2021-01-24 — Getting Up

Hi, folks,

One of the challenges for me in writing this daily journal is the recurring discouragement of sharing where I’m at, the struggles I’m going through, and the sense, be it accurate or not, that some of my readers are frustrated with my inability to overcome some of my personal issues.

It’s hard to write each day, honestly.

It’s hard to face the fact that I’ve relapsed each of the last three days since I let David go. That first relapse… I was just so overwhelmed I think, that I stayed up just about all night with that insidious porn crap. I’d already begun the slide into porn (not having looked yet, but knowing myself well enough that I’d already entered the slip ‘n slide, and was careening toward disaster, when I thought I had a breakthrough. In the middle of the slide, I was able to reach out and ask for help.

I’d finally done it. I’d finally managed to beat it after already in the slide to oblivion!

Or so I thought. The person I’d texted had gone to bed early that night, and in my messed up state, I didn’t think to text anyone else. It was sort my victory. I thought I’d finally done it. I thought I’d finally, for once, managed to arrest the slide, mid slide.

But… the person was asleep, and instead of thinking about texting someone else, I continued sliding. It was too late. I’d won… but… no… I lost.

It was positive progress, in one way of looking at it. But in the end, it was the same old same old. Another relapse.

Three days in a row now.

I’m in freefall, but… I’m still fighting. I’m sorry to all of you out there who support me. I imagine it could be rather frustrating to read about my continual failure to make the changes in my life that one would think wouldn’t be that challenging–refraining from overloading myself at work, choosing not to bury myself with a million things, even if non-work related, finally letting porn go for good. Getting to bed at my desired hour. Getting up and doing my dailies that I’ve struggled to do ever since making exceptions that I truly thought were right to make.

And maybe they were. I don’t know.

It was nice to rest a bit today, though it wasn’t much of a rest. I met David today to sort of finalize everything giving him his jack stand back and him giving me a mountain of things. Then I had that nightmare pump job lady ask about the fuel level in her truck, and I panicked a bit because I had no memory of putting the fuel level sensor on the truck, and I was having visions of having to go back to that… truck… and re-do the entire job, so I pulled everything out of the Durango searching for the sensor… but… no dice. It wasn’t there.

I began to have faint memories of putting it on around midnight in the Bentonville AutoZone parking lot. I think I did put it on. I hope so.

You know… I’m gonna do the thought of the day right here because… it’s on my mind and is what I’m going to write about…

Thought of the Day: “Those of us who fall short, in one way or another, often do so because we carry such unnecessary and heavy baggage. Being thus overloaded, we sometimes stumble and then feel sorry for ourselves. We need not carry such baggage. However, when we’re not meek, we resist the informing voice of conscience and feedback from family, leaders, and friends. Whether from preoccupation or pride, the warning signals go unnoticed or unheeded. However, if sufficient meekness is in us, it will not only help us to jettison unneeded burdens, but will also keep us from becoming mired in the ooze of self-pity.”

“…we carry such unnecessary and heavy baggage.”

Here’s a dilemma I struggle with. I’m absolutely driven to overcome my personal faults/weaknesses/struggles/pride, etc. I look at my inability to handle it well much of the time when outward circumstances seem to swallow me up, for example, when I have a gazillion waiting customers, and I’m feeling massive pressures with deadlines and all sorts of things.

I want to be the kind of person who can handle having mountains of demands on my time and abilities and just roll with it, just maintain the attitude of, “I will spend a reasonable and healthy amount of time trying to serve you, and I will do the very best that I can do for you during that time, but once we start going beyond what is reasonable and healthy, I’m going to reschedule for another time.”

Something like that anyway.

One of the thoughts that I used to say is this: “There’s always time for what’s best.”

So… I want to learn how to consistently be that person, to not feel overwhelmed, even with mountains of demands and pressure and consequences hanging over me.

I also want to be the kind of person who doesn’t get myself into those situations by promising the stars and only delivering the moon or the sky.

I want to be the kind of person who chooses to find joy in everything he does, including mechanic work.

I want to move on from mechanic work, but I haven’t learned the above, and part of me feels like I haven’t yet taken advantage of the opportunities I have right now, and if I cut and run before learning them, and I head toward things I want to do, I’m afraid I’ll have lost priceless opportunities.

Our culture seems to me to be teaching us that we’ve grown when we learn how to avoid situations that are hard or uncomfortable for us. But… it’s a sham. We’re not stronger. We’re just not having to face the challenges, so we don’t see our weakness. But rest assured, caught off guard or in similar situations we’re unprepared for, those weaknesses will be alive and well.

And that’s what I’m afraid of. I’m able to leave my business, hang it all up. I can do that. And you know what? I’ll probably be a lot less stressed. I’ll probably be much better able to keep my routine. I’ll probably be happier.

But… it won’t be because I’ve grown. I’ll be because I’m not constantly being pushed to my breaking point day in and day out. I’d basically be on vacation.

But I can’t tell… Am I capable of handling this well right now, or is it beyond my current ability? If I’m capable, then I don’t want to cut and run. I want to learn the lessons. I want to learn to let go of stress and accept that I can’t please everyone, the sky isn’t falling, and even if it does, all I can do is be a good person and give a worthy balanced effort and let the chips fall where they will.

But if I’m not capable, then I’m dragging myself through a hell that I don’t currently have the capacity to overcome.

But which is it?

This is my dilemma. Stay with mechanics until I learn those lessons, and the part of my heart that wants to become all that I can be, or leave and follow the part of my heart that wants to spend all day every day in humanitarian-type service, like Jesus, Mother Teresa, etc…, the type of service that makes my heart sing.

I’m not getting younger. I’m nearing the halfway point of my life. Carman men, historically, barely make it to their 80s. I think they usually die at 80… 81? So… I’m pretty much halfway there having led a life that in many ways, to me personally, feels like a waste of the potential that I have.

(sigh)

The debate… do I stay and try to overcome these great weaknesses for the sake of overcoming and growing, or do I go do what I want to do and hope that I find myself facing the same challenges so that I can grow in those ways?

I don’t know the answer yet. There is great appeal to hanging up my wrenches and moving into toward humanitarian/peace work.

Pondering…

Loves and hugs.

Lift the World.

~ stephen