(written on December 18th from notes taken previously)
Today was trading devastation. 🙁
All the growth and progress I thought I had made was out the window and gone… and not just gone–obliterated.
I lossed another $12,000 today.
😶
I was stunned. Stung to my core. Angry. Discouraged.
I talked on the phone with my mom multiple times. I texted with my sister Heather and my friend Cory.
But I couldn’t get myself to stop.
I had a trade go south. It had been going up and up and up steadily for a long time in a very predictable pattern.
Stupidly, I sized up huge because of how steady the progress had been.
It would go up then drop down a little bit then go back up further than drop down and go back up further and drop down.
Over and over and over and over it was the same pattern, I think maybe it had been doing that same pattern for hours?
So when I bought a thousand shares of that stock, and it started going down, I didn’t panic, because that was part of the pattern. Instead of panicking, I did exactly what you’re never supposed to do. I averaged down.
Yes, it’ll often work to average down when you have a strong stock moving up, and that’s part of the reason why you shouldn’t ever do it. Because you’re going to expect it to work to average down because it has worked so many times in the past. And then we’ll come that one time where it doesn’t work, and you keep averaging down because you expect it to go back up, but then it doesn’t go back up, and you keep averaging down and keep averaging down until you have absolutely massive share size and enormous losses.
And that’s what happened today.
That’s what’s happened every single time I’ve had massive losses, I think.
I averaged down. So now I had 2,000 shares. And then it kept going down, so I averaged down again. And now I had 3000 shares. And then 4,000. And then every penny that it changes, that’s $40.
But the pattern that it had been on for possibly hours reversed for good right when I bought my first thousand shares.
So what happened? I lost thousands upon thousands, holding because I couldn’t average down any further because I didn’t have the money to average down further, holding because it should go back up, right? It’s been the same pattern all day, how could I be the unluckiest person to have bought at the very time this pattern that’s been holding steady all day finally decides to break?
But I was that person today.
And that’s why you don’t average down.
And then what happened is what always happens whenever I lose massive amounts of money. I go into an anxious apathy?
I don’t really know how to describe it.
I’m sort of in shock at what’s just happened, and I’m desperate to get out, and so I just start throwing money at trades hoping to get lucky instead of focusing in and being smart. I just let go of all common sense and effectively put on a blindfold and start chucking darts, hoping to hit a bullseye.
The same complete lack of discipline that I’ve had over and over again. So many successful trading days only to be undone, and not just undone, but demolished by a single day of poor choices in bad emotional reactions.
At one point, I think I was down as far as about $13,000. And I guess I did focus in a little bit. I focused in and clawed my way back from down 13,000 to down 8,900, which was a pretty big feat in and of itself, and I guess I should say that I did focus in and trade intelligently for at least a little while, which was why I was able to claw back $4,000 of the loss, at least at one point.
But then I started to lose a little bit, and that’s when I completely lost control of myself and just kept trying and trying and trying when it was stupid to even try it all, when there weren’t any good trades left to be had. I just kept chucking up darts.
As the demolition was in full swing, I talked to my mom multiple times. I texted with my sister Heather and my friend Cory, but I couldn’t stop.
It was like I was a mindless drone, stunned, panicked, and unable to make good decisions.
Just hoping to get lucky.
And one would think that you’d be lucky at least 50% of the time. They’re only two choices. The stock is either going to go up or it’s going to go down, but for perhaps 20 trades in a row, seemingly defying all laws of probability, every. single. trade. I took went south.
And I went from having clawed back nearly $4,000, to slipping all the way back to a $12,000 loss for the day.
I’ve lost $14,000 this last attempt at trading. Spent an enormous amount of time in the process, only to have the same result, to lose so. much. money.
I keep going back because I know that I can make money. And I keep walking away, again and again and again because I don’t have the discipline to keep the rules that I know allow for sustained success.
I break a rule, or something happens technologically to cause issues, and I just can’t handle it.
If I could just keep my darn rules, but I never have them locked in solidly. They’re just sort of fluid ideals out there instead of locked in rules that I’m determined not to break.
And it happens every time.
At this point, I think I’ve lost something like $50,000 in my various efforts to day trade over the years.
The way I live my life, that’s basically like 4 years of expenditures. 4 years I could have lived in New Zealand without even having to work.
And $50,000 of money in my bank account is more like $75,000 worth of effort expended because of taxes.
It is an enormous loss.
Then add all the other things that I’ve lost money on, the failed tree business, the equipment and vehicles. I think poor choices have led to losing somewhere around $100,000, of after-tax income.
So much waste.
So much good that could have been accomplished because of that money that can’t be accomplished because it’s gone.
I just want to succeed. Succeed at something. I feel like I screw up everything I touch.
It’s like the opposite of my younger years, when everything I touched seemingly turned to gold. But in those years, it was school and sports. School was easy and sports were easy and came naturally. I was good at everything.
But as an adult… The only thing that I seem to be able to sustain is having a good heart and wanting to do good.
Which is the most important to me personally, but I keep doing things that get in the way of making the differences that I want to make. I keep failing in ways that knock me back.
I just want to succeed something that is meaningful to me.
Why do I fail at everything?
I mean, I know part of the reason: There’s nothing left of me. I don’t have sufficient hope to put in the required effort to succeed anymore.
And so if something that I’m working on becomes complicated or has more than just simple setbacks, I don’t have the strength anymore to deal with it because I don’t have the hope that there’s going to be any value in the effort.
That’s my big problem.
Lack of hope.
After yet another financial demolition, I transferred the money I hadn’t lost from my trading accounts to my personal account savings account, and drove away, stunned… almost numb.
Bought petrol and headed up the west coast of the Coromandel.
I parked at a designated freedom camping location that filled up quickly.
I wasn’t wanting to be in a crowded place, so I left, looking for a less-crowded location.
That… Turned out to be a bit of a bad idea. The next place was empty, but had zero cell or internet connection, and I didn’t want to be without that for the night, so I kept driving.
After finding no other option, I gave in and decided to go back to the place that had no reception because it was empty, but by the time I got back, others had found the same place and parked, and there wasn’t much room, and I didn’t want to try and squeeze in.
I ended up driving around and then up one of the roads that goes from one side of the Coromandel to the other. I pulled onto a small gravel turnout in one of the bends in the narrow windy road through the hills/mountains, and called it a night.
Interestingly, I did feel a sense of relief to not be trading. I hadn’t gotten much sleep at all since I started trading. Trading all night and then only taking short naps during the day. I was running on very little sleep.
And I don’t want to be trading, not really. I want to be able to do the nonprofit stuff and somehow earn a living doing that. I don’t need a lot of money. I’m pretty low maintenance (if living in a van doesn’t already give that away 🙃).
So there was a part of me that was feeling a sort of sense of relief to not have the trading, which was taking up so much time, hanging over me.
I know I’m probably going to be tempted to trade again, because I know how to make money. I know how to be successful. I just don’t have the self-discipline to do what’s required, and so it always seems like it’s completely doable because I’ve been so good at having self-discipline for so much of my life.
It’s relatively new to be so weak.
But I guess that’s what happens when hope fades to only the faintest glow.
Lift the World 