2020-05-15 — The World for a Nap

I didn’t make any money today.

Not any!

And I couldn’t be happier. 😁

It rained and rained, and I took pretty much the whole blasted day off, and shout out to my sister Heather, I even took a nap!!! –an almost 3-hour nap!!! I didn’t even get up until after 8, I think! Then I napped from like 5 to 8 tonight.

So nice.

Soooooooo nice. 😊

I also took my “new” (new to me) little Gray Monstrosity out for an inaugural drive (maxed it out at a whopping 19 mph on our dirt road here), and it did great. Power windows work. Sunroof works. Seemed to shift fine (up to 19 mph, anyway). Heater works (got to operating temp super quickly). AC works (I’m a bit surprised about the AC because the radiator support is mashed in, but I’ll take it!!!). Radio works, very well, in fact. Dig the steering wheel controls–similar to my Accord’s. Didn’t overheat (yet, at least… we’ll see how it does with the cooling fan motor right next to the super hot exhaust manifold because of the wreck. I’d pull it out (pull the smashed part forward, that is), but I’m afraid to ruin the working AC).

So… I have a functioning, very ugly, car that will hereafter affectionately be known as the Gray Monstrosity. (perhaps we have a tradition in our family of long car names? Mafia Staff Car? Perambulator? I got pretty boring with all my Prizms… Wifey #1, Wifey 2, Wifey 3, Wifey 4, etc. (I had a lot of Prizms).

What else… I got started actually taking time to noodle on my anger/frustration issues. It’s just a start, but it has me off top dead center and making progress forward. I’m tired of being so quick to anger and emotional meltdowns. 🙁 I never used to be like this. Sure, I’d have my moments, but they were few and far between, and now it’s… sooooooooo often. Not many people have witnessed it. One of my poor nephews here in Arkansas has (adult nephew), at least one of my customers, I think, probably my mom… Most people who know me haven’t even heard me swear, let alone have a melt down.

Anyway, I’m tired of melting down into a sad pile of ridiculous (insert most applicable visual image for you best understanding here). I want to get to where, as one of my readers commented, I can re-frame the issue as an opportunity to accomplish or experience something that I want to accomplish or experience. To help me get there, I can do as another one of my readers commented, I can repeat a phrase out loud to remind myself in the moment to take stock and re-frame.

If I can train myself to re-frame the experience within the context of what I want most instead of what I want now, I think I’ll successfully, one day, be able to completely rid myself of my frustration/anger feelings and reactions.

I think the first thing to do is to get myself back to where I used to be where the things I wanted most in my life were so ever present in my mind that my whole outlook was based on those, and it was a lot easier to put things in context and not be as affected by external events. So… that’s my next Morning Meditation post–a deep dive into who I am and what I want.

Then, I’ll spend time every day meditating on those things–who I am and what I want most–perhaps practicing re-framing in advance how the possible “obstacles” in my path that day will actually help me instead of derail me.

Because I already know who I am, I know that these things are possible because my desires are pure. I don’t want bad things (not the deepest parts of me, anyway). I want to lift the world however I can. I want to share and spread love, peace, joy, encouragement, comfort, empathy, etc, to everyone and everything, and I also want to be/become those things, as well as patient, understanding, etc. So, (and I would like to find a better word than this, but I’m not wanting to take the time to figure one out right now) re-framing the obstacles into positives isn’t a stretch at all because everything that happens can be a help to me on my journey to reaching what I want most, just like my phrase “Every day is a good day: It’s just good in different ways.” 🙂

Soooooo… I’m gonna start by laying out for myself again who I am and what I want most (I’ve been running and avoiding these things for so long, that it just hasn’t been present with me. Life has been too painful to face, so I’ve avoided it, including avoiding myself…

And look where it’s gotten me. 😬

Anyway, so I’ll dig in, lay it all out, and make it a regular, daily habit to meditate on who I am and what I want most. That will likely be one of the most helpful things I do. It will help me be better prepared for the day’s experiences and the placing of them within the context of my desired whole, even anticipating ahead of time and practicing re-framing in my mind, so that perhaps the mental reflex will begin to grow. Perhaps training myself to have the following (or something similar) thought with each new experience: “Well, what do we have here?”

That’s an innocuous “wait and see” approach, reserving judgment and emotion until time to place it in it’s proper context has been given. I’m sure such an effort will be a major undertaking, but I for one think it is totally worth the effort, even if just to experience the effort itself.

