Egotistical. Pathetic. Screwed up. Predator. Abuser. Manipulator. Danger to others. Sick freak.
…Pedophile.
Exactly the waste of flesh I thought he was. Not someone I want any person I care about to have anything to do with.
Watch out for him. Don’t listen to him. Don’t trust him. Stay away from him. Lock him up.
Those are just some of the things I think I’ve been accused of being and/or have been thought of as being.
* * * * * * *
In my previous post, I talked about fear running my life. I believe the biggest fear I have in my life is the fear of other people thinking poorly of me–to any degree, about any thing. Why? Because I want to be liked–by everyone. Why? Well… I’ll leave that answer for a future post.
The fear of other people thinking poorly of me is perhaps the single largest stumbling block I have in the road of my life (and yes, there are a mountain of stumbling blocks to choose from). I look at my life, and there are ugly dark things that I’ve done in the past (and some I still struggle with that I’m embarrassed about, though I’m not guilty of some of the awful things I’ve been accused of).
But because of what people have thought of me and accused me of being/doing, I’m afraid to go out there and try to make the positive difference in the world that I believe I could make because I’m afraid that people will just toss me aside as any one (or the entire collection) of the descriptors and statements I opened this post with.
What from my painful past will they dredge up? Which, if not all, of my current struggles will they publicize? What will become of my life, public and private? Will I lose my ability to make a difference for good in the ways I want to? Will I lose my ability to have close relationships because people don’t want to be close to me for any one of a million reasons?
And so, because of the mountain of dark stones waiting to tumble out of my closet should people decide to go looking, I hold back. Despite feeling, since I was a child, like I could make a big difference in this world if I would just go out there and do it, I selfishly don’t put myself out there. I don’t give everything I have because I’m afraid the world will label me, box me up, render me impotent, and toss me aside to be ignored, feared, scorned, held up as a public example of evil–you name it–because of the dark things they can find in and about my life.
We see it in the news all the time. People dredge up others’ pasts, sometimes from decades and decades ago, and they use what they find to destroy reputations and keep people from making the difference those people hope to make. They magnify weakness. They can take a single struggle, magnify it a thousand times, and make it a billboard snapshot that supposedly explains the entirety of the person’s life and character. They’re as brutal and relentless as grown-up schoolyard bullies.
I have many billboard-ready issues in my life to choose from. What will they think of or do to me?
That’s the fear.
Two of the motives I have for writing today’s post, and more importantly my next post, are these:
- I want to face my fear of being thought poorly of, and I want to overcome it. I want any concern for what others’ think of me to be out of concern for their well being and not for fear of my reputation. I want to let go of my selfishness and go out and make the biggest difference for good in this world that I can regardless of the consequences to me personally.
- I want to shine a light on the dark things in my closet in an effort to inspire others to shine lights on the dark things in theirs, to the end that we can show the world that the dark things we hide, our dark thoughts and actions, are actually quite commonplace (I believe that they are). I want to shine a light on these things, not so that we can make the dark things in our closets acceptable, but so that we can better accept those with dark things in their closets and work together to overcome those things through love and understanding.
I’ve toyed with the idea of being completely transparent about my life, down to the very last dark secret, for years now.
The time has come.
My next post will begin to lay me bare, albeit to an admittedly small audience of friends and family who are much more likely to accept and love me regardless. But it’ll be a beginning. And it’ll be public.
Here’s to sticking our heads out of the foxhole to change the course of the war. Here’s to taking risks for the greater good, even if our deepest fears are realized. Here’s to the good that people with dark things in their closets can still do. Here’s to a better today and a better tomorrow.
Thanks, for reading.
~ Stephen
P.S. My thanks to everyone who posted comments and sent encouraging words and whatnot. 🙂 . If there is anyone at all that you think could benefit from reading this post, please share it with them. I want this journey to be as public as possible, so that it can be a benefit to as many people as possible. Please follow the blog if you think it will benefit you.
Thank you 🙂 .
Lift the World 
Your post reminded me of this passage from Alan Watts,
“The last time any of you saw me, I was absolutely something different from what I am now; just as the flame of a candle is never a constant. A flame of a candle is a stream of hot gas. Only, you say “the flame of a candle” as if it were a constant. Well, it *is* a recognizably constant *pattern:* the spear-shaped outline of the flame and its coloration is a constant pattern. But in exactly the same way, *we* are all constant patterns, and that’s all we are; the only constant about us is all the *doing* rather than the *being.* It’s the way we behave, the way we dance; only there’s no “we” that dances, there’s just the dancing.”
