2020-07-04 — Broken

Hey, everyone,

To be honest, I can’t function right now. This experience with my old friend has been an emotional roller coaster that has been both healing and has torn me apart. Currently, I’m experiencing more of the latter, and I fear that such is where I’m going to stay.

I’m struggling a lot right now.

I’m barely getting enough hydration and nutrition to stay moving, but I just can’t get myself to eat. Drink yes, but I can’t eat. I think I’ve lost like… 6 lbs between the going over the edge a couple days ago and these last two days working through all this. I haven’t answered the phone all day or gotten back to customers. Nothing scheduled at all for Monday for David. I hope they (my customers) can understand and can forgive me for times of personal crisis.

My heart is broken again. I’m in pieces. Nothing bad has happened. It’s actually been a beautiful thing to see us work together trying to work through these things, but I’m just broken in little pieces.

Not only is my heart broken, I think it’s also not physically functioning correctly. I’m pretty sure I’m having lots of PVCs (pre-ventricular contractions). I once fasted for 72 hours–no food or water (yeah, not smart, I know)–and I ended up with PVCs after. I’ve been feeling them for a couple days or more now, lots of them. I need to eat, but I literally can’t get myself to.

I’m in agony. I’m shattered into a thousand pieces. I’m exhausted. I’m so tired. Tired of life. Tired of this battle that I’ve fought with this experience that has been my world for over a decade, that I still don’t know the answers to, and even were I to get the answers, there’s no “win” for me.

I’m not suicidal, so please don’t worry about that, but I don’t want to live. Please forgive my selfish outburst, but I’m so tired of life, so tired of the pain, so tired of sacrificing and sacrificing and giving and giving only to lose something so profoundly important. And to feel like I am over and over again.

There is no hyperbole in this. This is real and raw and accurate.

I want to be clear, my old friend has been an absolutely fabulous person to go through this with. I couldn’t have hoped for better. An absolute angel through the process.

Just the stuff itself… the process… the digging and digging to find the truth. The fear of the truth, though with strong dedication to it. No excuses. No pressing of agendas for self or to the other. It’s been beautiful that way. I joint effort to find truth, whatever the consequences.

Beautiful.

But the circumstances are soul-shattering for me personally, and the path forward excruciating… regardless of which road turns out to be the right road. That’s why I say there’s no win for me. It’s hell to the left and hell to the right and hell behind me, and there’s no way out but through, and I can’t bare it, but I have no choice, I’m trapped in it, and I’d just rather just cease to exist right now.

Obviously, I’m not keeping it together well if I’m keeping anything together at all.

Ugh… gratitude. Right. Let’s see what I can come up with through this.

#1. I’m grateful that my friend is a gem, an angel, so concerned for me as we have both found ourselves in pieces at times.

#2. I’m grateful that I haven’t lost internet or cell connection much today, so I’ve been able to continue working through this, although it’s tearing me up at the same time.

#3. I’m grateful for my mother who’s been with me most of the day (on the phone, often times just present… not even talking, just a comfort to know she’s there).

#4. I’m grateful that I was able to get a whole ton of pictures transferred to Google Drive for my friend.

#5. I’m grateful that as poorly as I’ve been able to take care of myself, I’m still not migraining. I guess that lends a little more credence, perhaps to my issue having more to do with hydration than nutrition, though I still feel like it has to do with both to some degree.

Well, ya’ll, I’m sorry for the downer. It’s been a roller coaster of massive proportions for me today. From one extreme to the other, and I’m at the lower end right now.

I hope your good days were of the happier variety than my good day.

Loves and hugs to all of you.

Lift the World.

~ stephen