Morning Meditations: Who Am I, and What Do I Want Most? (Thought Dump #1)

Some people will say that I am what I do (a type of “actions speak louder than words” argument).

I agree, to a point, but I believe stopping there leaves the story incomplete and opens the door to sweeping generalizations that can paint a false narrative on the much deeper but still fairly simple reality of who I am.

Certainly, the things I do are important, and other people in the world don’t have much else to go on when trying to figure out who I am other than observing my actions. And though that’s understandable and completely reasonable, practical, and necessary in a society with laws and whatnot, I believe it should also be understood that my actions of a given moment, or even across a long stretch of “moments,” don’t necessarily reflect who I am deep down–that the external, visible behavior can be an aberration–completely incongruent with my deeper nature.

You see, I believe that I am quite prone to forgetting myself, getting caught up in animal instinct, habit, societal norms, etc. I think of my recent choice to quit eating junk food but then my complete obliviousness to the fact that I grabbed a Coke out of my buddy’s refrigerator. It didn’t even register that what I was doing was not what I wanted most. I simply did it. I wanted a Coke. I grabbed it out of a desire of the moment, out of habit, etc., without ever actually thinking about how or if it fit in the picture of what I wanted most.

I have a statement that, some variation of which, I’ve said for years that I personally believe is a concrete truth: We always choose to do what we want to do based on the options we think we have at the time.

The kicker in that statement is the part that states “based on the options we think we have at the time.” That’s why what I do now can be a very inaccurate measure of who I am. Why? Because my understanding of my options in any given moment is not always clear or effectively placed in the broader context of what I know, think, believe, or want, and so my judgment gets cloudy and my desires unfocused. Thus my actions of the moment are often a result of those unfocused and uneducated desires and incomplete perspectives. Being temporarily blind to the reality of my options, I can be untrue to the deepest parts of myself, acting more on the level of the animal instinct, habit, and societal expectations I just mentioned without really thinking about who I am or whether what I’m about to do has any place in the larger arena of who I am and what I truly, deeply want.

Would I say that the actions that I take when I am blind are not me at all? No. They are still me, to a degree, but they might not be the deepest part of me.

So who am I?

I believe perhaps the most accurate description or identifier of who I am is the following (with one caveat that I’ll address shortly):

I am the deepest desires of my heart.

Nearly everything else is external, ancillary, a non-essential appendage, smoke and mirrors, temporary, whatever we might want to label it–still me, but not at the same time.

Now, there’s a whole lot more that could be written here to explain, perhaps more effectively, than what I’ve written here (and any of you who know my tendency toward verbosity, know that I’ve already written and deleted much more than is included here), but I’m going to leave this part of the discussion to touch upon one other point before transitioning into a description of who I am (what the deepest desires of my heart are).

Move me from automotive work to public speaking. Am I still me? Of course. Remove my arms and legs, taking away my ability to hike a beautiful mountain, swim in the big blue ocean, and play my piano and guitar. Am I still me? Yes. Paralyze me completely, and lock me up in a dungeon, keeping me away from contact with any living creature or thing for the rest of my life. taking away my ability to act on anything, am I still me?

Yes.

And what is left that is me?

Desire.

When everything external is taken away, I am still me. I have not changed, and the thing that is still there is desire. Who I am is what I desire.

That said, here’s the other part, the caveat: Take two people in that last and dark situation (the dungeon example) with the same deepest desires. Are they now the same person because they have the same deepest desires? No, they’re not. They’re still different people. Thus desire can’t be the only thing that’s left. The best definition I have for the other part of what’s left is personality. Truthfully, I don’t currently have any explanation for personality, what it is and how it fits, just that it’s there.

Thus, not knowing where the personality part fits, only that it does, and believing that the most applicable part for my personal progress is the educating of my desires, I’m going to deal with the part of me that I do understand–desire.

So… with that backdrop in place, the rest of this post will muddle through an answer to the following question:

What are the deepest desires of my heart?

I’ve done quite a bit of pondering on this, searching within myself over a span of many years (as those who know me best can attest). My understanding and ability to describe those desires has improved over the years, but it’s been a while since I’ve opened it all up. I remember what I came up with before, and how I clarified it better and better over time, but I think I can put it even more concisely now and then expand from there. So? What are the deepest desires of my heart?

I want the best of everything for everyone and every thing, including for myself.

That’s it.

First, for everyone and every thing. Can I possibly understand what’s best for every person and every creature in this universe at any given moment? No. But there are things that I can do that I know will be of great benefit to a great many people and a great many creatures on this earth, if not for all. Encouraging love, peace, respect, unity, compassion, understanding, etc. comes to mind.

Hence the non profit I’m gonna be starting. I don’t see anything better that I could do with my brief sojourn on this earth than to do my best to inspire greater love, peace, respect, unity, compassion, understanding, and every other beautiful character trait/value (whatever label best fits here).

