I woke up this morning to a fair bit of snow. ❄️
I do love snow. 😊
I looked out I want to say maybe some around 7:30 in the morning and saw what I at least thought of the time was several inches of snow piled up on the top of my driver’s side mirror.
I went back to sleep, waking up I think somewhere around 10ish?
The snow was mostly all melted off, and what I thought was snow on the mirror turned out to be snow on the front windshield, so I don’t know if what I had seen earlier was the mirror or the front windshield.
Who knows.
I got a reply from the head of the school that I used to teach at, giving me permission to come see my niece perform in her play.
I have a few nerves thinking about going back to that school. I left part of my heart in that school. I gave my whole heart and soul to the school and to my students before getting fired for breaking the employee honor code (relapsed in my porn addiction while at home preparing for a date).
So many memories. Lots of pain.
Spent a good chunk of the morning listening to my favorite sports podcasts. I listen to Locked on Big 12 regularly, probably my favorite of all the sports podcasts or shows of any kind anywhere because I really enjoy his personality and way of communicating. It’s fun.
Sadly, today’s podcast was about people being unhappy with how he runs the podcast, so I sent him an encouraging comment on the video he posted.
Funnily enough, the young man is from and lives in Arkansas. 🙃
Anyway, stayed out in my van until it was pretty much time to leave to go to lunch and caught a ride with Richard.
Lunch was… hard. The first part was good, but the second part was… hard for me. The conversation turned toward things that were challenging and painful for me to participate in right now, so I ended up excusing myself and walking back to my brother’s place, getting there about 5 minutes before he did.
It was good to be able to walk and think, and I certainly need the exercise, having not really gone to the gym much at all lately while still eating myself into oblivion. 😅
That’s an exaggeration, but there’s an element of truth to it. 🙃
When Richard got back, he and I chatted for a couple of hours, or so, about the conversation at lunch and our feelings and experiences and perspectives, and then we talked a whole bunch about our perspectives of certain aspects of the gospel. That’s when my brain comes most alive, I think.
That’s when my heart sings.
I feel like I’ve lost a lot of opportunities because of my anger with God. I’ve lost a lot of opportunities to learn and grow.
There were times when knowledge from God flowed in so frequently, daily, sometimes several times a day.
I think about where I might be had I not chosen to be so angry with God at what I felt as his deceptive way of working with me.
So much pain and hurt.
And so much anger and resentment.
And so much… longing for the relationship and light I once had and have lost.
I still don’t know exactly what I believe or where things will go for me. I’m quick to doubt and quick to fear and am rarely certain about anything, even with a preponderance of evidence.
I’ve never been comfortable with the word know. Know is a superlative, an absolute.
My brain can invent ways to doubt and latch on to even the slightest fears.
Anyway, it was a wonderful conversation with my brother, and I expressed to him my hope that maybe we can have more such conversations.
Selfishly, I think it would be a huge benefit for me to process through my feelings and experiences.
I’m finally on the last step to being willing to humble myself enough to let go of my anger, take responsibility, and give God a chance again.
I’m afraid to fail again. Pornography is one of my biggest fears. I’ve never been able to beat that for good. The longest period of time that I’ve been clean since I got off my mission over 22 years ago is 19 months, I think.
And lately, I’m lucky if I string more than one day together. I had a week not too long ago, but that was… not usual for my recent history.
I just want to give up. I know those feelings have nothing to do with God and how he feels. It’s my own stuff. My own PTSD and my own pride.
Nor do I want to go back only to lose faith in my beliefs again. I’ve done that so many times over so many years now.
And I don’t want to trust God again only to be devastated because I’ve put my hope in circumstances and timings that I don’t have any control over.
Unless I do… Getting clean from porn… That’s the only piece I’m missing that I have control over that might make a difference.
(sigh)
My clock management was fairly poor, so I ended up a bit behind in meeting my brother and new sister-in-law at the school I used to teach at.
My shirt was dirty. I had hat hair.
So I grabbed my bottle of water, and while driving, I would put water in my hand and wet my hair with it until all of my hair was soaking wet.
Then I mashed it down flat to help get rid of the hat hair.
Though I’ve been in Arkansas for a long time, I still remember quite well how to fix the hat hair in a dry climate. 🙃
I didn’t park in the school parking lot right away, pulling off into the church parking lot across the street first, so I could change my clothes. I found a clean shirt, put on the pants that I wore to my brother’s wedding, and found a jacket, as it is still pretty cold from the cold front that blew in the snow.
As I drove into the school parking lot, I saw the mother of one of my former students standing on the corner of the portion of the parking lot I was about to pull into. When I was teaching at the school, she was the librarian, and her daughter was one of my Spanish students. I was really close to her and her daughter for a few months before I was fired from the school, and life shifted dramatically for me.
I was nervous to see her, having not seen or spoken with her for 15 years.
