2020-05-17 — Well, Stephen. What do we have here?

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve just felt down today. Not quite full blown depression, but like a depressive cloud is hanging around me or a depressive weight pushing down on me.

It’s weird.

I’m not sure when it started. I haven’t felt it all day. But it really is heavy–sapping my spirits and motivation right now. It’s completely contrary to where I was this morning when I finished my morning meditation post about who I am and what I want. It doesn’t really make sense when placed within the context of the rest of my life and the positive steps I’ve been taking.

But then again, mental health doesn’t always make sense. Let’s hope this is just a temporary wet blanket on an otherwise lovely day.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait! Wait! Wait!

“Well, Stephen. What do we have here?”

😀😀😀

Well, guess what!!! Here’s what we have! This experience is perfect for helping me to receive the deepest desires of my heart!!! It’s an opportunity to choose perseverance, patience, and optimism through harder times. It’s an opportunity to gain experience that will help me be more empathetic to others, as it’s an opportunity to walk, perhaps not even close to a mile, but at least a few feet in the shoes of those who struggle with real, long-lasting depression or even just short little depressive episodes like mine today.

If “every day is a good day. It’s just good in different ways,” Then I dare say I’ll make the claim for the moments of the day as well: Every moment is a good moment. It’s just good in different ways.

Well, now… I almost feel like I’m cheating. 🙃

Much of the depressive weight suddenly lifted as I remembered the phrase idea suggested by one of my sisters and the phrase that I’d chosen. Suddenly, I was smiling and brighter and happier. I still feel something there wanting to drag me down, but I’m smiling now and lighter than I was.

So… let’s continue that way… we’ll do the gratitude a little earlier in the post today than usual in an effort to roll that negative cloud right on out the door. Or maybe I’ll just do nothing but gratitude for the rest of the entry today? 😊

Ear.

We’ll play it by ear.

#1. I’m grateful for the beautiful day that it was today. The sun was shining. The wind was breezy, perfect to offset the warmer temperatures, so it wasn’t uncomfortably warm. I walked my under-construction trails in the woods a couple times. Once on my own and then once with one of my nephews who’s getting ready to build a house to the side of the upper pasture area. I did manage to get one tick crawling up my leg (I still haven’t gotten all the taller plants chopped down on the trails, so, it’s still more of a tick trap than it will be once I’m done.

#2. I’m grateful for the thought about re-framing phrases that one of my sisters shared with me, the results of which, you’ve just seen first hand in the moment! 🙂

#3. I’m grateful that I was able to get the limbs cut off the tree by the garage without falling out of the tree. 😌 I had to go pretty far up, but they were starting to rub the roof on windy days like the last few have been, and we don’t need shingle problems.

#4. I’m grateful for my little fan by my bed that sends a nice gentle breeze on hotter days. It’s been the nice part of the year where we’ve had the HVAC system completely turned off for maybe… a month now? I don’t know how long. Weeks, at least, I think. Some days it gets a little warmer inside, some days a bit cool. The cool days are easy. The warmer days… I have this fan.

#5. I’m grateful for the mixture of yogurt and granola. So good. 😊

#6. I’m grateful for encouraging people who post encouraging comments here and other places.

#7. I’m grateful that I could get solid black baseball style hats for like $10 on Amazon. I buy them for work because I often don’t want to take the time to make my hair look nice each morning when I’m just going to get it all dirty and greasy lying in the dirt and oil anyway, so I use them as business uniform attire. 😁

#8. I’m grateful that, when I dropped my phone and shattered it even more, pretty much past the point of usefulness, that unlike last time when it through me into a temporary funk, I didn’t bat an eyelash. It was like well… okay. I mean, I wasn’t happy, but I think I might have even chuckled a little at one point (it’s so smashed that little bits of glass are breaking off as I swype to write this 😬. So… I have another phone on the way now, and this time, I got an insurance plan for it. 😁 I also ordered the newer version with an extra gig of RAM. Hopefully, that’ll do better at handling the massive memory requirements my phones apparently need with all the stuff I ask them to do on a near constant basis for my work.

