2020-06-14 — Lows & Not As Lows

To be honest, I’m in a state of mild despair. 😞

I’m worn out. I’ve spent nearly all of my “day off” working–not on fixing cars but on the business, and I’m still super behind. I spent hours cleaning out the work truck so I’m not frantically trying to find things during the work day. I’ve been so disorganized lately from running frantically from job to job that it’s been taking far too long to find my tools, and I’ve even bought tools that I thought I lost, only to find them buried in the bowels of the Durango.

I answered phone calls from customers wanting to know if I’m going to get them taken care of tomorrow as promised. I’ve spent pretty much my whole day preparing for tomorrow and the coming week, getting quotes out, and on and on and on and on.

I’m burned to the core.

I’m filled with dread. Another week is approaching with lightning speed, and I watch the clock tick later and later into my “day off,” and my discouragement and despair and feeling of being trapped and overwhelmed compound.

The only rest I’ve had today is watching some nature documentaries and a handful of funny/inspiring animal YouTube videos and part of a motorcycle video. But even with those, I’m feeling a little guilty as to whether or not that should count against my running tallies for no TV and movies, so I’m nervous and discouraged and afraid of all that as well. It’s different, but is it the same? No and yes?

I don’t know. I know it’s not the same, but feeling like I am, the lines are getting quite blurred. Something has to change and change fast or I’m gonna crack. Today I’m miserable, honestly. Success in business is not worth misery, but like I mentioned before, it’s like an addiction. Maybe it is one. I’m afraid not to work my butt off. I don’t really know why, though, yet. I don’t want to start all over like I had to 4 years ago. I want to reach my goals as soon as I can and get out of this rat race. But I don’t know why I’m afraid to slow down Ava really do what I need to do. I need to stop and ponder it, but I’ve not been doing that either.

I’m so discouraged. It’s just after 7 p.m., and I’m just… gone. Not rested at all. Not rejuvenated in the least. Depleted. Drained. Burned out. Done.

But I can’t be. I have customers I’ve promised to help, an employee who depends on me for his subsistence. I feel trapped. And this stupid new WordPress editor that they’ve forced me to use is so slow it takes several seconds for much of what I write to even appear on the screen.

Ugh.

…

Hey! Bonus! In the midst of my WordPress venting, I found an option to switch back to the classic editor. They must have returned the option, as they said they were taking it away for good I believe on June 1st.

YAY!!!! 

There’s at least some bright spot. Now my text flows super freely, and I can actually see what I write as I write it instead of waiting for 10, 15… however many seconds for it to appear after I write it.

That’s a nice little reprieve in a good day of the miserable variety. 😊

The lawn needs to be mowed. My room is a disaster. The garage is a disaster. The driveway is a disaster. My unsold cars all need work, and I don’t have time to fix them to get them sold. My business paperwork is a disaster and needs to get done (still haven’t finished my property taxes or any of my taxes).

I’m drowning, and all I have to do to get out of it is say “no,” and only work enough to keep David busy while I take a break, get caught up, relax, etc.

But I can’t.

Why?

What on earth is wrong with me?

(sigh)

So discouraged.

I guess on that note, I’ll try and find some things to be grateful for before I crash and start a new week.

#1. I’m grateful to have a clean/organized work vehicle. It’ll make work easier this week than it’s been in a while.

#2. I’m grateful to have a burn barrel to help get rid of the overabundance of burnables and create ash that will hopefully make for good soil? Maybe not if it’s been ignited with gas? Who knows.

…

It’s now 9:54. p.m. I’m feeling a little better. 😊 I’ve been working for the last two hours… basically a 10-12 hour day on my day off?

Anyway, I had to take a break from writing to get parts ordered before stores closed for the jobs that need to be done tomorrow.

#3. I’m grateful that I have David’s 1st job of the day lined up. It’s been so crazy lately that I have no idea where I’m sending him when I wake up in the morning, just that there’s a bunch of cars, and I didn’t get back to people in time to get them properly scheduled the night before. Nice to have the first job scheduled, so he can get going without having to ask me. 😊

#4. I’m grateful for… uh… the fact that I can use the classic editor right now to write this post.

#5. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to be more flexible with myself, both in determining what I’m capable of doing and being okay with not reaching perfection immediately and also in not being so rigid on my standards for my challenges that I’m bumping myself back to zero right and left. For example, yesterday, I think it was, I had a curse word come out that I’m not sure whether it was premeditated or a flyer–it was soooooo close. In the past, I might have said, well… it’s safest to say it was premeditated, that way I know I’m not cheating and I know I’m good. Now, though, I’m less stringent with myself. I’m honestly not sure. Why punish myself for something that was so close that it wasn’t even clear? Spirit of the law. It’s the same with the sparkling sugar-free flavored water my customer gave me yesterday and the YouTube videos today, and my days where I only ran 15 minutes instead of the 30 I’d worked hard to get to… And letting my eyes wander far too much on super immodestly dressed women.

I’m sure an argument could be made to say I should start my counts over, but I don’t think it’s necessary, right, or wise. An argument could be made the other way as well.

So… I’m choosing forward and still on track. I’ll let other people decide what they will. I’ve made my choice, and I say I’m still good. (For any who know me, it’s more evidence of growth for me to be less strict on myself than an excuse for not starting over).

Anyway, there you go. Obviously, I’m feeling better than I was a couple hours ago when I started this post.

I’m tentatively thinking about taking a trip to Costa Rica or New Zealand/Australia or somewhere. Gonna have to figure out how it will all work, though. I don’t have anyone to answer phones, and it’d be too hard for David to do both, and I don’t want to give him a vacation he doesn’t want. He’s got bills to pay, and he’s actually picking up Fridays for the temporary future to add some extra income. I don’t want to put him behind the 8 ball and make things more stressful. I’ll probably need to get another mechanic and a secretary before I can go on a vacation, but that has eluded me to this point.

Maybe I need to focus on getting a secretary/front man/woman. Yeah… that’s probably the better way to go. 

I’ll ponder it.

Thanks, for reading, folks. Thanks, for being there. Thanks, for the encouraging comments.

I hope you have had a wonderful day, and I wish you a happy evening, peace of heart and mind, and beautiful happy dreams. 😊

Loves and hugs. 😊

Lift the World.

~ stephen