2020-03-29 — A Bit of Reflection

I always want everything to be perfect.

Take this blog, for example: I wanted to finish my mini autobiographical sketches before I moved on to these daily journal posts and before I started writing about the things that were what this blog was supposed to be about from the beginning–the thought-provoking and inspiring posts (and music… and videos) that I hoped would benefit and lift the whole world.

Why have I been waiting for those autobiographical sketches to be done to move forward with the main mission of the blog? Why would those sketches be necessary for a “perfect” blog in my mind?

Because to me, “perfect” is having my whole life out there in chronological order, so nothing gets missed, so that context is understood, a life traversed from the first to the present, so that as people read the today, it fits into its well-understood place in the whole, so that everyone understands–understands my life… understands me.

Why do I want people to understand my life… to understand me?

Because I want to make a huge difference for good in the world, but one of my biggest fears in all the world is people using the mistakes in my life against me–that somehow they’ll be able to use something about my past or my current struggles to turn others against me, rendering inert my dream of changing the whole world for good.

My thinking has been, “Well, if I lay myself completely bare, open up the cargo hold, hoist the colors high, and welcome all aboard to examine everything, then… then! Those who join with me or follow me to make the world a better place will go in eyes wide open. No skeletons can be dug up from the depths of the hold that might cause them unnecessary concern, no torpedos will be powerful enough to sink the ship. We will set sail and thrive no matter what the onslaught.

Now… I’m not naive (well… maybe a bit 🙂 ). I know that people get dragged through the mud by things that are untrue as well as for real indiscretions. I’ve experienced that myself in my life. I had one incident only a handful of years ago that broke me, shattered me, radically changed the direction of my whole life and left someone I love deeply, someone for whom I truly want the best, never wanting to see or hear from me again. Yes, I am painully aware that untruths can be just as damaging as any real skeletons in the closet, but there’s nothing I can do about the former. That particular ship has sailed, and I will likely have to deal with something like that again at some point in my life. But there’s plenty I can do about the latter. I can open up the cargo holds, lay everything bare, invite all to inspect, etcetera, etcetera.

But… well… it’s been a year since I sort of officially kicked this lay-everything-bare thing off.

A year!!!

And my many other fears have dragged the completion of those sketches out this long… How much longer am I going to wait before I move forward on my dream? How long am I gonna glide through life wasting it away out of fear?

I wanted things to be perfect–all in their proper place, so that everything was just… well… perfect. But… right now, paddling in any direction is better than the bow being pointed in the right direction but never getting my oars going. So… I’ve written this post today. 🙂

Progress.

I used to keep a daily journal. I never missed a day. I always wrote at least a little. I’m going to go back to that. At the very least, a little. It was helpful in a number of ways in the past. Perhaps it will be again. I don’t know if anyone out there will care about it enough to read it. I haven’t invited people to formally follow my blog because it wasn’t “ready” yet (the autobiographical sketches weren’t done), and I’m still not going to invite people to it until the sketches are done, but at least I’ll be moving forward. 🙂

This post is the result of the day’s reflection. After watching the last episodes of Eureka’s last season, I showered (Finally. It’s been a minute), and wandered around the property a bit, finding myself in melancholic reflection and wishing somehow to cut myself free from the anchor of fear that holds me fast. As I wrote, this post is the result, and it’s progress. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll make a little more. 🙂

Good night, world. May you have sweet dreams.

…unless you live on the other side of the world.

In which case, good morning, and I hope you have a happy day. 🙂

~ s