2020-07-26 — Step by Step, Day by Day

Hiya, Folks, 😊

It finally happened.

After three weeks and three days of beautiful experiences, my re-connection with my dear friend came to a close tonight. I felt a range of emotions as we said our goodbyes, including feeling calm, a bit nervous, and quite sad.

I’m grateful that the ugly feeling that barged in when we tried to do this the other night was absent tonight. It made the experience much more of what I’d been hoping for–a sad but beautiful goodbye.

I’ve also felt a number of emotions since we finished that last conversation. I’ve been sad. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been at relative peace… As of right now, I’m calm, fairly at peace, and I’m tired. Honestly, I’m not really thinking a lot about it because it might be too much for me at the moment (I think the various emotions could be very close to the surface, and even though I’m at relative peace at the moment, it’s quite possible that any one of them could burst up and… well, I need to finish this journal entry and get my schedule for tomorrow worked out before I go processing all the emotions that are in there.).

Still, I’m grateful for the relative peace I have in the moment.

Quite the day. Quite the conclusion to an incredible and incredibly unexpected experience. From here, I’m gonna take what I learned from these last 3 weeks and 3 days and hopefully, I’ll be able to use it to help make me a better person.

As y’all know, that’s my focus now. Becoming. Becoming the best man I can be, both for myself and for the world as a whole. I am going to dedicate a solid chunk of my life in a focused effort to overcome those things that hold me back from who I want to be.

I know I’ve already been doing that, but these things that I’m going to be focusing on are a lot more… significant to me than the ones I’ve been keeping track of on a daily basis. I’ll still keep track of those, but an upgrade of heart is what I’m looking for most, not just a change of habits like most of the things I’ve been keeping track of so far are.

So… I’ve posted that preliminary list, and I’m probably going to create a plan-of-action post for each one of those things on the list, to help me work on and overcome it. Some of the items on my list may take me a lifetime to master, such as overcoming fear. Some might take only a matter of weeks to get in the habit of (such as keeping my surroundings clean), like the no premeditated swearing, writing in my journal every day, etc.

Anyway, onward. No more floating. No more wasting my short life. I’m going to become the best person I can be. And I’m going to give everything I have to that. No excuses. Determination. Discipline. Dedication to the process (as it will be quite the process).

So… there you go. 😊

As far as the rest of the day went, I slept in, did church at Liz’s house with the family up there, and I ate lunch with them as well. I also spent quite while, multiple times today, playing their grand piano. I love playing a real grand piano. My keyboard is pretty great as well… but nothing takes the place of the real thing… it’s just so… full. I love it.

I spent some time figuring out why Liz’s lawnmower wouldn’t start. I checked a bunch of things, spent a good while on it, only to realize the battery was bad. 🙃

I checked the voltage but didn’t check the cranking amps. Voltage was great, and the symptom (starter solenoid flipping out) didn’t seem like a battery problem. I didn’t even think to check cranking amps.

Oops.

I’ve got to remember to do those little things. Would have saved me an hour or two. 🙃

Let’s see… What else? I did a whole lot of praying today, trying to be ready for the hard goodbye that I knew was coming. I was pretty candid with God, just laying out who I am and what I needed from him, while at the same time, letting go. It was a good experience. It’s been challenging to trust again, but the experiences of the last three weeks… are hard to ignore, especially when placed alongside those of the last 12 years for me, and that’s what’s brought me to where I am today.

Onward.

#1. I’m grateful, again, that the ugly feeling from the other night was not there tonight. That was one of the things I prayed for, and call it an answer to prayers, or grace from the universe, or whatever you want to call it, it was absent, and I was able to have my heart be fully present tonight.

#2. I’m grateful that there is a grand piano here and that Liz lets me play it.

#3. I’m grateful that I’m still able to eat. I’ve done decently well, and I think last I weighed myself, I’d gotten up to 169, having gained two pounds from the low I was just a few days ago. I’ll tell you again, it’s weird to look into the mirror right now, my face so skinny. And still, every time I put my hand on my stomach it’s like… whoah… where’d it go!?!?

#4. I’m grateful for my mom. There’s not really anything she’s able to do for me with this whole experience, but she’s always there for me, and she’s an angel.

#5. I found out today that the owner of the car that kicked my tail yesterday was able to figure out the car and get it fixed today (he used to be a mechanic himself). It turned out to be a relatively simple issue, but a rare one that I didn’t think to check, both because of how rare it is, it’s hard to remember, and also because the symptoms didn’t fit that, especially the owner being able to get the car started by smacking on the starter… Anyway, not only did they get it figured out, but when I offered to refund my labor charge (almost $250) they declined my offer and told me to go ahead and keep it. That was super cool of them.

#6. I’m grateful for my dear friend. I’m grateful for her strength, for her wisdom, for her courage, for her compassion, for her love. She has also been an angel to me, and our interactions over the last three weeks and three days have easily been the highlight of my year–the highlight of my last many years, honestly. I will miss her more than words can tell.

#1. I want to work at making sure I’m checking the simple things that can be tested quickly (last night’s issue was a ground issue that would have taken 5 minutes to check, had I thought about it, and today’s battery issue would have taken all of 2 minutes to check had I just used my battery tester instead of just my multimeter. 🙃

#2. I want to be better at picking up after myself. Still struggling a good bit with that.

#3. I still need to be better at getting to bed. It’s going to be better tonight, as it’s just now about to turn midnight, but yeah… I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago.

We’re getting there. Little by little.

Well, folks, I feel a little like I’m starting a new chapter in my life right now. Even though most of my life is still the same as it was, I’m not. And so… it’s a new chapter. I’m excited to see how the story goes, and who the main character in my book becomes as the pages turn.

Good night, all you wonderful people. I hope you have beautiful dreams, both awake and while sleeping.

Lift the World.

~ stephen