(written the morning of the 12th)
What a glorious day. 🥰
I feel so full of light and love. It’s just… aaaah. 🥰
Bring it on, right?
Once again I find myself grateful to have been undisturbed through the night. 🥳 Additionally, though only a small gravel pull out along the side of the road, I woke up in the morning to a beautiful spot in the hills, lush green forest all around, and a beautiful little river not far below the road.
I don’t remember what all I spent doing after waking up. Maybe I was working on my journaling…?
Whatever I was doing, I ended up realizing that I had been doing it for so long that I was likely going to be late to church.
So I plopped down into the driver’s seat and rolled Rover down the hills toward the little town of Brookings. Gratefully, the church wasn’t all that far away, and gratefully, though I hadn’t checked to see what time Church started, in smaller towns, I think there’s pretty much always going to be at 10:00 starting Church, and gratefully, I was right.
Only one congregation met in that rather large building, but they met at 10:00. 🥳
I arrived about 10:05, and spent a few minutes scrambling around Rover trying to find my Sunday shoes. I’ve let Rover fall into a bit of disarray over the last couple of weeks, or so, which has made it harder to find things when I want them.
But I threw on my dress pants and dress shirt and tie, grateful for the hangers that I’ve had that my mom gave me and for the little hooks on the side of my van that allow me to hang up my dress clothes, so they don’t wrinkle. 🥳
I headed into church and realized that I had just enough time to use the bathroom before the ordinance of the sacrament. 🎉
Not the greatest to be in a rush right before the sacrament, but I was grateful to make it and to have that opportunity to participate in that special ordinance in remembrance the incredible love and sacrifice of the Savior.
Admittedly, it’s a sacrifice that I don’t truly understand. I wish I did. And one day I will.
As I was sitting on the couch in the foyer, I realized I had a really big tear in the seam of my dress pants.
😅
So today was the last gasp of those pants. They’re missing the main clasp button on the front, so I’ve held them together in the front with the inner button and my belt. 🙃
They’re also splitting at the crotch, and have at least one or two small holes starting to fray.
Yep, time for some new pants. 🙃
So I added buying new dress pants to my to-do list.
I found a new audio app that’s more effective than the audio app I downloaded the other day. That one was great in some ways, but not so great in others. Specifically, with that one, it ignored audio files shorter than 30 seconds, presumably to sift out ringtone files and such, but my scripture memorization audio files are nearly all fewer than 30 seconds, so it wasn’t picking up any of those files.
So I downloaded all of my scripture memorizing files from my Google Drive to my phone’s flash drive, and downloaded my new audio app to organize them with, gratefully finding that it recognized the smaller files. Yes, it meant that I had a few ringtone files in the mix, but I’d rather have a handful of ringtone files mixed in with all the other files that I want than to not have the files that I want.
Hoping to find an outdoor outlet to charge my power station, I gave a walk around the church and gratefully found a power outlet on the end of the building by the road. 🎉
I spent a while in Rover, or leaning against Rover, adding files, one by one, to my scripture memorization playlist on the new app.
I also filled up my water bottle in the church grateful for the opportunity.
I listened to my scripture memorization recordings for a little bit in the background while I began looking for a way to filter my Google Chrome app to aid in my efforts to stop wasting time online with things that take me away from what I want most.
It was the summer of 2009, nearly 16 years ago now 🤯, when I first received that life-changing message about media from the Spirit. And here I am 16 years later still striving to hold to the principles that were branded on my heart and soul that day.
Those of you who have known me for years, read my blog, have watched me try again and again and again to remove movies and TV and sports and all of that for my life.
The very best times of my life, my golden years spiritually, have been when I let those things blow away on the wind, and I focused all of my attention and energy toward my relationship with God and love and gospel things.
Well, here I go again. 🙃
I long to return to those golden years, and despite my struggles to live up to the principles that I hold dear and have proven to myself in the crucible of my life, I know that if I really want to become like my Savior and like my great God, and if I want it as quickly as it is possible for me to receive it, then I must remove from my life everything that in any way reduces my ability to feel the fullness of the Spirit of God.
I know that principle perhaps as well as I know any gospel principle. I have tested it, and I have tasted the fruits of living according to that principle, and never have I had a closer relationship with my Father in heaven, never have I had that two-way communication more consistently and profoundly in my life, then when I walked away from that which was less than what my heart longs for.
I do not mention that as a judgment upon anyone else or upon the things that I walked away from. Yes, there were things that I walked away from that were destructive to my soul, but there were also things that I walked away from that weren’t inherently bad at all: they just weren’t what I wanted most–they current helping me become what I wanted to become most.
And despite not being inherently wrong in and of themselves, they were stumbling blocks to my growth toward who I personally wanted to be.
And here I am again, 16 years later, fighting the same fight, seeking to return to those golden years, and this time to increase the gloriousness.
That’s an awkward word. 🙃
To increase the light… to increase the love… to increase the joy.
I’m so excited!!!
