2020-07-29 — Bring. It. On.

Hello, my Lovelies!

Happy Day!

I hope you all had a beautiful Wednesday, filled with love and peace and light and energy and passion and… well, I hope lots of good things for you. 😊

It’s been a great day over in my chigger-infested neck of the woods. I started off with a bit of a face palm, but I’ve ended strongly, so… we’ll take it!

First, the face palm. So… I was strong enough to set my alarm for 6:30. Kudos to me. 🥳Getting up at 6:30 was a different story. I… uh… well, I… got up at 7:30 instead. Oops. 🙃 Since I’d already done most of my scheduling last night, I still had time to do a bit of my morning study/prayer/meditation stuff, so that was good, but I didn’t quite begin what I’d hoped, which was my early, quiet, the-world-is-still-at-rest time to myself and my thoughts and life and God and all that.

Still, it felt so good not to be frantic this morning.

At least not early on.

I started to feel a bit of pressure as I worked to finish up something I promised my last customer from yesterday. It took a good while, and I ended up quite a bit later to my first job than I’d anticipated because of it.

Fortunately, the people at my first job were super cool about it, and I got them taken care of nonetheless. I did have a bit of a run in with trying to keep my thoughts where I’d like to keep them, as a not unattractive woman was outside the house when I got there and was… well, obviously missing some underwear under her clothes. I want complete mastery of my thoughts, and, well… I had my ups and downs with that encounter. 🙃

But, I survived that okay, got the job done for them, and moseyed on through the rest of the day. I rescued some people with a work truck they couldn’t get the spare tire down from, and I helped a couple that had a misfire in their Expedition. I couldn’t re-create the problem, but I was able to put them on track, I think, to being able to solve the issue for themselves when it happens again, so that’s good.

Then, and you’ll be proud of me, even though there was another job I could have done, I went home–at 5:00!!!

Wahoo! 🥳

That’s where the good stuff happened. I did my five minutes a day in each of the four maintenance areas I’m working on right now–five minutes cleaning the house, five minutes maintaining the yard, five minutes cleaning/maintaining the garage (and the driveway by extension in my case), and five minutes tidying up my room.

So I got all four of those taken care of, which was good. The front yard is now free of piles of weeds and grass clippings, the driveway by the garage is now cleaner than it was, the kitchen, living room, and celestial room now actually feel like someone cared, and my room… well, it’s still a disaster, but it’s better than it was. 😁

I also worked a little bit on the trail… that was this morning though… I think? It’s a blur right now. Not much in the way of exercise, but it was something (raking up rocks, so there’s a decently smooth trail to walk on.

That’s not even the good stuff still… So… I’d chatted with a friend of mine from Utah via text earlier today about maybe having him join me in my becoming quest… he’s been a super good friend of mine pretty much since I met him, I think. And when he finished work today, he gave me a call, and we talked for about an hour and a half, and we’re both pumped up. Yep, I’m excited. I don’t know exactly how it’s going to look, but we’re basically just going to encourage each other, probably have daily text conversations about what we’re working on, how it’s going, etc–facing challenges. Growing.

It’s been my experience that so much of the real growth occurs when I’m stretched. When things aren’t comfortable. When things are hard. When things are painful. It doesn’t always have to be that way, but that’s been my experience more often than not, I think. So… I expect lots of challenges up ahead. Big ones. I expect to be up and down. I expect to be exhilarated and devastated. I expect joys and pains. I expect love, sadness, grief, fear–all sorts of emotions, and quite likely, the full spectrum of each.

It’s gonna be quite the ride, and I’m excited to have my friend along with me for it.

Bring. It. On.

I find myself looking at that phrase–my motto for so many years. I lived by it and lived by it and lived by it. What came from it were the most-challenging years of my life. The last two years things got so hard that I stopped living by that motto. I was devastated and broken to pieces. But…

Bring it on.

There is one thing that I want more than anything else right now, and that’s to trust God 100%, without hesitation, without reservation. For the last two years, I haven’t. I tried to trust Him for many many many years, I gave everything I knew how to give. I was actually happiest in my life when I was living that way. But then some things happened, and I started to give in to fear, and I stopped trusting.

A month ago, right when I’d basically said to God, “If you’re even out there, I’ve done all I can do. I’ve got nothing left, and you and I both know it. If anything is gonna happen from here, it’s your move.”

And then… that very night… after years… my life changed. Experiences that I’d had that I no longer trusted in were confirmed true by sources outside myself in ways that were… miraculous to say the least. It was incredible.

Still, even with that, I struggle to trust right now. I’ve been like the little boy reaching out to the dog, afraid I’m going to get bitten. But if I take a step back, it really is pretty amazing what has happened. Though I’m still afraid to fully trust, I can’t deny it. I couldn’t fully deny it even when I’d walked away from my faith for nearly two years.

But… these things that have happened… I can’t ignore, and now… I want to trust. I want to trust like I used to. And then I want to trust even more than that. I want to trust perfectly.

I want that.

I realized today that this has become my number 1 goal. It’s not overcoming my fear of never getting married. That will melt away on its own as I really get to know God again and trust in Him. All my fears will melt away.

Let go, and let God.

Anyway, I’m excited. I’m gonna push myself to my limits. I’m gonna stretch myself. I’m gonna place myself in the path of the things that challenge me, and I’m gonna practice overcoming.

Another thing that I felt like I learned today, something I didn’t think about until it came out of my mouth while I was talking with my friend from Utah. I’m going to push myself only as far as I can still be kind to myself when I fall. If I push myself harder than I’m able to be kind to myself during my failures, then damage to self will likely be the result. So… if I can’t be kind to myself when I fall, I’m gonna back off to whatever point I can be kind to myself.

#1. I’m grateful that I was able to finish the day early and focus on other things instead of just work, work, work.

#2. I’m grateful that my own growth is now allowing me to be a help to others. One of the things I mentioned not too long ago was that I felt that as I became a better person myself, I’d have more to offer in my efforts to lift the world, and today was a perfect example. I have another friend, one here in Arkansas, who’s going through a really hard time right now, and I’m able to be there for him right now in ways that I couldn’t be even a month ago.

#3. I’m grateful for the conversation I had with my Utah friend. It was awesome. It was motivating. It was inspiring, and I’m excited to move forward.

#4. I’m grateful for the progress I’m making in the little things–the keeping my surroundings clean, taking care of my body better, etc.

#5. I’m grateful to just… be happier!

#6. I’m grateful that though it was harder today to let the negative sentiments float away on the wind (I had a bit of fear for my future this morning) I’m still having a great day today. Yes, it was harder in the morning, but I’m doing just fine right now.

Things to do better…

#1. I do want to get better control of my thoughts, like in that experience this morning. I did okay, but there’s definitely room for improvement.

#2. I want to get up on time. 6:30 it is. Part of what’s going to be hard is that I’ve run myself so hard for so long on so little sleep that my body is accustomed to less sleep. I’m not sure what to do about that. I think I actually need less now, so I’m going to need to figure out what I need because I wasn’t that tired when I went to bed last night, and I think I was a little restless. I’m gonna see how I do with 8 hours a night, which is an absolutely massive amount compared to what I’ve been getting.

Well, folks, today makes four months to the day that I started my daily journal. 123 journal entries. My life has changed drastically since starting this journal/blog.

I’m grateful.

Each one of you, seen and unseen, has been a part of this journey. Thank you, for being a part of it. I appreciate it.

Loves and hugs to all you wonderful people out there.

Lift the World.

~ stephen

p.s. It’s 10:44 p.m. Wahoo! 🥳