It’s definitely been a harder day today.
In addition to my sorrow for the ways in which I’ve neglected my body, for a fair chunk of the morning I was fighting feelings of feeling unattractive, unwanted, undesirable (physically).
Pretty rough. Poignant.
It’s a good opportunity for me to feel what many others feel every day and what I know at least one person has felt because of something that I’ve said.
😞
I’m grateful for the opportunity to feel this. It’s not the first time, but it’s pretty poignant today, and it… feels like it has a bit of an air of finality to it.
Youth is gradually overcome by aging, and I feel like I’ve hit that point…
And beauty… in the eyes of our American society and culture, fades, and it’s eventually swallowed up by wrinkles and spots and sagging skin and whatnot, and I guess I’m grappling with the reality that, even if it’s an overreaction now, it won’t be long before, I just… don’t fit any attraction standard.
It’s good for me, even if perhaps overly dramatic right now, to face these feelings. I want to overcome the superficial parts of myself, and this might well be a gift to help me overcome as I learn to look at others the way God sees them and not the way our superficial society, of which culture I am an unfortunately indoctrinated child, looks at each other.
Anyway, so that was rough, mostly this morning, but it’s still there underneath everything, and I would guess it’s not going away anytime soon, maybe not going away until I’ve let go of the desire and concern of being attractive to others, which has been a deeply ingrained desire of mine for quite possibly my entire life–at least from the beginning of when I first remember noticing and liking girls (shout to Alana Burns, my fellow 2nd grader, and my very first crush, I think. 😆)
So it was just kind of a… darker day, for whatever reason. I kind of woke up that way a bit, I think?
Couldn’t really get myself to work much today, even though it was the perfect day to (high 90s, not much fun being outside).
Struggled to pray and study today. About the best I could do was listen to uplifting YouTube videos all day, try to answer a couple of questions online, and sort some personal papers into categories for later filing and whatnot.
Headed out shortly after Hans got home for the day, spent some time at the Cascade Falls parking lot chatting with my brother Richard about what’s been going on for him lately.
I actually gave up going to Cascade Falls while talking to him and ended up driving back to JH Keith park, which I had passed previously because they were already a couple of cars there, and I was wanting to have some solitude.
After I finish chatting with Richard, I listened to a recording of myself reading things that I felt like heavenly father told me back in 2016, and I also listened to myself reading through my patriarchal blessing.
Thoughts…
From there, I headed down the road and on toward Casper, as tomorrow is temple Tuesday.
Right now, I’m parked at the last parking area before casper. I think the town is about a 20-minute drive from where I am, so, if I can get myself to follow my schedule for once, I’ll get get up early and have a good morning routine and study time, and then I’ll go to the gym and have a super workout like last week, and then I’ll shower and go to the temple.
That would be a really compact and productive morning.
Think I can manage it? 🙃
I guess we’ll see…
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful for the heavier, darker days, that give such beautiful contrast to the light.
- I’m grateful for the opportunity to truly empathize with more feelings and experiences shared by so many.
- I’m grateful that the clouds rolled in and a little bit of rain came down on a day that had gotten up to I think 98° prior to the clouds rolling in.
- I’m grateful to have made it to where I am safely tonight, and without having the sun in my eyes like I usually do driving West at night.
- I’m grateful to have a little bit of food with me. I didn’t eat before I left, so I’m a bit hungry. Not my first choice for food (going to be drinking some pea protein and eating a can of chili beans), but it’s food, and it fills the stomach, and it nourishes the body.
Success:
- I feel like it’s a success to be able to look at my current superficial struggles, and to recognize them both as superficial and as opportunities for growth in multiple ways hopefully, I can maintain that perspective.
Improvement:
- And clearly, that sets up the perfect area for growth. 🙃 Hopefully, I can overcome the superficial elements of my nature, and let go of my concern for my own attractiveness and begin to see people for their inner selves and not the packaging their body clothes their soul in.
Thought of the Day:
“Mistake to send the Hand Cart Company out so late in the season? Yes…. Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No; neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.”
~ Francis Webster
Hand of God In My Life Today:
I feel like I felt the spirit testify of some things to me during some of the uplifting videos I watched.
G’night, my lovelies. We’ve got this. 😊
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 