Hiya, folks,
It’s been a really hard day today. I don’t now why it’s been affecting me so much, but I’ve been really scared about what’s going on with my finger. It’s just messed up, and I don’t know what’s going on. I’d thought that I just needed to wait for the gash to heal, and then maybe rehab it a bit because it would be stiff, and the skin would be tight, but no…. something seems to be really wrong.
And so many things have been weighing on me today, that it’s honestly been super overwhelming–super overwhelming to have it all going on at once. I talked to an accountant today trying to get off top dead center with the whole tax mess that I’m over my head in. I was researching hand surgeons and made an appointment with one up in Springfield, MO because Arkansas doctors… ugh. I don’t have much luck here, and I’ve done well up in Missouri.
Work has been stressful because things have really slowed down a whole ton, and I’ve got this second mechanic who seems like he could work well, and I finally find another guy (though there are logistical challenges), and now we’re slowing down a lot. That’s all stressful right now. And today I spent a gazillion dollars on stuff for vehicles only to have pretty much all the jobs they were for get canceled because it was a company that had like 10 trucks, but there was some disease outbreak that could be passed along via truck tires, and so they didn’t want us working on the vehicles today. So… that happened.
And there’s the ongoing saga of my personal life, my singleness and everything that goes along with that backstory and front story, and I’m struggling there. And and and and and. And I’m forgetting one really big thing I think, but my brain is so overloaded that I can’t even think of it. I’ve been like that much of the day, so overwhelmed, discouraged, and afraid that I’m not able to have my head on straight. That happens when so much is going on and one thing hits hard. The dominos fall, and I can flounder. I guess that’s what happens when I invite God/the universe to bring it on.
It’s brought on.
Anyway, there have been some pretty positive things happen today, so I’m gonna focus on those. One is that in an effort to find more strength to kick porn from my life for good, I’ve started watching interviews with ex porn stars and porn producers and whatnot, hearing their stories about their lives, what the industry is like in general, what their experiences were, etc.
I’ve been hoping that if I can invoke the compassionate heart within me and brand those stories and the reality of the industry on my mind and heart, that my love and concern and compassion for people will help me stop participating in/encouraging/uplifting such a damaging industry… I don’t know what the right word is, but yeah… It’s helped increase the compassion bone to watch the documentaries on animals, and though food isn’t an addiction for me, in fact it’s probably just the opposite (I look at food as a necessary evil), hopefully, I’ll be able to gain a bit of strength from these efforts, and hopefully, that strength will help me love people enough to finally let go of the selfishness in this area of my life and have love take over.
So… that’s been a positive.
On that note…
#1. I’m grateful for the people who’ve dedicated their lives and their time to the millions and millions of us who struggle with pornography addiction.
#2. I’m grateful that I was able to figure out the car tonight. A lady called with a car that wouldn’t start, concerns about a leak, and whatnot, and I got out there, and everything was pointing to a faulty fuel pump. It would crank but wouldn’t start, and it would start with brake cleaner sprayed in the intake, but not without it. But the biggest blessing happened when I was reading through what other mechanics had posted about the same issue with that particular car on the service I pay for, and one of them mentioned that the fuel gauge read an 1/8th of a tank, but it was empty. I had looked at the fuel gauge, and it was an 1/8th of a tank or so, so I put in three gallons of gas, and bada bing bada boom, it fired up and was good to go. So, I’m grateful for that service I subscribe to because everything was pointing to either a bad fuel pump or bad fuel pump control module.
#3. I’m grateful that I had gas with me from having worked on that motorhome prior to that Focus and having siphoned several gallons of gas out of the tank, so I could move it. So… that worked out perfectly. I had gas cans with me. I had gas with me. Boom. Fixed.
#4. I’m grateful that we have a furnace that works, and I haven’t had to be chopping wood or starting fires, etc. I miss the fires. They’re cozy and relaxing, but they’re a ton of work.
#5. I’m grateful that it’s 8:58 right now, and though I’m late again, it’s orders of magnitude less late than it’s been recently. So… I’m off to bed now, after getting a drink and brushing my teeth, and there you go. Cross your fingers I’ll get some sleep and will be able to get up in the morning and get back in my groove.
Thought of the Day: “The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Sending prayers your way, brother… 🙂