(written on the 12th)
Tough day today. Just… overwhelmed. 😕
Started off fine, except I’m just not getting enough sleep. Don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just the sun coming up so early?
I think I’m generally getting to bed somewhere around midnight or after, and then I’m waking up at 6:30ish every day.
Combine that with being a generally light sleeper who wakes up a gazillion times during the night, and it’s not a great recipe for getting rest–nor good mental health. 😅
Woke up at the rest area, used the facilities, and then headed east. Texted my mom a bit to let her know about my temple experience, as I knew she’d be happy to hear that. Chatted with Cory a bit, and was generally in a really good place.
Stopped off for a little soak in my little Cascade Falls cool tub area.
It’s nice to be able to get rid of pretty much all my spine pain and discomfort because of the equalization of pressures all around my body that take away the force of gravity that presses my body together and squishes the broken bits into the nerves.
There was another lady there with her two dogs, for whom I retrieved their tennis ball a couple of times as the dogs didn’t want to jump over the falls to get the ball that she tossed in a little Pond area below, so I threw it back up the falls, only to have it come right back down one of the falls because the dog didn’t get it in time.
Enjoyed my time there, as always.
And no bare butts today. 🙃
I was in a great place, actually, at that point.
I think, overall, the stresses of trying to make a difference here with everything so foreign to me and so much to figure out and feeling like there are no regular options is weighing pretty heavily on me. Everything everywhere has some significant hurdle in order to make even some progress.
Certainly makes living in my van so much more appealing. 😅
Certainly, I would rather be in a house, but I’m not a fan of complicated, stressful things.
Anyway, so that’s a pretty heavy cloud looming over everything all the time, and then today was just one of those days where it just seemed like every little thing that I tried to do went sideways.
If I needed something or was looking for something, it was gone, nowhere to be found (e.g. my tape measure and a brand new set of marshmallow headphones that I wanted to give Hans).
My Bluetti power station not charging like it should because the slot for the cable is so loose, that the cable doesn’t stay in the slot. Just putting on the brakes, or jostling the van about over bumpy terrain is enough for the cable to just slide out, so after a long work day, expecting my power station to have been completely charged up by the sun, it had ended up being depleted all day because I was using it for internet and wasn’t getting any of the charge for my solar panels.
You think that a $500 piece of equipment would come properly built, but nowadays, it just seems like nobody has pride in what they build. Just make a quick buck, make disposable junk that you have to buy again and again and again…
Honestly, I can’t remember what all happened that was frustrating at this point. It just seemed like every time I tried to do something, it went sideways.
And there were pretty much zero questions to answer online, after not really getting any on Monday or Tuesday either. Monday it was just pretty much dead, like today, and Tuesday, I was traveling all day, and since I don’t work and drive at the same time anymore, I didn’t get anything done work wise yesterday.
But I had my phone on and running all day today, and I think I got maybe one or two questions the whole day (before getting a couple of more late at night).
Don’t really understand, but it is what it is.
Anyway, I spent pretty much the entire day on the backhoe, excavating, trying to get down to the level the ground is going to be.
I actually ended up going down further than I should have in some places. Hopefully, that won’t cause any problems. 😅
Pretty stressed out and… heavy. It almost feels like an artificial heavy, like a dark cloud, almost tangible, hanging over me.
Worked hard to stay positive, but I failed pretty good. 😕
Chatted with the exteriors guy from WeatherTite. Dug and dug and moved lots of dirt around. Nowhere to put it really, so it’s just piles of dirt in the way again. 😕
Tried to get the four-wheeler started, so I could do some of the household chores for hans, dragging the horse area to break up all the horse poop… And I tried and tried, but I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t start. I found out later that I guess there’s some kind of a switch that isn’t normal that had been turned off.
Oh well.
That’s just kind of how the day went. Lots of trying to do good and being thwarted in seemingly every effort.
Chatted with my sister Heather on the phone about how stuff, and she also tried to help lift me up a bit.
Hans made dinner, for which I was grateful, and we chatted for a bit about the house before he went to bed, and I headed out to my van.
Rain started shortly after heading outside, so Hans is right back up and out of bed to turn the bins of straw over, so they wouldn’t get wet.
Chatted with my sister a bit more, and she was able to help get me out of the heaviness, at least for a while (she helped me do a little bit of Power station research before I noticed that the Amazon deal for the upgraded Bluetti was really good for another 22 minutes, so I finally decided to go ahead and buy the upgraded Bluetti. Hopefully it’s better than this version that I’ve been fighting with. I thought about switching brands, but the other brands don’t have the options that I want, so I’m going to give Bluetti one more chance.
For nearly $1,000, I’m really hoping they’ve done better with this product. 🤞
Wrote my journal post for yesterday, and I called it a day.
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful for Cascade Falls
- I’m grateful I was able to make some progress for my sister and brother-in-law here on the property.
- I’m grateful for Hans for making dinner.
Success:
- Uh… I tried to do good things all day, and I tried to dig myself out of the heaviness.
Improvement:
- I put my hopes in outcomes instead of an effort, so when things went sideways, and my outcomes went to pot, I let it bring me down. Can’t place hope in outcomes. Got to focus on effort and intentions, and let the rest take care of itself.
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 