Hey y’all,
Rough day today. Pretty much right at 5 months, I relapsed in porn. Man, I was doing so well. I wasn’t wanting any. I didn’t even really see it coming tonight. I was trying to do good things. I was listening to gospel stuff up until like 20 minutes before. Then I started writing in my journal. I don’t know how I got away from that and on to porn.
Ugh.
It hasn’t even really sunk in yet. Five months, thrown away. Gone. Nearly half a year. Starting over. Being free of this isn’t something I’m trying to do for someone else. I’m trying to do this for me, and I still can’t. Obviously, I’ve done a lot better lately, but it is gonna be pretty devastating, I think, when I wake up tomorrow.
There are plenty of things I’m sure I can point to, plenty of areas where I dropped the ball. I didn’t do my dailies this morning. I was so low on sleep, so I slept in, which set the stage for me scrambling working a very long, long day. from 7:30 a.m. until past 10 tonight.
I mowed most of the lawn when I got home, not stopping until around 12:30 or 1:00, I think. I listened to talks. I was uplifted and inspired. I came in, cut my hair, shaved, showered, ate dinner, and went to write in my journal. And then… boom.
Why?
I don’t understand.
Discouraged.
Will I ever just be permanently free of this crap?
Lift the World 
Hola, Stephen,
Well, home run stats aren’t erased just because a batter misses. Part of a practice in life – practice as in the path one chooses to walk – is the *inevitability* of transient failures. These transient failures don’t define our practice or us. At all. Period. It’s a measure of how powerful the practice is. And a measure of what it means to be human. So, consider yourself reborn 5 months ago and one relapse – that’s an outstanding practice. I wish I my stats were a fraction so stellar at responding with a positive rather than critical approach to events that transpire around me. BUT since I’m in it for the path I’m choosing, and not how slow or fast my personal growth is, it doesn’t matter in the larger scheme of things how many “failures” take place. My heart at the destination and my feet seeking and re-seeking the path are what count. And, you had it exactly right that we’re most vulnerable to transient “misses” at the bat when we’re run ragged. Do yourself a favor and don’t dwell on it more than you already have. Simple analyzing how it happened is part of the practice. Define yourself by your path and practice AND your humanity – not by those moments in time that reflect neither your heart, nor your destination.
Sending love and hugs. 🙂
And more love and smiles! 🙂
Beautiful, Heather! Well said.