(written mostly on the 12th from notes taken previously)
I was up late again, uh… doom scrolling shorts. 😅
Not effective.
Not what I want.
But easy when so much feels so hard, and I struggle with wanting to run away from the challenges.
Did some dailies. Are breakfast, and headed to Bomgaars, where I bought oil for the 4-wheeler and tried to buy an oil filter as well, but they were out of stock for that particular size.
Swung by the auto parts store and picked up a filter, and then headed over to the grocery store to grab some groceries for Heather and Hans.
When I got back, I spent a fair bit of time doing the oil change on the four-wheeler. It actually took quite a long time because the oil level kept changing each time I checked it. So it was under full, and under full, and then adding just a little bit, it was suddenly way over full.
And then when I removed a little bit, and then removed a little bit, it was still over full, and then when I removed only a little bit more, then suddenly the stick level went way down.
😶
It probably took me over an hour just to do a simple oil change on a four wheeler, trying to get the stupid oil level right. 😅
But it’s not leaking fuel anymore, and it has fresh oil, so… that’s a win. 😊
I’ve been spending a fair amount of time online on YouTube trying to share messages of kindness and compassion and trying to help bridge divides, and I spent a bit of time doing that today.
I’m trying to practice building bridges between members of the LDS Church and each other, and members of the LDS Church and former members.
I’m also gaining needed experience at learning how to thicken my skin while remaining in the state of love and compassion.
My friend John reached out today as well and mentioned that he could come visit soon. He’s in the continental United States for some family things, and he decided to stop on by, so I found out that he’s flying in on Monday.
So I’m going to miss Temple Tuesday for the first time in a long time, but it’s going to be wonderful to be able to spend time with him, as I haven’t seen him since we were in Costa Rica together back in 2020.
One of the challenges of spending time with old friends is that it brings back old memories, and for me, that can lead to melancholy and longing, and I think it did today.
I was feeling pretty down by the time it was about time for bed.
It’s so easy for me to get down. Seeing so many of my old friends living the kinds of lives I always thought I was going to live–what high school girlfriend has kids I think in college at this point. John just dropped off his oldest at college. Everybody with kids and spouses.
I’m sure there are challenges, but I always wanted to have that experience, to face those challenges, to work together, to choose to be and then learn together to be one.
I always wanted a companion to give my whole heart and soul to, to try to help feel loved and special every day of her life.
It’s weird not being able to give my heart and soul in its entirety to someone.
But that also gives me the opportunity to empathize with those who share similar journeys.
Gratefully, my sister was able to lift my world. I forget exactly what she called it: scripture lights, or something like that.
We just started going back through scriptures that we’ve memorized, and so quickly, the darkness melted away into light.
One new insight I’ve been thinking of it about, and this is probably going to feel like I’m being overly dramatic because clearly, I’m still able to do good for people, but it was just recently, within the last few days, that it dawned on me that God might ask me to sacrifice doing good for people.
I’ve had two overarching hopes for this life:
- I want to spend my life doing good, being a blessing to others.
- I want to have a companion at my side as we give our alls together to lift the world.
Up to this point in my life, number two has been something that I have been learning to place on the altar of the Lord. It is the number one spiritual struggle I’ve faced.
But it didn’t dawn on me until recently that I might be called upon to put number one on the altar as well.
As I sat, hour after hour, for days, trying to figure out financial records, trying to find lost data, it just felt like a waste of my life. Sure, in my emotional struggles, I waste lots of my life anyway, but it just felt like such a waste, sitting there searching for files, doing no good for anybody anywhere in any way.
But the truth? (And fair warning, the rest of this is Stephen’s religious views, and I’m not offended if that’s a jumping off point for you.)
God doesn’t need me. He can do his own work; and this whole plan has never been about Him anyway.
My personal perspective is that there is a significant and all too common misconception about the purpose of life.
I believe that we as children of God are not here trying to please God by following His rules so we can “go to heaven” or “make it to” the Celestial Kingdom, or make Him Happy, etc.
That’s… perhaps factually accurate, but it’s so incomplete that the conclusions drawn from just that information are, from my perspective, far from an accurate reality.
From my view, God is a facilitator of my desires.
I don’t do as I do and work as I work and believe as I do to satisfy some code of law drawn up to receive some prize.
I do what I do and work as I work and believe as I believe because I, from the deepest parts of my soul, want to be as God. He’s shown me, and I have seen what’s available to me, and this is what I want:
I want to be like Him. I want a heart of pure love, completely devoid of selfish pride in all its forms. I want to be love and empathy and compassion and light. I want to spend my life and all eternity doing whatever I can to help all sentient creation feel loved and valued and wanted.
And God has shown me and continues to show me how to get there. And it’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever worked toward. It takes giving everything. That’s why I love the sixth Lecture on Faith so much. I feel it. I’ve lived it. I’m living it. I have a testimony of it, and I love it.
And it takes giving everything I have.
And… I wouldn’t want it any other way because, though God knows me and knows the end from the beginning and knows who I am and what I will become, I want to see myself knowingly, willingly, lay every. last. particle. of selfishness on the altar, hungering and thirsting after the love of God, so that when I am gifted that greatest of all gifts, that permanent mighty change of heart, so that I love as God does, that I know of myself that I gave everything I had. I truly wanted it more than anything else.
For me, to receive that pinnacle of gifts before that full confidence in myself and my desires, before having given all while under the heaviest of weights and hottest of circumstances, would be a… no… I just… no.
I want to have 100% confidence in myself and my heart, come what may, and I want to be able to give my Savior and my Father the gift of one who truly understands them.
Gratitude to My Father:
- I’m grateful I was able to help reduce loads here on the home front by running errands for Heather and Hans.
- I’m grateful to Heather for suggesting bringing light through Scripture when I was starting to feel a little down (think maybe with all the negativity from people in the comments of the videos I watch to uplift me).
- I’m grateful I was able to go back to sleep after waking up enough to get my blankets on straight. It was upper 30s over night, and one blanket slid off during the night, but I’m such a light sleeper that I don’t want to get up to get everything figured out, because I’m afraid I’ll wake up for good. It’s a pretty normal thing to happen for me, but I was cold, and when I finally got up to go to the bathroom, I also spent time figuring it out, and I was able to fall back to sleep–warmer this time. 🙃
- I’m grateful that though the nerve and pain issues I think are contributing to my overall lack of energy, that I’m still relatively upbeat.
- I’m grateful that God is one who is ever reaching out to hold me, even when I turn away or forget Him.
We. Celebrate. Successes!!! 🥳:
- Mostly my sister’s success, but turning to meaningful scriptures was nice and really made a difference for me today.
Reflections on Where I Can Improve:
- I probably should have asked if someone could help me carry the 5-gallon water jug after I filled it up. I didn’t think I let its full weight come down on me, but I definitely angered my back, it maybe it’s just more sensitive because my back has been a lot worse lately anyway, I think from all the sitting I’ve been doing trying to clean up the files debacle and all the efforts I’ve made trying to get my taxes done.
Thought of the Day:
Scriptures are like packets of light that illuminate our minds and give place to guidance and inspiration from on high.
~ Richard G. Scott
Hand of God In My Life Today:
I felt the Spirit going through those scriptures with Heather, and I’m grateful. I have been so caught up of late in things that only seem important but really aren’t in the grand scheme of things. I love the peace and brilliant light and clarity of mind the Spirit brings to my otherwise often foggy brain.
Loves, loves, and more loves. 🥰
Lift the world.
Bring it on.
~ stephen
Lift the World 