The Sunday blues started early and were quite heavy this morning. They are this evening as well as I write this. I managed to keep them at bay during the day by just keeping busy.
I’m lonely. I long for a companion.
I’ve let fear creep in pretty good, and I’m struggling.
It’s really hard right now, honestly.
I know I just need to face outward like I mentioned the other day, but I’m failing in that today. I’m self absorbed and afraid. Holidays… reunions… they’re hard. Nieces and nephews getting married. Babies being born. And here I am… 39 now… and… still alone.
One of, if not the single biggest fear of my life playing out as my daily reality.
It’s awkward, too, …probably just for me though. I doubt people spend time thinking about it (my being single still). I’d guess it’s mostly a passing thought here and there if we bump into each other.
It’s so much to me, though. So much.
But the path I’m on could leave me that way (single) for… well… possibly permanently. Granted, I could leave the path at any time. It’s my choice to be here, but I wouldn’t have integrity within myself if I did. I’m doing the best I know how according to what I of myself believe is right.
Even when I was alternating between not believing in God and ripping him a new one with all the hate and vitriol I could muster, I never could fully let go of the path I felt he directed me down years ago, a path that was solidified over and over again by my most powerful personal spiritual experiences.
And so here I am. I don’t date. I feel like I’m not supposed to at this time. So… I’m… not available. This, I don’t go looking, and if others express interest in me, I… shut it down. I can’t really explain to you all why. It’s the path I’m on, and it’s… something I’ve felt I’m not supposed to talk about, so I don’t give details. And I don’t have a known end date to this path. That’s where the fear comes from. Uncertainty. With one of the things I wanted most for my life hanging in the balance and going seemingly nowhere.
Even right now I wonder if I should share this. Part of me says it would be better to just not tell people what’s hard for me, that somehow there’s less strength in it, that it would be better to just hide that from the world and let it be one of the silent battles of my own soul, that somehow, there’s more honor in carrying it without telling people I’m carrying it.
I’m not sure what to think about that.
Anyway… so… yeah…
Moving on…
Feeling down this morning, I went to watch some uplifting YouTube videos, but found myself bumping up against video thumbnails of beautiful immodestly dressed (to my personal standards) women. It was super triggering with the down state I was already in. Fortunately, I managed to text my friend Cory and also tell my mom, getting it out there in the open. And gratefully, I’m still clean and sober as I write this.
Two weeks now.
Never again. Never ever ever again. I sooooooo hope I can beat this once and for all.
Anyway, I realized I can’t just go to YouTube looking for uplifting stuff. I have to search it first and then link to it from outside YouTube.
I spent my day in the woods, working on trails, rescuing my nephew who was trying to put up a metal storage shed and got hammered by the wind. Fortunately, I got there in time to help him get it more solidly together before it got blown apart.
I used my ax to down a handful of trees (that’s exhausting work, by the way).
Then I shaved my “beard” into a goatee, took a long hot shower, and here I am. It’s now 8:59. I’m a little late for bed, but only a little. 4:55 or bust!
#1. I’m really grateful to be clean and sober. Rough day. Didn’t make the best choices for how I spent my day today, so I’m all the more grateful to be clean still.
#2. I’m grateful to be close to being in bed on time. I’m so hoping that I have the strength to get up at 4:55 like I want to tomorrow.
#3. I’m grateful to have been able to be there for my nephew today.
#4. I’m grateful to have support people to help me when things get hard with the porn crap.
#5. I’m grateful for headphones that allow me to listen to things while doing things that are loud or while in the presence of other people without bothering them.
Thought of the Day: “Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can’t buy more hours. Scientists can’t invent new minutes. And you can’t save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you’ve wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow.” ~Denis Waitley
Thanks, for reading. Hope y’all have a beautiful evening and peaceful dreams. Loves and hugs.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Love you, Stephen.
You may not want to hear this, Stephen, but if you wait until you’re “perfect” for a spouse, you never will be. It’s as bad a fallacy as searching for a “perfect” partner. A partner can help us grow, as we help our partners grow. That’s the BEST part of life. Not to be perfect FOR someone, but to be human together. Maybe the reason why you don’t want a partner in your life is you’re afraid they won’t accept you for you, flaws and all. Would you accept your partner, flaws and all? Of course! So get over the need to be perfect and find someone you can laugh with, cry with and be honest with. That’s the best any of us can offer. Or you biggest fear is something you are self-fulfilling by not wanting to show your humanity to someone else. If I’m off-base, ignore this. I love you.
Thanks, for your love and concern. 🙂 My waiting to be perfect or not wanting to show my humanity isn’t what this is about. Certainly, I don’t want to be a source of pain for her, but as much as I want that, I know I will be at times, and I accept that. And I feel like I’m pretty open about my humanity. I’m not letting that get in the way either. It would be much easier if it were just those things. Thanks, for your encouragement, though. 🙂
Big hugs, Stephen! I’m sorry if I read the situation wrong. Without the box lid, it’s hard to know the image on the puzzle! I do know, from long personal experience, that internal mental anguish and pain is self-inflicted. It can begin from an external source, but our minds, for whatever reason, cling to the pain, or enlarge it to validate the size of the hurt, sometimes even make our lives a shrine around the pain. And the brain becomes physically addicted to the anguish we put ourselves through. Our synapses form a deeper and deeper groove, harder to break. But completely breakable. It takes a major shift. But the relief and lightness and joy of life is amazing once we choose to let go. Recognize the switches and flip them off. Choose beauty for ourselves. There’s still bad, hard, annoying, scary stuff, but you don’t let it own you anymore. There’s a new thought pattern therapy called Cognitive Processing Therapy that can be a useful tool in retraining the brain for those suffering PTSD or other debilitating mental cycles. I listened to a few case studies on a podcast, so I’m not an expert, but it seems like a great option for people in need of healing. Might belong to a different puzzle, but it might line up with the one you’re working on. Cheers!
Thanks, Tish. For me, it’s just coming to terms with and accepting the possibility that I might be alone the rest of my life. Once I accept that, truly to my core, and not just here and there during tough days, I’ll be ok. It’s just hard to be completely ok with not having something I want so much. Hard to explain how much having a companion means to me. But I’m almost 40. I’ve made it this far. If that turns out to be a reality, I’ll make it, especially if I can get myself life service. And yes, I recognize is hard without the puzzle picture. 🙃