Anyway, so that might as well have been Morning Meditations: Anger/Frustration Thought Dump #2, but… yeah. Here it is in my journal instead. Perhaps I’ll link it to my morning meditations page as the next installment of the thought process for any who want to follow that process but aren’t interested in reading about my life every day.

So… there you go. More progress. Though it is repetitive and perhaps annoying, I owe this progress to the decision to make all of this public. The extra accountability is fabulous for me. The desire to not let anyone down, though not the best motivation, is potent and is keeping me going here. And I’d rather have a less effective motivation helping to move me forward than to try to wait for my motives to be 100% perfect and still be stuck on top dead center. I just couldn’t do it on my own yet without the extra push the public sphere provides for me personally.

So, my lovelies. I’m bringing home a baby bumble bee. Won’t my mommy be so proud of me?

Not sure why that popped into my head, but it did just as I was starting this journal entry tonight, so I figured I wanted to include it somewhere. 😁 If you don’t remember the tune, or don’t know it at all… Google it. It takes me back to my elementary school years, I think. Hopefully it triggers a fun memory for you. I don’t even know where… some distant, far forgotten part of my memory just dumped it out on me, and I don’t really know why.

Anyway…

#1. I’m grateful for the wonderful rain.

#2. I’m grateful to have a day off.

#3. I’m grateful to have been able to take a long nap and to not feel like I won’t be able to fall asleep again. Taking naps is usually a death sentence for me for trying to get a good night’s sleep that coming night. I usually just lie there, my rhythm all screwed up or whatever, but I’m thinking I’ll be okay tonight. Cross your fingers. I feel like I can sleep again.

#4. I’m grateful that I was willing and able to spend time doing the more important thing today (starting to process the anger/frustration issues). That’s gonna be huge for me.

#5. I’m grateful for the internet, so I can even do this blog/journal thing. It would be a good bit harder if we were still in the snail mail days.

#6. I’m grateful that so far, the Gray Monstrosity seems to be running well and working well despite the ugliness of the smashed bits and hailed on bits, and despite the smushed inner bits. Feels like a nice car from the inside. 😁 Who really needs a nice-looking exterior?

Oh, it does need brakes, though, all around, and it squeaks when backing up, like the e-brake is messed up or something. But… who cares for now.

#7. I’m grateful that my aunt was able to get into a good new facility today. She’s been stuck in the care center place where she’s been for so long… Would drive me up the wall. I hope hope hope hope that her foot heals, that the infection is gone, and that she gets to keep her leg.

#8. I’m also grateful for online journal capabilities because it seems to be a more stable way of keeping my journal. I don’t know how it happened. I used to make backups regularly–full backups that I should have, but I’m missing the entire three plus years of daily journals that I wrote while living in SLC right before moving to Arkansas. That’s huge. Those were some of the best years of my life. Hard, but good. And my journal is simply gone. I don’t know where it could have gone. It’s not in my main computer. It’s not in my backup hard drive where I backed up everything over and over again. It’s like it just got deleted and never existed. So… I’m grateful for this blog because even blog entries on blogs I started a decade ago are still there, safe and sound.

Okay, my lovelies. It’s 10:39 p.m. I’m gonna eat and drink a little because my body is a little on edge, and then I’m gonna hit the sack.

Thanks, for reading, and thanks for supporting me in my journey, whether spoken or unspoken. Much appreciated.

Lift the World.

~ stephen

Oh, p.s. If you’re wondering… 40, 48, 39, 13, 7. I did my servicise in the rain today.

Then I took a hot shower. 🙂

Staying home today made it harder on the TV/Movies/Sports one (13 in the list. But I’m making good progress. Best I’ve made in a while.

Oh! Confession! I had a coke the other day, but I didn’t even realize I’d had it until like an hour later when I went to get another one and was like… wait… this is sugar. I’m not gonna have this. I’m not gonna count it against me because it was done without even realizing it, and these are conscious accountable decisions that I’m keeping track of. I don’t feel like I screwed up because I never made a conscious choice to go against my desire. Some might call it rationalization, but I call it just fine. I don’t see any reason to start over the count. If I’d thought about it ahead of time and done it intentionally and knowingly, then by all means… I’d start over. But… no. No need to punish myself. I’m still 100% a far as I’m concerned.

Good night!