#9. I’m grateful to be able research doctors before I choose one. I’ve been trying to find a good orthopedic doctor for my ulnar nerve issues, and I can only imagine what it would be like without being able to research reviews and whatnot.

#10. I’m grateful that singles websites exist. They’re not the most comfortable or effective mediums for me, but… they’re pretty much what I have out here.

Speaking of dating… that might have been one of the triggers that helped bring about that depressive weight I described as I started this journal entry today. I was looking through Match.com, and I ran across the profile of a woman that I’d be interested in reaching out to. But then I thought about the fact that I don’t even have a profile yet. And then I started thinking, “How do I even describe myself right now? My life is all upside down, and I’m just barely starting to get myself back on track.”

It would be easy, and I’d probably agree with it myself, to say that I’m a mess, a shipwreck trying to piece myself back together. Am I even ready to date? This particular woman… she’s super active in her religious community–Christian/Protestant, as the label on the profile says. And me? Well… I don’t know what I believe there yet. I mean I absolutely loved the gospel as I understood it, and I might very well go back to it, as I’ve said before. I miss it. But I’m not there yet. I’m neither ready to return, nor am I ready to walk away. I don’t know what I’ll do. My heart is open, and I’m searching, trying to start over fresh, and you can be sure I’m not going to make a choice just to make one.

Part of me says… “Who’s gonna want someone who is so lost in such an important arena of life that they don’t know what they believe about spiritual things?” But this is my reality, and I’m not gonna paint it any differently. There’s only one choice for what to put on my profile. “This is the person I am, and as for what truths I subscribe to? Well, I can list those easily enough, but as for any sort of religious affiliation or rejection? I’m remaining aloof–purposefully–for the time being. I am who I am and will always be who I am, and I’ll make the choices for where I end up in that arena in time but not now. That’s my reality right now that anyone who would want to date me will need to be aware of and be okay with.”

I’m afraid to try to date members of the LDS church because, well, first off, I’m a big red flag as an inactive, not temple-worthy person, so that’ll pretty much close me off to 98% of those who have historically more closely aligned with the principles I love and who are much more likely to be at least semi-known quantities, so to speak.

I’m afraid to date non LDS people because, well… what if I choose to go back some day? It’s a whole lifestyle, not just a few beliefs to subscribe to and ponder upon occasionally.

What I’m looking for in the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is someone whose deepest desires are aligned with mine. The peripheral stuff? She likes olives and I don’t? Not important. But the stuff of the deepest desires of my soul… I want to have someone side by side with me who’s passionate and hungry for those things like I am.

I want to find someone I can be one with.

For so many years, I thought I had that worked out. Now I’m lost and starting over, but it’s almost less than starting over because… yeah…

So do I just put off dating until I’m ready to move forward in choosing a religious (or lack thereof) belief arena as well?

(sigh)

I don’t know.

What I do know is god or no god. Wife or no wife. Religion or no religion. I am me, and the deepest desires of my heart are what they are, and I can’t currently picture a realistic scenario in which they will ever change. I will never be at home in selfishness. I will never be at home in pride. I will never be at home in vanity. I will never be at home in anger, resentment, fear, etc. Those will always be foreign to me, and the temporary road trips I have to those places are always uncomfortable, contrary to my nature. Home is love, peace, joy, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, truth, understanding, commitment, encouragement, etc.

I’ll figure the dating thing out… at some point.

On that note, good night, you wonderful people you. 🤗

Lift the World.

~ stephen

Oh! I keep forgetting!

42, 50, 41, 15, 8. And tomorrow will be the first day of my daily morning meditation sessions that I’ll do in an effort to help me stay grounded throughout the day in who I am and what I want most. Wish me luck!