(written on the 25th)
Sold my Civic. Sold my electric guitar. Sold my laundry detergent two-year-ish supply.
Spent most of multiple days at Haven Hill de-vining the woods, burning fields, cleaning up my little area by the creek, etc.
Went to physical therapy appointment. Been slowly getting receipts digitized while burning the physical copies. Continuing to sort and toss and give away and sell my stuff.
Nerve issues just keep getting worse and worse. It’s… bad.
I’m… scared for what the future holds for me, physically–very scared.
My mental health is following the same trajectory as my physical. It’s… bad.
I know what I’m about to write is awful to write, and I’m sorry.
…but it’s real, as pathetic and selfish as it might be.
Suicidal ideation has been a very regular part of my thinking for… a long time now.
Recently, though, there’s been a significant shift in my underlying perspective. I used to be mostly concerned about the pain of the death process I chose as well as being afraid to die because part of me is worried there is no afterlife, and I’ll just cease to exist. Now, though those fears are likely still there to some degree, my main concern is just fear that God will send me to hell were I to go through with killing myself.
It’s an interesting internal shift as I look inside my mind.
Anyway, I’m barely functional–spending the bulk of every day drowning my fears and pains and struggles by staring at my little phone screen. (Which… I shattered beyond use yet again, so I’m back on my New Zealand phone… trying to decide if I want to spend another $230ish a third time, or just go back to the cheap phones I always used to get that were half the price of the screen for this one. 🤷♂️)
I’m lonely, hurt, scared, exhausted, and trying to figure out how to move forward, or if it’s even really worth it to me to keep going.
There’s a part inside of me that absolutely screams for me to fight through. I can feel it in there, but I’m growing more and more numb and incapable of overcoming.
I just don’t have the energy anymore.
Passion is all but dead in me.
😕
But I’m still physically alive, so I… keep going.
Lift the World 
why worry about death? It’s inevitable. God will determine the correct time. You’re lonely. Loneliness kills.
Get out there and live!!
Wasting too much time on death. It’s already in the plan. Already taken care of.
Go join a group. It’s okay to ask for help.
join a club. A playing card group. Something…anything you enjoy.
You were given this life. Go out and live!! Enjoy your life!!