I’m going to try to motor through this, in the hopes of getting to bed a bit earlier. It’s almost 9:40, and I should have been in bed 40 minutes ago, but if I can get to bed before 10, at least I’m still making progress each day, even if I haven’t quite reached the goal yet.
Here’s hoping.
It’s been a rough day for me today.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Short night’s sleep. The van was really hot after baking in the Sun all day, some around 100°, and there’s nowhere to park in the shade because there aren’t any trees, so Rover just… cooks.
Fortunately, it cools off pretty significantly at night, but when I’m trying to go to bed early there’s just not enough time for it to cooled off. I’m trying to get to bed before the sky is even dark.
Anyway, so I cooked and cooked, and I left the doors open to try and get some kind of a breeze. I kept avoiding plugging my fan in. Don’t ask me why. I could have resolved the whole issue had I just plug the fan in right when I started trying to go to bed instead of getting mosquito bites from leaving the doors open and tossing and not falling asleep because of the heat and because the doors were open and for the concern of bugs.
Really… Why did I go through all that just to avoid having to plug in the fan for the night?
Not very sensible.
Anyway, so I didn’t get a great night’s sleep, which led to my sleeping in longer than I want to be, which led to me feeling rushed trying to get morning stuff done, and… Then I was super distracted by anything and everything, so my conversation with Heavenly Father was just crappy, so I tried again and again…
Then I didn’t get my gospel study going like I wanted to because I was already feeling pressed for time because it was already late, and the van is already heating up from The morning Sun.
And then I decided that it would be great to take offense to something and letting my pride boil over, and I ended up spiraling so badly that I got violently angry and just punched my steering wheel airbag like six or seven times I think.
😞
It’s really rough when I see myself react that way, in general, but today it was even worse, for multiple reasons.
It’s hard because I had hoped that I was beyond that. Clearly a foolish hope. It was hard because someone else ended up in my crosshairs, which… is really really rare. The overwhelming majority of the time that I get angry it’s at a circumstance or situation that doesn’t have anybody else connected to it at all, so nobody, generally, has to see or deal with the violent anger.
I guess I’ve carved some pretty powerful neural pathways this last handful of years. 😞
My mind is just sort of in shock that I went where I did, and then so quickly. 😞
Fortunately, because of the strength of another person, my meltdown was both overcome and forgiven.
I’m grateful for that.
It’s harder to get over it myself, though. I’ve made these great changes in my life, and I’ve had so much peace and joy and excitement and… Just knew insights and perspectives that have been wonderful, and then I go and do what I did today, and I feel like I lose credibility. I want so badly for people to be able to look at me and see a light in me and see peace and joy and… that shining light… from my perspective the light and countenance of christ.
But I feel like because of my own flaws, my stupid pride, that the things that have made such a difference for me won’t be taken seriously because… well, I’m still reacting this way sometimes.
I want to be a good example, so that people might be interested in what has made such a huge difference for me in my life, because I want to share it, because it’s so beautiful and means so much to me.
And I feel like I’m doing damage to what I see as beautiful truth by messing up so badly.
A weak messenger to carry the banner I want so badly to carry. 😞
I guess I exemplify the verse in the Doctrine & Covenants:
“That the fulness of my gospel might be proclaimed by the weak and the simple…”
I’m probably not as down as I’m making it sound. It was a tough day in many respects, but it’s also a big blessing. It’s been… humbling.
Everyday is a good day: It’s just good in different ways. Today I was granted the uncomfortable blessing of seeing my weakness, and even more uncomfortable blessing of having my weakness cause pain for another.
I had just recently had the wonderful experience of being able to see where I lack and have that be exciting because of what that means is possible for future growth and change and progress and development.
And now here I am just hammered to the ground, seemingly with only a particle of that perspective left.
Gratefully, while I was ferrying gravel back and forth from the gravel pile to the septic tank leach line channels, my friend Cory challenged me to find gratitude in the circumstances, and so I worked to find a few things to be grateful for from the day’s painful events.
Thank you, Cory. 🙏
We got the second trench mostly done today, as far as septic stuff is concerned. I started widening the third trench to make the Litchfield be big enough for a four bedroom house, even though theirs is a three bedroom. Nice to have it be a little oversized in case they decide to add a bedroom or when they have visitors, or whatever.
I had cut that trench a little too skinny anyway, so it needed some adjustment anyway, and I wanted them to be able to have their oversized septic. Better overbuilt than underbuilt.
At least, that’s my thinking.
Spend a good long time, most of the day, working on the septic stuff.
After I finished doing a little bit more on it, Hans and I went to Cascade Falls to do a little swimming in snorkeling. There were so many people upstream swimming and stirring things up that the downstream area where we normally snorkel was super duper full of stuff, making it hard to see. Still, it’s fun to be able to swim around with the snorkel. I actually really like swimming with a snorkel. I don’t like the front crawl, unless I’m just underneath the water going as quickly as I can. Then it’s great because it’s super fast. But generally I do some kind of weird backwards swimming things so that my face is always out of the water.
Anyway, this is taking a lot longer than I expected because I guess I’m writing a lot more than I expected. 🙃
After getting home, I made myself a bowl of chili and melted cheese while Hans headed out to fill up the diesel fuel tank, and Heather was out grocery shopping. She got back while I was finishing up preparing my dinner, and I bid her good night and headed out to Rover for the night.
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful to have come out the other side of the painful experience today I think better for it.
- I’m grateful to have been able to make some decent progress on the septic stuff.
- I’m grateful to Cory for being such a tremendous friend. I’m grateful to be able to talk about pretty much anything with him and to have it be an uplifting conversation.
- I’m grateful to see where I lack, even though today it’s really hard. I want to be a better example of what means so much to me.
- I’m grateful that I’m going to get to bed by at least 10:30. 😅
Success:
- Got over my germaphobe nest and let a young man at the Cascade Falls use my snorkel mask and snorkel because he wanted to give it a try. Hans ended up giving him his small set of flippers because they weren’t working so well for him, and I gave him a mask that I had found on the bottom of the river today. It didn’t have a snorkel, so I let him use my stuff to practice, but I gave him the mask as we were leaving, so he ended up with flippers and a mask. So all he needs now is a snorkel. 😊
- I did the hard work of taking Cory’s challenge and finding things to be grateful for in my prideful crash today.
- When I was distracted praying this morning, and I was wanting to get out and get a move on the day because I was feeling behind, I forced myself to stay to try and be still and have a real conversation with Heavenly Father and not a distractofest. I didn’t do very well even that last time, but I at least tried. Couldn’t get the brain to just… be still.
Improvement:
- Oh boy… About a mountain of stuff that. Let’s see… don’t take offense.
- Don’t get mad because something doesn’t go how you expect/want it to go.
- Have patience and compassion instead of offense and whatnot.
Thought of the Day:
When asked in conversation, “Why are men left alone and often sad? Why is not God always at man’s side promoting universal happiness at least for His Saints? Why does not God do everything for man?” President Young responded concerning how man’s divine destiny requires individual experience and practice in learning “to act as an independent being”—to see what we will do, whether we will be “for God or not”—and in developing our own resources. Such experiences will teach us to be “righteous in the dark—to be a friend of God” (Brigham Young Office Journal, 28 January 1857).
~ Neal A. Maxwell
We’ve got this. 🤍
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 