Big fat happy birthday to my high school girlfriend. 🙃
Woke up late this morning. Haven’t been getting rest that feels like rest.
There were lots of sirens through the night, and then lots of garbage truck noise, but I don’t really think that made much of a difference?
Ended up spending the whole day hanging out with Cory today, which was nice. Miss hanging out with him.
He was doing some roof work on his mom’s house, and I’m not really useful because of my spine issues, but I sat on the roof with him and talked while he worked.
Halfway through the job, he bought lunch for his mom and for me at a local Chinese place, and we brought the food back to his mom whom he’s taking care of.
After lunch, we headed back up onto the roof to finish the roofing job, me sitting on the roof once again while he worked. 😅
The patch job looked fantastic, despite the fact that the shingles that were on the roof were 20 years old, and they had to stop making the same color shingles. He found a color that was so close to the original that you wouldn’t know that they were a different color shingle. Looking at it, sure, you can see there’s a little bit of a difference, but a random passerby probably would never notice.
Pretty cool.
Cory and I mostly just hung out in the backyard sitting on the grass and talking for most of the rest of the day. Talking about life. Talking about technology in the future, talking about gospel stuff, talking about our individual lives and what’s been going on.
Cory is one of the few people who knows details about that particular situation in my life that is so hard. It’s nice to talk to him about those things.
It’s also nice to talk to him about the gospel stuff because there’s zero pressure of any kind from him. My heart is still in gospel things.
I think the deepest parts of my heart always will be.
And I can tell that I’m gathering strength to give it a go again at some point in the near future. There’s just so much pain. So much fear.
I simultaneously miss God dearly while at the same time distrust and feel betrayed by him.
Deep down, I believe the fault lies within my own heart. Deep down, when I’m completely honest, it seems pretty clear that much of what is going on could very easily be considered an answer to my own prayers, giving me the challenges that I asked for.
I don’t think I ever could have fathomed how difficult those challenges could be for me.
Anyway, it was nice talking to Cory today.
Cory made dinner for all of us, and we kept talking after dinner as well. His mom had an issue with her foot that was causing her fairly significant pain that started a few days ago, so I tried to see if I could figure out what it was, and then I called my mom after I wasn’t able to figure it out, but my mom wasn’t able to figure it out either over the phone, at least.
I did Cory farewell and actually headed over to his house, he offering to let me take the catalytic converter off his broken down then because it’s the same setup as my van. Very grateful to him for that generosity. Unfortunately, it was about 10:00 or so when I got there, and his catalytic converter was rusted on like mine was, so he was going to need to be cut off and then drilled out, so that was definitely not a 10:00 at night job to be done in a neighborhood. 😅
From there, I headed over to house in Herriman, it dawning on me as I was on my way that I probably could have spent more time with my sisters who were in town. 😬
Definitely poor brain work on my end. Missed a great opportunity, as I don’t get to see them very often. 😕
Totally wiped out. Don’t know why I’ve been so exhausted lately
Gratitude:
- Grateful to be able to spend time with Cory
- Grateful to be doing better than I was doing the last couple of days. I can feel the heaviness coming in again tonight, but at least I was able to be in a relatively decent place for the wedding yesterday and hanging out with Cory today.
- I’m grateful for the massive brimmed hat that I bought recently off of amazon. My other son hats just didn’t have a big enough brim to really keep the Sun out all the time, but this brim is absolutely massive 🙃
- I’m grateful that I had the willingness today to change out of my shorts and t-shirt into a long sleeve t-shirt and pants to go with my super wide brimmed hat to protect myself from the Sun.
- I’m grateful that Cory’s mom enjoyed the flowers that I brought for her last night.
Success:
- I put on long sleeves, long pants, and the big hat to protect myself from the Sun, despite the fact that I hate getting hot and get hot easily.
Improvement:
- Want to find a way to break out of the negative slides. I think I have a neural pathway built in my brain over the last several years that makes it really easy to slip into the darkness.
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 