(written on the 15th)
I’m anxious.
Living in a state of perpetual overwhelm, I’m pretty terrified right now to go to Alaska for my friend’s wedding.
So much to do. So many choices to make on the shoulders of someone whose emotional capacity affords little more than the ability to press the next episode button as I binge watch Castle while simultaneously feeling ashamed of myself for my pathetic struggles.
Just thinking about packing alone is overwhelming.
So much I have to bring for such a short trip. And then that ever present pressure, self-imposed, to figure out how to get everything in my carry-on bag so as to not have to spend money to check a bag…
Stupid, ridiculous pressure, but that’s… me. That’s how I feel. That’s how my brain works.
I always travel light, and in the old days, you didn’t have to pay for checked bags, so I always feel ripped off when somebody wants to charge me to travel with luggage.
I don’t like feeling ripped off. It’s sort of a moral crusade to find a way around.
So I’m stressing over how to fit everything into my carry-on and personal bags.
Dress clothes, winter clothes…
I should just check a bag, pay the fee, and be done with it, but… It’s hard to get myself to do that when it’s about the same price to just travel there, buy clothes while I’m there, and donate them.
And I just feel like I’m getting ripped off. 😅
I’m also anxious because traveling by plane is one of the worst things for my spine, and as luck would have it, I did something yesterday that significantly aggravated my spine issues, and I’ve been really really really bad all day today.
So now I have a 4-hour drive to the airport, followed by 11 hours of plane travel, first leg from Kansas City to Seattle, and second from Seattle to Fairbanks.
(special note to thank my mother for being willing to drive me to the KC airport, which is twice the drive for her) that it is for me.
I forgot to buy food for the trip, so I’m going to be pretty hungry throughout the travel day unless I break down and buy airport food.
But again, I hate getting ripped off, and even more so as a consequence of poor planning on my part.
Anyway, so I’m super anxious.
I did make choices that I don’t usually like to make. I rented a car. I hate renting cars because it feels like a waste of money.
I paid for a hotel instead of sleeping in the car.
Supposed to get down to -17 my first night there… And between the cold and my spine, probably not a smart decision, though, for the cost of the hotel, I could probably let the car idle with the heat on all night, if it weren’t a safety hazard, and stay plenty warm.
I think this is going to be the most expensive trip I’ve ever taken. 4 days will cost me about as much as my 5 weeks did in Europe as a 21-year-old. 🙃
My biggest concerns, though, are clothing and my spine issues.
I think I tweaked my back lifting my new portable power station. I bought the heavy one, and I probably shouldn’t have. I thought I was going to be okay, but unless it was something else, something tweaked my back really badly yesterday, so from the moment I woke up this morning, even though I didn’t notice anything yesterday, and maybe it wasn’t anything from yesterday, maybe it was just something in my sleep somehow, but from the moment I woke up, I was having serious issues all day.
So I’m really nervous for this trip, as it’s quite likely that I will have serious spine issues, not just for the travel days, but for all days, and I’ll quite likely come back to Arkansas a mess.
I’m really not looking forward to that.
I’m pretty anxious about that. Pain meds don’t help. Pain meds don’t help nerve issues.
Buying the car rental and the hotel was actually a form of self-preservation from the anxiety of not being able to be free to get away and go where I need to when I needed to.
Emotionally, I need an escape.
Man, I just feel so pathetic. I listen to myself dictate what’s going on with me, and I just… I’m embarrassed.
I feel weak and pathetic.
On the positive side of things, I found somebody down in Fayetteville selling basically new $125 Columbia winter boots for $20–and apparently my size. 🤞
So I spent a little bit in gas money to drive down there in Rover and pick them up, but I still made out like a bandit.
Chase told me to make sure I brought winter boots, and with it being negative 17 the night that I get there… yeah.
I also just signed up for a year-long membership with Planet Fitness. After all the taxes and fees and what not, I think it’s about $33/month for the year-long membership.
Something like that.
Planet Fitness is all over the place, and I bought the membership that lets me go into any gym anywhere, and bring a friend, which means the next time I go on a road trip with my mom, assuming we go again, if there’s a Planet Fitness, we can both grab a hot shower for free, and perhaps, at 24-hour locations, park for the night.
Also might help me figure out if there’s much of anything I can do, exercise wise, to help my spine issues.
🤞
Sold the last of my audio cables today.
Sold my leakdown tester as well.
Struggled to get up the strength to pack. Mostly just stared at my phone screen. 😕
Spine is… bad.
Wish I knew exactly what I did to aggravate it so badly.
Anxious about tomorrow.
Think I’ve been so anxious I must be grinding my teeth in my sleep. I noticed my teeth have been more sensitive than normal (they’re super sensitive anyway), and I looked in the mirror, and several parts of my teeth are badly worn down, one large part all the way down to the dentin.
Lovely.
Guess I’ll be making a dentist appointment soon.
Things are rough.
~ stephen
Lift the World 