(written on the 7th, 8th, and 9th 😅)
So hard to remember the days…
I’m standing in the dark right now (evening of the 7th) in the lower field on the backside of the property, the same field that I was burning in April last year when I put the ax into my leg.
I love to see the glow of the fire against the hill sides.
It’s quiet and nice.
Unfortunately, it’s not relaxing because… I don’t feel home. I don’t feel settled. I’m always… feeling uncertain… So I’m doing this (all the Haven Hill work) to help out, but I… don’t know where home is.
In some ways, Arkansas makes the most sense. I love the land here. My Arkansas family wants me to be here. There’s a place for me here already.
Anywhere else I go in the country, if I want to buy a piece of land the size that I want to actually live on, I won’t be near family. The more the time goes by, the more important it is for me to spend time with family, especially since I don’t have a family of my own.
My Arkansas Wright clan family is mostly in Arkansas on or near Haven Hill. My blood family… is all over. There’s no being close to my blood family. I can’t afford Utah, and I don’t want to be a sardine packed into suburbium infinitum.
I hate it.
And Utah just… is too hard anyway… too much painful history.
So where to go? Where’s home?
I have no home.
…
Haven’t done much the last 3 days. Little bits of working online. Lots of working on the property.
Just found out today that our last big wind storm knocked down the big tree right next to the spring that’s next to the Rock shelf that I’ve spent so much time at over the last year.
Wind took it right down, and as it came down, it took two or three more trees down with it.
Totally changes how everything looks down there. Opens it that’s pretty significantly–at least the feel of the place.
Had a dream the other night that hit me really really hard. Was about my college girlfriend. I almost reached out to her to apologize for some things that happened so many years ago.
I’m sure it was good that we were never together long-term. She deserved more than what I could give her at the time. I was impatient, and though I never criticized her, she could tell just in my tone of voice and/or my body language that I was irritated/impatient with her.
She was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my entire life, no hyperbole, just, plain, truth. I could only hope to have been able to have been good for her. She was, and I’m sure still is, just a pure soul.
I will always love her deeply, to my very bones.
And it just tears me up to think of the pain that I caused her with my silent impatience. I know she still loved me, despite that. And we did still talk about being together forever, despite my struggles, before I cut it off for good.
Part of me is glad that we did. Part of me is soul-deep lonely.
And since the path of my life never came across a companion to actually be with, I still, on infrequent but periodic occasions, look back at what might have been.
I actually haven’t had a girlfriend since my college girlfriend.
It’s been almost 20 years–20 years this fall.
I’m lonely. 🥺
In other news, I have the sense that I’m close to turning back to god. I can’t ever stay away for a long time. I want to be angry. I don’t want to have to accept the path I’m on, but it’s not in my nature to stay angry for long. My heart eventually melts, and I return to what I believe most deeply down.
I wonder sometimes if it would be easier not to believe.
Seems almost like a luxury to be able to just not believe.
But I don’t think I’m capable of that. I can’t explain away what I’ve experienced and actually convince myself.
Life would be so much easier had I never had those experiences.
I don’t want to be lonely anymore.
😞
Finally put the fires out. Time for bed.
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful to be able to be making a difference here on Haven Hill. It’s a real, tangible, visible, impactful difference right now, mostly for Jim.
- I’m grateful to have such a flexible life right now. I mention that regularly, but it really is a great privilege.
- I’m grateful that it’s not been crazy cold nor unseasonably hot.
- I’m grateful for tools that make work more efficient.
- I’m grateful for internet connections anywhere I am.
Success:
- I think I caught myself with my language maybe once or twice? (And also failed a bazillion times).
Improvement:
- Fell off a cliff and bought a bunch of comfort food… And ate it all before bed. 😶
😅
Love and hugs and… ice cream. 🙃
I’m getting to bed far too late these days.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 