I spiraled a good bit.
Don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe it was getting snowed in with soggy ground and not feeling like I wanted to drive on it because I didn’t want to leave deep muddy ruts, and Jim’s truck and the tractor were in the way of me going out the gravelly spot, and I didn’t want to bother anybody to move anything so that I could get out.
So I just stayed where I was for two days solid. Didn’t really do anything constructive. Just sat on my phone, watching movies and TV again. I’ve been good for a week, and had been feeling better and more upbeat and positive.
When I do things that are contrary to what my personal values are, I just… don’t do well.
Not that it’s a shock. That’s pretty normal, I think. If I’m not true to what I believe, then I’m not going to be happy.
And the movies and the TV are pretty much always a catalyst to… other stuff. 😞
Which is also completely against my personal values and desires for what I want to do and who I want to be.
And then I added a bunch of comfort food, and pretty soon I spiraled pretty deeply.
I’m slightly coming out of it now.
I think all that sugar exacerbates the dark feelings.
Anyway, so there’s not really anything to report at all for Sunday or Monday, other than that my blender came, so now I can do smoothies, if I can just get myself to stop eating this crap.
You know one of the things that I’ve prayed for over the years is the ability to understand what other people are going through.
I’ve never had a problem with food addiction, but as I watch myself unable to keep that area of self-discipline that I’ve never really had an issue with before. Sure I would go binging and what not at times or I would just sort of live off of sugar and crap for a while, but I was always able to just flip a switch and stop and be totally fine.
This is the first time that my food issues have taken on the form of an addiction.
So I guess maybe I can empathize a little bit more with people. I look in the mirror at the gym with my shirt off, and I just sort of cringe. And yet… I haven’t found the motivation yet to do what needs to be done to properly take care of myself.
The desire for comfort food is overriding the desire to have a healthy, attractive body.
For now.
But I’ve got my blender now. Maybe I can get over the hump. 🤞
Anyway, so Sunday was spent doing JustAnswer and wasting my life on my phone screen.
Monday was only wasting my life on my phone screen. Didn’t answer a single question first JustAnswer.
😕
I re-watched the first two seasons of Reacher. I watched all the Jurassic World movies… including part of the second one and all of the third one this morning.
I did manage a small victory yesterday. I really didn’t want to go to the gym, but I finally got myself to go, and I got myself to do everything but cardio, amazingly.
It was bicep/back day, so that makes it easier because that’s the day with the fewest number of exercises–just four.
But it was a victory nonetheless, since I was in a pretty low place.
Been doing a little bit of research into portable power stations again to try and find something that will suit my needs. I can’t have a power station that doesn’t work in cold temperatures, so I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do yet. I did a whole crap ton of research that zeroed me in on the particular device that I chose, but looks like I completely struck out even though it was the best on paper and have lots and lots of great reviews.
I wish I had taken notes as to why I chose that one over the others. There was a specific reason why I chose that one over the Jackery, and I just don’t remember.
So I’m doing research again. I’ve been trying to have a power station for a month now, I think, and I keep striking out.
Just boggles my mind how often brand new stuff is either broken or not as advertised.
So much wasted time. Frustrating.
Still waiting to hear back from my buddy John to see if he still wants to go to Suriname.
Did my laundry at my mom’s place today. I gave her a nickel or two since I’m using her house as a laundromat. I suppose I could just go to a local laundromat and it would be about the same price or cheaper than driving over with the cost of gas in my big van.
But I also got to see her a little bit, so that’s the bonus.
Was a high of 73° today. Crazy that today I was overheating in the van when just a few days ago, it was below zero.
Nutty. We went from record lows or close to record lows to March/April weather.
I’m hoping for a really long spring, especially if I end up staying a little while in Arkansas as I try and sell all my stuff.
Crossing my fingers that we don’t get in early summer like we’ve gotten in years past. 🤞
Took a shower at my mom’s place as well, and decided to weigh myself since she found her scale.
197.
😶
[gulp]
That’s… going backwards. 😅
I don’t know what I should be, but I would guess with the working out that I’ve been doing and whatnot, probably somewhere around 185.
So 197 is… quite a bit pudgy for my taste. Apparently there are no fat emojis… I guess society is a little too PC for that, American society, that is. 🙃
Fortunately, I don’t look at it as a big deal right now. It’s just not what I want and not what I expect of myself.
Certainly a lot easier to put on weight when I’m eating all the junk food and have completely fallen off the vegan wagon.
And to be fair, a good bit of the weight that I’ve put on I expect is muscle growth and water weight from the additional muscle growth. That’s one area of success that I have in my life right now–I’m making consistent steady gains in the weight training department. I figure maybe I’ll just keep upping the weight on the machines until I max out the machines capacities and then just go from strength gains to endurance gains.
With my spine issues, loading up weight racks to do free weight lifting is a bad idea. I can’t put the weight on my spine without causing significantly increased nerve issues. So it’s just resistance exercises that don’t exacerbate symptoms, which even some resistance exercises exacerbate symptoms.
Still haven’t found good abdominal exercises that don’t cause me spine issues.
Anyway, it’s about 3:30 in the afternoon… I’m about to put my second load of laundry in the dryer. I’ll be back to finish up later tonight…
…
Okay, I’m back. Laundry done at my mom’s place. Chatted with her for a little bit as well. Did a little bit of online car mechanic work.
Stopped by Haven Hill and did a little burning of stuff. 🔥
Unboxed my blender. I’ll use it for the first time tomorrow, probably for breakfast.
Watched a bunch of YouTube stuff.
And right now I’m at the gym. Walked for an hour. One and a half more exercises to do before I’m finished with my chest / tricep / shoulder day.
Moved up in weight on a couple more exercises. 🥳
Gratitude List:
- I’m grateful to be doing a little bit better today mentally and emotionally.
- I’m grateful to have my laundry done. I’ve been a little nervous about poison ivy contamination after all the work I did on Saturday with poison ivy Vines all over. Messed around with a whole bunch of poison ivy tonight as well, but hopefully I stayed free of it. 🤞
- Grateful to be able to spend some time chatting with a couple of old friends today.
- Grateful to have been able to get a shower.
- Grateful that Rover just keeps on going and going and going.
- Grateful for the flexibility I have in my life, despite the fact that I feel trapped by the stuff I own, truly, I’m actually very free. It’s just a state of mind being trapped by my stuff because I don’t like loose ends but require time and energy and effort of an unknown quantity just hanging out there needing to be done.
Success List:
- Back at the gym even though I just don’t want to be right now.
- Walked for an hour, despite the chafing 😅
Improvement List:
- Really want to get a handle on my potty mouth.
Here’s to no junk on the menu tomorrow.
🤞
I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that what I see is result of reasonable dedication to my health, not evidence of my inability to control my vices.
Let’s go. 💪
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 