It was kind of nice to be at a Walmart Supercenter overnight again. I miss the days when you could camp at pretty much any Walmart anywhere in the country, go into the building at 3:00 in the morning to use the bathroom and buy food if you wanted to…
Yep. Miss those days.
🙃
Anyway, I got up, went into the Walmart to see if they had the fuse that I needed for my charge cable for my power station, but no dice.
Oh well.
I did a little bit of gospel study. I spent some time recording some of my previous spiritual experiences in my life, because I’m so quick to doubt even the existence of God. I could have a spiritual experience an hour ago and then find myself doubting it an hour later, it feels like. That might be an exaggeration, but not much of one.
I think a lot of that stems from my quickness to doubt, my fear of being wrong, and my discomfort with expressions of certainty of belief (either for or against).
If I don’t remind myself on a daily basis, possibly even many times a day, I’ll begin to fear that I’m wrong. It doesn’t seem to matter how many spiritual experiences I have, I can find some way to doubt and some way to be afraid.
Sometimes it boggles my mind, knowing the enormous number of spiritual experiences that I’ve had, ranging from the little whispers and nudges from God to the all-consuming experiences… how can I doubt?
Other times I think to myself, “Isn’t it foolish to believe?”
But as quick as I am to doubt and fear that I’m in error believing in God and/or believing in the LDS church, I can’t walk away. I don’t know that I ever could and maintain my integrity.
Sometimes I wish that I could be as certain as the people I see around me. Some are so certain that there is a God. Some aren’t. Some are certain that the LDS Church is true. Some are absolutely sure that it’s false.
I think I’m wired to doubt. I think maybe that’s just how my brain works.
Sometimes I feel badly when I think about how much I struggle to hold on to those cherished spiritual experiences. Even when they come several times a day, it’s like my brain has this ability to encase those experiences in some sort of element that is impervious to sensory perception and void of emotion. It’s almost as though they don’t exist anymore as all impact they had has somehow been rendered inert, and I’m left with this… void. I can think of an experience, and… nothing… emptiness.
But when I feel it again, it’s light and peace and love and beauty. It’s… the most amazing experience.
How can it go so dark so quickly? Why can I not hold onto it? Why do I fear so quickly? Why do I doubt so easily?
All that said, despite the doubt and fear, despite the nothingness, the emptiness, the memories void of all feeling… I can’t deny the Spirit I’ve felt and the knowledge I’ve been given.
Sometimes I wish I were capable at this point in my life of feeling certain. It would be so much easier, but that doesn’t appear to be my path. So I push forward as I am, holding onto that which I cannot deny even though I struggle to trust and hang on.
Anyway… 🙃
I headed south on I-15 towards St George stopping at a super Walmart in St George because some people had inquired about the ammunition I was selling. A couple of people mentioned that they’d be willing to drive all the way to St George from Salt Lake, so I spent about an hour in the Walmart parking lot going through the ammunition, taking pictures, counting up what I had, and looking up prices for what it would cost to buy new.
Wish I had done all that when I first got to utah, so I could have sold it all while I was there.
Now it’s an added stress because I’ve got to figure out how to sell it before I go to Canada, or I just can’t go. 😕
Oh well. I won’t let it stress me out. There’s no sense. I have what I want most in life, and everything else is just gravy.
Stopped off at the Smith’s in mesquite to buy a whole bunch of organic eggs for my dad and stepmom.
Arrived at my dad and stepmom’s place somewhere around 12:20ish, I think.
Chatted with them for a few hours or so. My dad showed me the work that he’s doing with his new business, and all the programming that goes along with it. He’s done a lot of the same stuff that I did in a particular venture of my own a handful of years ago. It’s interesting to see what he’s done in the same field that I was working in.
We also talked a whole bunch about AIs and where things are going and what’s possible today. I showed him how the Gemini AI works, and he had a great time interacting with Gemini both in english, german, and Portuguese. He was pretty surprised by how excellent the quality of speech was from the AI model.
And I agree, when I speak to Gemini in spanish, and the AI model speaks back in Spanish the accent is fantastic.
It’s really awesome for practicing a language other than your primary. You can even instruct the AI to correct you if you make mistakes in your pronunciation or word choice or grammar, etc.
Super cool.
Anyway, after however many hours of chatting, Cindy took a nap, and my dad went to the grocery store, and I went out to my van to try to answer some questions online.
Very slow day, though. Only one question popped up that I was comfortable answering. 😅
One question a day certainly isn’t going to pay the bills. 😅
Oh well. I’m not going to worry about it. It’ll be what it will be, and I’ll do whatever I’ll do, and it’s all going to be just fine, so.. there’s not really anything to worry about.
Since it was super slow, I ended up spending maybe 30 minutes just chatting with Gemini in Spanish. It was nice to get some practice in. I don’t use Spanish very often, so it feels so clunky when I speak, hard to have the words coming to mind, though that’s the same in English these days. 😅
Cindy made dinner, and I ate with them while we watched a rerun of I dream of Genie.
We chatted a good bet after dinner, and then I bid them good night, and I’ve been in the van for probably the last three and a half hours or so just watching stuff on YouTube that’s hopefully mostly more constructive and beneficial than the usual. 🙃
And of course, I’ve written another journal entry today.
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful to have finally taken pictures and mostly completed the sales list of ammunition that I have.
- I’m grateful to be able to be here to see my dad and stepmom. Time goes by so quickly, and being the youngest, my parents certainly are not spring chickens anymore.
- I’m grateful that Rover got me here without any issues.
- I’m grateful for the Internet and the amazing things that can be learned.
- I’m grateful for the people who have done the hard work of developing artificial intelligence. It has been exceedingly beneficial for me as I have utilized it more and more.
Success:
- I see myself letting go of stress and concern more and more 🎉
Improvement:
- Was definitely more of a struggle today to stay focused on love. It was definitely easy to slip back into those things that don’t fill me up spiritually but are enticing in their own way, while distancing me from what I really want.
I love you.
Lift the world.
Bring it on… 😅
~ stephen
Lift the World 