It’s so good to be back!
I remember my college girlfriend, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life, after I was returning from a period of darkness, tell me exactly that: You’re back.
Well, folks, I’m back. 🥳
And it feels so good. There’s a reverse in The book of Mormon that has come to my mind as I thought back about my experiences. Maybe I mentioned it in my post for yesterday, so forgive the repeat if I did.
30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.
I’ve lived this in my own life. I told the Lord I had enough. I wanted it on my own terms. I walked away, and I lost what I had. I lost the truth. I lost the light.
And now it’s returning.
And my gratitude and excitement fill me to bursting, and I sink to my knees in humility and reverence of my great God–not because I’m so far below him, but because I am so profoundly grateful for and kneel in awe of who he is and how perfectly he loves and how instantly he welcomes you back when you turn and want to go home.
🥰
Words can’t express adequately, or at least I don’t have the vocabulary sufficient in the moment, to describe the depth of feeling.
I’m all teary and just… happy. 🥰
Oh, how I’ve missed this! Oh how I’ve missed falling to my knees, filled with joy and a sense of profound gratitude!
🐿️
🙃
At some point in time, I moved my van over to the parking spot closest to the outlet, grabbed the extension cord that I had purchased from Walmart last night, and happily found my power station charging up once connected. 🥳
I chatted with my sister Heather for a good little while, as I tidied up my van a little bit, and as I spent a good long time looking for my toilet paper. 🙃
By that point, the church was closed and locked, at least I assume so because everyone was gone, and I had Little John ready for use, but without toilet paper… 😅
Lovely little conversation with my sister. Tickled me to hear that she had spent some time on her drive home from work on Friday practicing her Hungarian with the Gemini AI. 🥰
Did I mention that I found an app to filter my Google Chrome app? I found this fantastic little app called ScreenZen that helps you maintain your focus and goals with your phone usage.
You can block websites and apps, or limit yourself to a certain amount of time on them, or give yourself temporary pauses before accessing them to see if you actually really want to access them.
It’s such a wonderful app! I’m sure it’s gathering all sorts of personal, private information, as it requires quite a number of permissions to be able to perform the functions that it can perform, but I really don’t care.
So I’ve got my news and sports sites, as well as general adult content blocked, and if I attempt to look at them, I get a little message that lets me know they are blocked and asked me if accessing the given site or app is what I really want most.
(thanks to Cory for the suggestion for that custom message. I previously had a different one that was good, but not quite that good)
And for youtube, because I use it for useful things in addition to wasting time, I don’t want to block it completely, so I have it set to give me a 10-second timer, along with that message, before the app will open, giving me time to rethink my actions if I’m about to waste time on things that take me away from what I want most to simply give me what I want now.
Finished chatting with my sister and found my toilet paper, carefully tucked inside one of my spare tires to save space. 🙃
Made the terrible decision to do some stretching in the hopes of relieving some spine discomfort–terrible because the stretches that used to help now massively exacerbate symptoms.
I’ve been paying for those stretches and a PT exercise since. 😣
Not fun.
Had a wonderful little mother’s Day conversation with my wonderful mother. One of the things that I am most grateful for with my mom, despite past irritation with the very same quality in her, is her unrelenting gratitude.
I hope one day to receive all things with thankfulness. She is my best living example of that sublime attribute of gratitude (that I am aware of, anyway).
Thank you, mama. 🥰
We had a great little life conversation and gospel conversation. I’m so grateful to be able to have those conversations again and to really dive in and soak it all up and contribute.
Had an amazing conversation with my friend Cory. He’s one of a small handful of people in my life who really understand why I want what I want and do what I do and what it takes to get there.
I had the beautifully moving experience of being able to rejoice together in the Spirit and what we’re learning and how we’re growing as God gives us, bit by bit, what we most long for.
Oh, how I have missed this!!! 🥰
I’m grateful to finally be back in the light that I enjoyed for so many years before I walked away from it, feeling hurt, betrayed, angry…
And has anything really changed in my circumstances? No. All those things that came to pass that led me to the point where I chose to walk away are all still there.
But I’ve let go, and I will let God.
And I will give thanks and all things, come what may. And I will give my heart to God, “nothing expected other than the privilege.”
My heart is happy. 😊
I’m grateful for the Light. 🙏
I’m humbled by the level of peace and light and joy that has been God’s gift to me today. 😊
And the profound love that just… consumes me. 🥰
Had a great conversation with my brother Richard. It’s been wonderful to be able to talk to him about my journey back to the light. It’s been wonderful to be able to contribute meaningfully to spiritual conversations and efforts that we’re both making.
What a wonderful time.
I had thought my honeymoon period was over… I had two weeks of relative honeymoon, with light coming back and the spiritual experiences coming more and more frequently before I started to slip again, slide, and eventually crash.
I had fully expected to fight for every inch, a battle with myself, and I guess I am fighting, but I’m just… basking in this glorious light. I feel like I’m right back on the honeymoon.
