Hey everyone,
Happy almost weekend. What does one write when the days blend together and you feel you have nothing new to write? I guess I’ve realized that for private things, I really do need a separate journal. I meant this to be completely transparent… but there’s that sticky issue of what to do when other people’s personal lives are so intertwined and the stuff is so… personal. If I lived a life with nothing but a bunch Stephen clones around, I’d be like, sure, here… here’s the innermost secrets of my lives. But… it’s not that way, and I still want to have a record of my thoughts and feelings on those private events where it’s not really appropriate for the blogosphere. So… I guess I start another journal, too? Most of my life’s stuff can go here just fine, but… well… these last two weeks… not so much.
It’s easy enough to let it all hang out when it’s just me… You know? But… other people’s lives… well… that’s sacred and private to me. Though my own life is open to anyone who’s interested, to me, others’ lives are by default sacred and private.
It makes for only a small challenge, but a small one nonetheless in sharing thoughts with all y’all. Sorry, it’s a bit nondescript and devoid of detail.
Anyway, today I started off the day way behind. Yesterday’s escapade working after being so depleted for so long really hammered me, even though I tried to drink and eat and whatnot… it was still too much, and I slipped over the edge and haven’t been really back to good all day.
I stayed home all day, not working at all. I slept in, making sure I got a decent amount of sleep for the first time in a while. Turned the phone off and everything, which is really something I usually only do on Sundays. It was nice. I needed it.
Even though I had the day off, some of my poor customers were neglected. I was a bit of an anxious wreck for much of the day–spending hours talking to my mom, trying to breathe and ground myself and have some peace (didn’t get much of any, as one of my readers suggested… can’t be caught up in outcomes. It’s soooooo hard not to, though. Soooo hard not to. Completely true, but soooo hard not to.
That’s one thing I’m working on in my life–to not place my hopes in things I have no control over. Such an important lesson to get into my heart. Still very far from it. Today I did again, and I struggled again quite a bit because of it. I worked more with my friend, for hours and hours again. I feared. I had little bits of hope. At times, I was mostly clinical, playing the role of objective observer for my friend (kind of weird, but works if you know my brain… I”m able, somehow, to detach and be logical and clinical even when the topic is about me and things that are incredibly important to me. It’s weird, but I am grateful for it.
I also made some important strides, though, too. Though I’m fighting to hold onto the decisions, I’ve made some tentative decisions about how to go forward. If I can hold onto them and live them, I’ll do okay. When I start to fear, then… all bets are off. As a witness to the truth of my reader’s comments, those choices involve letting go of outcomes and focusing on what I can control.
Cross your fingers that I can keep my brain locked in to what I can control and let go of what I can’t.
#1. I’m grateful for laughter to space out hard things.
#2. I’m grateful for the thunderstorm that passed through an hour ago or so, the rain pouring buckets on the roof overhead.
#3. I’m grateful that despite the crazy hot weather outside, our basement is staying about 10 degrees cooler than last year. I’m not sure exactly why… maybe because I haven’t opened the vents to the crawlspace? Hmmm… should I?
#4. I’m grateful for ready-made foods, without which, I’d probably be dead right now.
#5. I’m grateful for my mom, always being there for me, through so many of these times over so many years. Thanks, Mom.
Well, folks, it’s time for me to sign of. It’s… uh… 4:05 a.m., and I still have to make the schedule for tomorrow which usually takes… well… a long time.
On the bright side, I’m seriously considering having this be my new normal–not going out to work but running things from home as a pretty much permanent thing. That’s where I’ve been trying to get anyway. I was hoping to do it with two techs in the field, but… it is what it is. I’ll settle for one for now, I think. Or at least in this nasty hot weather?
We’ll see.
Good night, all. Loves and hugs.
Lift the World,
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Thunderstorms! Working from home! These are wonderful gifts. One from the universe, one from yourself. I love it. Sterkte, my brother. You are stronger than you know.