(Written on the 7th)
Rough day today.
I’m just paralyzed in my addictions and avoidance of life. Fortunately, today I avoided the porn addiction, despite relapsing in so many other addictions again and again (sports and Amazon Prime stuff mostly).
Feeling so frequently like I’ve failed at life, and that so much of what I’ve lost or hoped for is lost/unrecoverable, and having lost all confidence in myself, it’s hard to not just bury myself in useless, life-avoiding entertainment.
I want to get back to the peace that passeth understanding that I enjoyed so richly while I was driving around the country earlier this year.
I got so caught up in insignificant things that I lost that peace, and then, because of so many years of bad thinking and bad choices, it’s so easy to just slip right back in and crash.
[sigh]
And so I spent the day in my van, avoiding–wasting away in front of my little phone screen, unable to function.
At home, then at the grocery store, where I binged a whole carton of ice cream, then to Cascade Springs.
Heather’s been worried about me, and so I came home because she wanted to make me some dinner, so I came back, and we hung out and chatted a little bit.
It’s pretty interesting: I felt like God wanted me to go to New Zealand, and I didn’t know why, and I’ve been concerned about it.
Then I crash and burn emotionally and spiritually before I go. I was doing so much better, and then boom.
Unless I can turn things around, I’m going to be going to New Zealand in a really bad space, which… is dangerous for me.
I’m at a pretty low low right now. 😞
~ stephen
Lift the World 