were going to talk yesterday, but that didn’t work out, so we were going to make it today.
Except… I didn’t really feel good about it.
Ugh.
I’m so tired of this.
At this point, I’m wondering if I’ve got pre-built neural pathways that just “go there,” when it’s not really “direction” from God, just because I’ve had that happen so much in the past.
🤷
I can think of good reasons that pursuing a friendship or any other kind of relationship might not be a good thing, but really?!?! Why these feelings all the time? Why can’t I just have a normal life?!?! Why the drama and the ridiculousness?!?!
Why the weirdness?!?!
I’m so lonely. 😞
I wasn’t up for being around anyone–melancholic… sad–so I jetted off to Cascade Springs before everyone got back from church, spending the next 5 hours, or so, there.
At first, I was catching up on journal entries, and texting a little bit back and forth with Nancy.
I let her know that I was conflicted about calling her and told her why.
Eventually, we decided to go ahead and have the conversation, so she called me on Messenger (because we didn’t know if her cellular provider would charge her for me calling her from the United States).
We ended up talking for 2 and 1/2 hours. 😅
About stuff going on for her and stuff going on to me. We talked and talked and talked until she needed to go.
I probably talked too long. Hopefully, I wasn’t a bother. I don’t think so, but my own personal insecurities rise up to cloud reality sometimes.
After talking, she sent another message or two via text, so I texted some replies, and then I realized that it was Sunday and that I needed to get my butt moving on JustAnswer before the end of the day (which is actually like 8:00 p.m. If you want it to count for the same day), just in case I hadn’t worked enough to get myself bumped back up to the next next pay level, if that indeed was even the reason why I was knocked down.
(I had communicated with I think three different customer service people in different departments, and no one could tell me why I was knocked down. They all could tell me the same unhelpful criteria I already had for how to get bumped up, but no one could point to which of the criteria I didn’t meet that knocked me down.
How can nobody know that?
Anyway, I headed back to the ranch, sat mostly quietly in one of their recliners while everyone else talked, and I worked on JustAnswer stuff.
So much on my mind… I wasn’t really wanting to be with people, but I didn’t want to not be with family when I’m there to visit them, and those visits don’t come very frequently.
So there you go. That was the day.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 