The Things I Fear — My Biggest Fear

I fear…

That I will never get married.

Aside from becoming the best person I can be and being able to give my life to serve other people, there is nothing I want more in this world than a companion to walk this journey of life with–a companion with whom I am one, united heart and soul.

There’s a lot that plays into this fear. In my entire life, I’ve had two girlfriends. One in high school and one in college. In high school, I was terrified of girls. I never asked a girl out on a date. Not once. I never went to a dance. If a girl asked me, which I think happened at least once, I said no.

I think the first actual date I went on was in college. I went on a lot of dates in college. I asked girls out all the time. It was terrifying. But I did it, again and again and again.

Most of the girls got bored of me pretty quickly… or weren’t interested for whatever reason. I feel like over and over again, as I was being let down, I was always like, “well, I want you to know I think highly of you…” yadayadayada. And they’d walk away and not look back.

I found one woman in college I loved dearly. Janelle. And she loved me, too. We had so much fun together. We cared so much about each other. But it just wasn’t right, for multiple reasons. I once told her I wanted to marry her. I said the same thing to my high school girlfriend. I suppose there’s a lot more weight that goes into the college one, as it was actually a consideration. Had we gotten married… wow… we’d be coming up on 15 years of marriage right now. Crazy to think about. We’d probably have a teenage child or two, among probably more than just two.

But life goes its own way, and we weren’t right for each other, and so… time has marched on, and I’ve followed my path, and it’s led me to where I am today, still single, still longing, still hopeful, still committed.

My deepest fear in life is still very much alive right before my eyes. But one day I’ll look into the eyes of my dear companion, and the pains and fears of the past will be long past.

In the meantime, though, the fear comes up pretty regularly, and it’s one I’m going to have to knock upside the head and out of the way–hard.

How will I do it? That’s a good question. I’m going to focus my goals on doing what I can do. I can’t control the outcomes or timelines, but I can control who I am, and I’m gonna give everything I have to becoming the person I want my dear sweet future companion to have: One who is free of fear, for example, free of anger, one who is optimistic, one who is encouraging, understanding, compassionate, humble, one who has prepared well for the future. One who has taken care of his body, so that it will be as useful as it’s able to be for her, for our children, and for those we serve.

When the fear pops up, I’m going to say, nope. I can’t control that. Does me no good to worry. But I can love people, I can serve people, I can become a better man, and that’s what I’ll do; and I’ll leave the rest up to God.