I’m not getting anything done. I’m on overload for some reason.
I tried to work a bit today, being the last day and having not worked at all yesterday, but I think I only answered something like four questions today.
I just… I’m having a hard time getting going. My brain doesn’t work well anymore, so trying to think abstract and creative thoughts… I just don’t have it.
And I think that’s discouraging, and I make little to no progress, and that’s discouraging, and then I just sort of spiral and… do what I’m doing.
The Big Guy said to not worry about the content of the book. He said just write it, don’t overcomplicate it, He would help me, and He’d make it perfect in His sight.
But I… struggle to trust, I guess. Who am I to write this? I have so little experience. My understanding is so… incomplete. How can I write this? I don’t even know what I should include, let alone how.
But He said trust Him, and I… why when I’ve been on the receiving end of so much revelation from God, so much love, so much reinforcement, why do I have a seemingly inexhaustible supply of fear and doubt?
I look at the experiences I’ve had. I feel so… weak. Like I need an endless supply of powerful spiritual experiences to remain afloat and not sink.
How many is enough for me? I mean, it’s pretty clear to me that I’ve had enough powerful experiences of multiple types to make it so I can’t ever walk away for good, but why can’t I just let go and trust completely? Why is it a constant battle?
And no, it wasn’t a bad day at all. I’m just not… moving forward and making progress, and the path ahead of me feels like an albatross, and like I have a mental/spiritual/emotional block.
I feel like unless I have someone to be my partner through this, side by side, I’m not gonna get it done because I just can’t focus and fight through it without help.
[sigh]
So the day has been both fine and good and discouraging.
Up late… felt like I woke up every five minutes, though that’s not realistic. When I was asleep, I had a nightmare, and I feel like every time I’d wake up and go back to dreaming, I’d resume the nightmare.
Morning routine was atrocious. Work was… ineffective. I think pretty much all I was good for today was watching useful/uplifting YouTube videos. 😕.
It was better than my past alternatives, but I’m slipping because inside I’m running, and I’m running because my brain doesn’t work, and I can’t think, and so this task God gave me feels impossible because I can’t see how I can do it, and that’s because I lack faith.
[sigh]
As if the Big Guy wants to teach me, as He regularly does, that when I finally am able to do the work, it will be clear that He carried me through.
🙃
Trust, Stephen. Let go, and let God.
Chatted with Heather and Hans a bit when they got home, enjoyed a lovely smoothie that Heather made despite her utter exhaustion at never getting even close to a night’s sleep, ate some quick dinner, watched another uplifting video, read some things my friend Brittani shared with me years ago that were meaningful for me, and now I’m here, late to bed again, but closer than I’ve been to “on time” since I’ve started trying to get up at 5? (it’s 9:18)
Gratitude:
- I’m grateful that God is love and that He’s never in a hurry and always patient with me.
- I’m grateful that it’s not humid here. It was 101 degrees today, but even at 101, it’s got nothing on Arkansas heat.
- I’m grateful that despite failing to get up on time, I’m doing better at excusing myself to go to bed on time. I constantly underestimate how much time it takes to write in my journal. It’s crazy how long it takes.
- I’m grateful for second chances and third chances and… thousandth chances. 🙃
- I’m grateful for the power of God. I know my heart, and I know that I want good. I want to love. I want to serve. I want to lift, so I know that God will see me through this current challenge to whatever end he knows is best.
Success:
- I guess I’ll call my last gratitude bullet my success for the day, focusing on that which matters most and my personal perspective.
Improvement:
- Get moving Stephen. I’m not sure how to solve my problem right now. I know having a companion to go through all of this with would make a massive difference, but I don’t have one, so there’s got to be another way. That’s going to be the focus of my conversations with the Big Guy tonight and tomorrow. I still have yet to regain my resilience. I’m much more resilient than I was at my worst, I think, but I’m far far from where I once was.
Thought of the Day:
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
This is a promise. It is not just a nice thought. It is a promise from God. If you will trust in Him, He will direct your paths. He will not always make your paths easy, but He will always make them right.”
– David A. Bednar
Hand of God In My Life Today:
My few moments of clarity are generally when I feel the Spirit. Then it’s like the fog lifts, and my intellect basks in crystallized truth and understanding. I feel like I had one of those moments amidst the fog happened while writing this entry.
Love to all. 😊
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 