I feel I have so much to offer in that arena.

(Every time I actually sit down and ponder these deepest desires, I battle with myself. You’ve seen me do battle here if you’ve been reading my journal entries. How long am I going to wait to just let go and do what I’m passionate about? How stable do I have to be financially before I just say enough is enough? It’s true, we’re in a world that takes money to live. That’s a reality. Will I shoot myself in the foot if I jump ship too early, when I don’t have the financial resources to keep me going in this effort for the rest of my life? When I was perhaps only a handful of years away from having the financial resources to do it forever? Or do I go now and say, there will be people who are willing to fund the effort, and there’s no shame in asking for donations for a worthy cause, even when some of those donations are gonna pay for my own living expenses, so I can be out doing these things? But if I find no one to donate, then all the financial resources I’ve built up in an effort to be fully self-sustaining and do this type of humanitarian work will be used up in a flash, and I’ll be back at square one starting over trying to gain the money to try it all over again.

Perhaps I just start the organization now, and run it small time and run my mechanic business at the same time… It’ll make everything harder on both counts, but safer financially.

Your thoughts are welcome, all y’all out there. Encouraged and appreciated)

Tangent.

Okay… the second part of my deepest desires–becoming the very best person that I can be personally (the part about having the very best of everything for myself as well). I want to personify love–to love everyone and every thing without any strings attached. I want to be able to forgive everyone (not be walked on, of course, but truly forgive everyone). I want to be able to experience any and every moment of my life with patience and understanding, and gratitude and perspective. I want to entirely rid myself of fear. I want to develop all of the positive virtues that exist in humans to the purest and fullest extent humanly possible–love, understanding, compassion, empathy, kindness, forgiveness, patience, gratitude, humility, acceptance, passion, commitment, honor, integrity, perseverance, etc. And I want to welcome, with open arms, all the experiences of life, as every single one will likely help me develop those and many other beautiful and positive attributes if I choose to let them. I also want, as best as is humanly possible, to understand what it’s like to be another person going through what they’re going through. I know I can’t ever fully get there, but I want to at least try to walk a mile in their shoes.

So… with all of these things in mind, who am I?

I am Stephen. I am kind, caring, compassionate. I am understanding and committed. I accept you as you are, no strings attached. I’m forgiving, patient, and grateful. I’m passionate, determined, and honest. And though it would seem to demonstrate the exact opposite in the very assertion of the quality, I am humble.

These, and other characteristics and virtues are the deepest parts of me. They are who I am.

But as I mentioned, I often forget myself, blinded by incomplete perspective, caught up in the pressures and stresses of what our society often claims is important. And, having lost myself, I often act contrary to who I really am, and the character attributes mentioned above are often nowhere near accurate to describe the man in the moment. In those moments, I can be angry, selfish, afraid, unforgiving, dishonest, jealous, demanding, impatient, proud, and many other unhappy and unsightly things.

Hence this post. It’s time to get back to that state of mind where who I am and what I want most dominates my thoughts from moment to moment, so that I can get back to being the greater part of me.

I once described myself as a little ball of unquenchable fire as my core (all those good traits) but also surrounded by a cloud of all those unhappy ones. I described them as all being me, but that the inner unquenchable core would one day overcome the outer cloud. I can still see this as being correct, for even when I forget myself, it’s still me making the decisions. It’s just the cloudy outer layer of me doing so, instead of the bright inner core.

However I choose to label or describe myself, I still believe the same thing. One day, I will be able to disperse, burn off, dissolve… whatever… that outer misty, cloudy layer, and what will be left is the bright inner core, radiating goodness.

That’s my cheesily stated but absolutely 100% committed goal.

Now, it’s time to leap back into action. As my readers have suggested, I will have little phrases I can repeat to myself that will help me maintain or regain perspective. The phrase I’m going to start with at the coming of each moment of my day is “Well, Stephen, what do we have here?” (as I mentioned either in my previous morning meditation or journal entry, I don’t remember which). That will, hopefully, once I’ve baked it into my automatic reaction to new moments, give me time to think about how whatever is happening in the moment fits in with my overall desires, and how I can choose to utilize the experience toward achieving any one of the many aspects of those goals.

I will also, as another reader suggested, set aside specific, dedicated time each morning to meditate. In particular, I’ll meditate on the coming day within the context of who I am and what I want most (as described in this post), and to mentally prepare for the opportunities (perhaps a more positive label than challenges or obstacles) that will surely come that day. And finally (in this first salvo of targeted effort), I will set aside dedicated time each evening to meditate (likely in my daily journal entry) over my experience of the day and the progress I’ve made in framing each event within the context of who I am and what I want most.

My Lovelies, thanks, for reading and for supporting me.

Lift the World.

~ stephen