Crazy how time flies.
But I parked and started walking toward her, as she was between me and the entrance to the school where I was going to see my niece’s play.
Interestingly, when I was probably 75 ft away, her husband pulled up in his truck, and I guess she was standing on the corner waiting for him to pick her up, so she jumped in the truck, and they drove away. I waved as they drove by me, but I don’t know if they saw me. They didn’t wave back.
Part of me is sad I didn’t get to say hello. I wanted to be able to say hello and smile and express my good feelings towards her and even towards her husband.
But the opportunity drove by. 🙃
I walked inside the school, a tad disoriented at the beginning because it had been so many years since I’ve been inside. It took me a little bit to get my bearings and remember the layout of the school and where things were.
There’s a good chunk of my heart still there.
I think I already wrote that.
Memories. Lots of memories. And I was nervous, for several different reasons.
I met my oldest brother and new sister-in-law in the back by the entrance to the gym where the play was going to take place, and we headed inside after the opening prayer.
The play was entertaining. I think I’ve only ever seen the movie once? And it’s been a very long time, so I didn’t remember the story at all, just some of the songs.
At intermission, I said hello to two of the administrators who were still at the school, the head of the school and one of the vice principles.
It was good to see them. It was a rough day when I left, as they were the two who were present when I was banned from school property after being accused of something I didn’t do, but I don’t think I have any hard feelings. They are good people, and they both greeted me warmly when I reached out to them after seeing them today, for which I was grateful.
It was awkward to be there. So many memories. And a lot of pain. People who once thought well of me and who once loved and trusted me… many of them came to believe awful things about me.
Part of me feels like my time there was a waste because in the end, so many, if not all, thought ill of me. It feels like the good I tried to do was all destroyed in the end.
So much pain.
I loved them so much. They were my heart.
Sometimes I hate life. 😞
It was good to be there at the play with my brother and sister-in-law. It was good to be there to support my niece who was happily surprised by my visit. It was good to greet the old administrators, one of whom at least I once considered a friend.
It was hard to have memories flash before my eyes as I sat there in the gym, the gym I had spent time in so many years ago.
After the play was over, I said goodbye to the administrators, the only two people that I recognized who were there from 15 years ago. We went out and greeted my niece and congratulated her on her performance. She was, and not just because she’s my niece, my favorite character in the play. While overall it was a good play, I think her character came to life perhaps more than any other?
After saying goodbye to my brother and sister-in-law and niece, I walked away with a heavy heart, for several different reasons.
I drove across the street again to the church parking lot that’s next to the temple, and caught up on my journal entries–at least the most recent ones.
I sort of have the sense that it’s time to leave Utah. I don’t claim anything spiritual about that. Something generally just sort of clicks in my brain, and I’m like, okay, time to go.
I sent a message to my dad and stepmom to see if they are up for a visit. My dad is getting old, having already outlived his father and mother in age, as well as his grandparents, I think. And last time I talked to him, he wasn’t sure if he would even be around next year, so though it’s exactly the opposite direction from where I had planned to head next, I sent the message and I’m awaiting a reply.
I could end up back in Utah. I once again broke down and chose to be open to the possibility of moving back.
Then I looked again at the housing prices and just… Even in the middle of nowhere, the prices are just ridiculous. Could I find a place that I qualify for, yes, I’m sure I could. Am I willing to spend a half a million to a million dollars on a house? No, I’m not. I do fine in my van. I have no wife or children and probably never will in this life, so why spend a half a million dollars or more just for a place to sleep and be comfortable?
Not to mention the sardine can that is the Wasatch front just keeps getting more and more crowded. It’s just mind-boggling to see the sea of apartments going up–everywhere. Crowded. Ugly.
Ugh… The constant ruining of such a beautiful state. 😕
Well, I probably had better wrap it up. It’s coming up on 12:40, and I’m back at the Maverick in Pleasant Grove on State Street. Hopefully I won’t be bothered tonight, and hopefully my dad will reply soon.
Heavy heart.
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful for the love my family members have for me and I for them.
- I’m grateful that my brother invited me to the play tonight. It was good on many levels to be there.
- I’m grateful to have warm blankets on a cold night.
- I’m grateful for the conversation that I had with my brother after lunch today that was… meaningful for me.
- I’m grateful that I was able to get a little bit of exercise.
- I’m grateful that I made it through the day today without buying comfort food.
Success:
- I guess I can call that my success for today. When it might have been easy to go out and binge on junk food, especially after everything that’s happened today, I didn’t. Granted, I wasn’t really tempted to, so maybe it’s not really a success because there wasn’t any overcoming of temptation, but at least I didn’t today.
Improvement:
- I did pretty well today. I let a few negative thoughts and feelings come in, so I could do better there, but I think I did pretty well today, especially considering the events of the day.
Love to all.
💚
Lift the world.
~ stephen
Lift the World 