This comforts me to think that the me I am is constantly growing, shifting, changing, learning. The versions of people we know are already out of date – snapshots in time, no longer real, unless we commit to giving space for someone to show us who they are now, again and again. Meeting each person as if for the first time, every time…is the way to understanding and compassion.
That’s beautiful 🙂. Thx!
I can’t even fathom that anyone would say the kinds of things about you that you listed at the top. Stephen, one beautiful thing about the Gospel is that when a sin is repented of, the Lord remembers it NO MORE. I believe you need to forgive yourself and forget those things of the past as the Lord has done regarding you. Forgiving oneself is not easy; I know, but it must be done to move forward. The Lord can make up the difference for all the errors that we cannot correct ourselves through our repentance and His Atonement. Let it go; don’t dredge it up again. It’s no longer you. Think of Alma the older and Alma the younger. They turned it over to the Lord and moved on, knowing that their sins had been forgiven. Think of Paul the Apostle, when he was known as Saul. I’ve wondered why Paul became known as the Apostle to the gentiles. Perhaps part of the reason was that the Hebrews still remembered him as Saul. He didn’t let that stop him, though, for the Savior’s belief in him was all that mattered. Think of Peter when he denied Christ three times. Each repented, believed in and accepted The Atonement and the love of Christ and moved on. You can do the same. We love you. Each of us has had our times we wished never existed. Just trust in the Lord, accept his love for you and His promises to you. He is the ONLY one we need to please and whose opinion of us matters. All the other opinions of this world should not be of any influence over our lives. As I stated above He has forgiven you and no longer remembers the past, as is the case for all of us. I’m a convert to the church. If someone threw up in my face my misdeeds of the past, I would simply let it fall off my back, because I know that I am now clean before the Lord and He remembers it no more. It’s one thing to believe in Christ and another thing to believe Christ. You might want to get this little book, Believing Christ, from deseretbook.com. Read it and then trust Him.
With love you and have confidence that you can put the past aside and move forward with hope in Christ,
Dad & Cindy
P.S. Our offer for you to live with us still stands. We miss you.
Thanks, for your thoughts, dad. I think I must not be communicating in the same style that you communicate with, thus making my message unclear to you. This is not about me not forgiving myself. This is about facing fears and trying to make the world a better place (see what I wrote about my two main motives in the c above post). Also, I’m not ready to go the LDS Gospel route right now. I’m not ready to throw it out, but nor am I ready to accept it. I’m trying to start over, tabula rasa, or as close to it as I can get. I’m seeking truth. I have an honest heart. It’ll be fine. 🙂
I am intrigued by your comment to your dad; “I’m not ready to throw it out, nor am I ready to accept it.” That, to me, is a fence sitter!! I applaud you, Stephen, for facing your fears. I feel the first step to any kind of change or rebirth is acknowledgement, and by owning, recognizing and facing the fears that keep you, and us, back, that will promote change and growth. I think it’s positive and I also think that you are entirely too hard on yourself and you have much good to offer mankind. Your kind and generous heart is needed by many. ❤️
Hello, Brother,
I have nothing profound to say, just lots of love to send. Stephen, if all the words you posted at the top of your post describe you, or your inclinations, or your inner struggles against inclinations, or… I still love you. I love you. I see your heart. Hearts are different from deeds done or undone. We all have ultimate evil and ultimate love living in our hearts waiting to be corked or tapped. We learn from our efforts to cork the evil or clean up after it and from our efforts to tap the ultimate love… And we’re all in that process. It might look different for everyone (I love Tish’s post about candle flames, and every time we meet, we’re meeting someone for the first time!) So, I guess all I have to say is I love you. I hope that releasing publicly some of the stones that have been crushing your soul will bring you relief and joy. That’s my greatest desire for you – for you to have relief and joy. I love you so much! With all my heart! No matter what. And not just no matter what, but for all the good and beautiful things living in your heart alongside the things you wrestle with. I am grateful and joyful to have you for my brother!!
On a side note, there is no shame in seeking professional help. I’m glad cousin Hilary brought up the blessing it has been for her to find a medication that alleviates her symptoms, and frees her to be more happy. I have a friend who has two adult sons with schizophrenia. Those problems are not the fault of her or her sons. It is just the challenges that were given to them. Though the road to treatment was rough for one of them (and involved regular threats to kill his mom, whom he lived with) both have been able to receive medical care and go on medications that help them have much happier, more fulfilled lives. One of them has a wife and kids who are very supportive of him. The violence the one son felt and expressed towards his mom and others was a result of his *illness*, not of *who he really is.* I have no idea the nature of your struggles, but there is no shame and no fault in seeking medical solutions for any or all of your challenges. Much, much love to you… 🙂