2020-05-19 — Meltdown

Today I reached the end of my rope …and then just fell off. I ended up having pretty much a complete and total meltdown during my last job. It’s 12:54 a.m., and I just finished it, and it was an absolute nightmare. I’m dictating on the drive home–again

Intellectually, I understand that it’s all good for me, that it’s exactly what I need to reach the goals I have for life and myself, but I just couldn’t do it today. That little cloud surrounding the ball of fire that I described in my latest morning meditation post completely won out today. The desires of the moment kicked trash over the deeper desires, at least during my meltdowns.

I wasn’t in melt down all day. Things started building noticeably about 2:30. I melted down a little bit about 4. Then I did okay until about 10 or so, when I melted for probably about an hour and a half straight.

If you are curious what a meltdown looks like with a 38 year old man, think of a two year old not getting his way, add some deeper discouragement, desperation, exasperation, non-stop shrunken vocabulary, put him on the verge of tears… add some animalistic shrieking a few times, and that’ll probably about cover it. Pretty pathetic, honestly, but what’s transparency in a blog if you hide the embarrassing and only show the positive?

So, in at least that area, I totally blew it today. Just seems like the whole world was stacked against me today. Everything seemed to go wrong everywhere. Of course, that’s not accurate, but that’s certainly how it felt.

And I have to take responsibility.

I’m the one who melted down. I’m the one who chose to be angry and to have a tantrum because it was such a challenging day instead of being grateful for the incredible opportunities.

Even in the melting down, there’s opportunity–opportunity to be more understanding and compassionate of others who struggle. Opportunity to soak in what it feels like to be this way at the moment and to try to put myself in others’ shoes later.

Always opportunities.

It’s also an interesting place to be in when I recognize that even when I am cognizant of the fact I’m falling apart and that there’s no good reason for it because the experiences I’m whining about are perfect for helping me accomplish the deepest desires of my heart… It’s interesting that the desires of the moment can still win out so easily.

It’s certainly sobering and humbling.

So… now I sit here in the driveway (I’m home now), still sitting in the Durango. I’m exhausted. I need to sleep, but I still haven’t exercised, nor have I taken care of my body today. Nor did I have a decent morning meditation prep for the day.

I’m gonna go for a run now. At least I can still hang on to that one for today. And no porn/sex stuff, no TV crap, no junk food, and a journal entry despite the super rough day. So those are positives.

#1. I am grateful that my first customer of the day didn’t give me a big headache nor was he angry that I could tell when I messaged him several hours later after I realized that I only billed him about 30% of the labor that I should have. He paid the rest of it without complaining, and I appreciate that. I hope I don’t lose a customer over it. I really did give him some pretty fantastic service, honestly, so I wouldn’t think I would lose him. But, it never really feels good to find out that you have to pay more than what you were billed. I didn’t change the price on him from the quote, just didn’t even bill what I’d quoted.

#2. I am grateful that I was able to figure out what was wrong with my second customer’s car. He thought he needed a turn signal switch, which I guess is possibly a common problem with his particular vehicle type. He had had two other people look at it, and they told him that it was the switch. However, I found a blown fuse in the trunk fuse block that turned out to be the issue. That saved him about $250. I was also able to let him know that the tire place that put on his new rims neglected to tell him that he needed new extra long wheel studs to go with the rims that he chose. He’s going to go back to them, and hopefully they will take care of that for him. Or something.

#3. I am grateful that I have finally made it back to Diamond level as a client of AutoZone’s. That means all of my labor claims, I believe, should be paid out at 100%.

#4. I’m grateful that, though I screwed up and didn’t get a good daily meditation prep in for the day, that at least I am getting everything else in for the day. That’s something at least.

#5. I am grateful that I can go to bed as soon as I finish exercising. It’ll probably be about 5 after 2 before I finish exercising, and then I will get a drink, and pass out.

Good night, peoples.

Lift the World.

~ stephen