And I’m happy. 🥰
In other news, I forgot to mention that as the sun was going down that first night at the beach, I think it was Thursday night?
I felt something crawling up my leg while I was lying down on my bed looking at my phone. At first, I thought maybe was just a fly or something brushing up against the hairs on my leg, but relatively quickly I was able to discern something actually crawling.
And what did I find when I leaned over to inspect my leg?
A tick.
😶
A big male American dog tick.
😶
The male of that particular species is actually quite beautiful, in my opinion, such artistry of color and design on its outer shell.
But a tick?!?!
How? Where?!?!
I had been walking on the beach and inside Rover all day. Where on Earth would I have picked up a tick?
The only thing that I can think of is that it’s been with me for a little while? It’s not reasonable to think that it could have survived in sand, is it?
Being a male, they don’t feed all that often or even that much, so maybe it got tired of wandering around my van and finally decided to look for a mate or a quick meal on me?
I did move a wadded up sweatshirt / jacket that I have had wadded up next to my bed for a good while. Maybe it’s been stuck inside, not knowing how to get out?
Whatever the cause, it was definitely a surprise, and though I don’t like killing things, it will not reproduce. 😅
I also noticed, as it’s been raining for much of the day today, that all the efforts that I put into ceiling the front section of my van did not stop the leak. 😶
So I have absolutely no idea where the leak is coming from. 🤷
Oh, and you know how I felt like JustAnswer’s pay scale is completely arbitrary?
I decided for kicks, since it was late Sunday evening, to check to see what my payout level was going to be, and shockingly, despite having not really worked almost at all during the evaluation period in question, guess who was bumped up a pay level?
😆
My metrics are lower in multiple, if not in all, of my evaluation categories. They’re lower than my previous demotions. And I didn’t earn a single boost this last week. That’s the first time I haven’t earned a boost that I can recall and I don’t even know how long.
And yet, they bumped me up to the highest payout level. 🙃
I’d say that I give up, but I’m pretty terrible at giving up 😆, so I guess we’ll just see what happens. I don’t really care much anymore. I think my time working online for JA is coming to an end in the near future anyway.
Anyway, I didn’t see any signs in the church parking lot saying that I couldn’t stay overnight there, and I noticed there was another person who seemed to be staying the night in the parking lot, so I figured I might as well give it a go. 🙃
Got myself almost fully caught up on my journal posts before crashing sometime between 1:00 and 2:00 a.m. 🥳
Gratitude:
- I am profoundly grateful for my great God and His perfect, boundless, unquenchable love that brings him to be ever watchful. It reminds me of this portion of a BYU Speech I love from Elder Holland:
“Perhaps the most encouraging and compassionate parable in all of Holy Writ is the story of the prodigal son. I close with Mary Lyman Henrie’s poetic expression of it entitled “To Any Who Have Watched for a Son’s Returning.”
He watched his son gather all the goods
that were his lot,
anxious to be gone from tending flocks,
the dullness of the fields.
He stood by the olive tree gate long
after the caravan disappeared
where the road climbs the hills
on the far side of the valley,
into infinity.
Through changing seasons he spent the light
in a great chair, facing the far country,
and that speck of road on the horizon.
Mocking friends: “He will not come.”
Whispering servants: “The old man
has lost his senses.”
A chiding son: “You should not have let him go.”
A grieving wife: “You need rest and sleep.”
She covered his drooping shoulders,
his callused knees, when east winds blew chill, until that day . . .
A form familiar, even at infinity,
in shreds, alone, stumbling over pebbles.
[And] “When he was a great way off,
His father saw him,
and had compassion, and ran,
and fell on his neck, and kissed him.” (Luke 15:20)
God bless us to help each other come back home, where we will, in the presence of our Father, find waiting a robe, a ring, and a fatted calf…”
- I’m grateful for the opportunity that I have to rejoice in the things that I love most with my dearest friends and with members of my family. 🥰
- I’m grateful to feel such profound love in my heart. There is nothing that I want more than to have my heart filled with that boundless, perfect love of God, and to be able to share that love and light and joy with everyone.
- I’m grateful that hearts can be changed.
- I’m grateful for the gift of remembering. For that tugging, that pull back to my dear Father the I felt, that longing, the reminder, even in the midst of my pain, of the relationship that I once had but had walked away from.
- I’m grateful to have been bumped up a payout level. 😆
Success:
- Though I think it’s as much or more a gift from God as it is a success on my part, I’m grateful for the perspective that I have now, that I hope I can maintain, of my focus on loving and letting the rest of my selfish manifestations, however they come out (be it in porn, the most personally self-destructive manifestation, or in some other way), be swallowed up by that love and that journey toward greater love. Eventually, love will conquer all of it.
Improvement:
- I’m so used to multitasking that I found myself using my phone to try and accomplish other spiritual activities, such as finding apps to improve my study and focus. 🙃 The irony. 😆
I love you. 🥰
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 