2021-02-01 — Try Try Again

Hey folks, I went to bed at a decent hour last night, but I couldn’t fall asleep to save my life. I was so tired, and then… just when I went to bed, my brain woke up, and I just… couldn’t sleep. I ended up sleeping in again because I don’t think I fell asleep until well after midnight? I don’t remember for sure. So… try try again?

Anyway, I was worn out today and burned out today. I can’t even explain how much that customer not paying me the other night just broke me. Funny thing… he texted today. Said he’s gonna pay me but is gonna wait until this Friday to do it. Here’s hoping. Supposedly, he had his car broken into, wallet, phone, and credit cards stolen. That totally sucks. It’s hard to hope that to be true, because then that means there’s someone else out there doing those awful things, but… it is what it is.

Anyway, I was really tired and worn out, so I was dragging all day, just sort of going slowly.

I haven’t had much patience. Almost none.

In a lot of ways, I’ve reverted to where I was last spring, angry, having melt downs, losing my trust in god…

Yeah… I’m just a few steps away from where I was last spring.

I’ve crashed hard.

It’s mostly related to one particular circumstance of my life that… I can’t really talk about. But it’s continually breaking me. It would be easy to say that it’s just the working too hard, the taking too much on with my business that’s doing this. That certainly doesn’t help, but it’s the other, I think, that’s really the underlying driver. It’s just always there. It’s like a battering ram at my gates that never stops.

Ever.

And the business stress just piles on top of that.

And then there’s the porn addiction crap. That’s killing me, too. I’m able to beat so many things. It’s been almost a years since I’ve had candy, junk food, etc. I’ve kept sports news at a distance since then, too. Super hard, but I’ve done it. And it’s been so good. I’ve managed to not have premeditated curses with only a handful fliers here and there, even when I’m melting down I’m able to control myself enough to not swear.

Why can’t I beat this stupid porn crap? 35 years of it. Why?

Anyway, I’m feeling better than this probably sounds like. I’m just… this is just… sort of matter of fact, is what it is kind of a feeling right now. Today’s been okay. Not great, not awful. First job I figured I wasn’t going to be able to figure out, and so I gave myself an hour, and called it at an hour and bowed out without charging. As long as I continue being a mechanic, I’m gonna start doing that as a policy. If it’s looking like I’m getting myself into something that’s going to take hours just to diagnose, I’m out. I’ll bow out, charge nothing, wash my hands of it, and move on. I don’t need those kinds of jobs sucking up my days and what little sanity I have right now.

So… yeah… bowed out of that first one, managed, after a bit of melting down, to figure out the next car and get it going. Then took care of the next one, which was a piece of cake, then the next one, which was pretty frustrating with a couple parts of it, but fine for the rest of it, and then the last one, I got it going pretty quickly. Someone had broken off the alternator connector. I’m not even sure how that could happen. Super weird, but I got them temporarily fixed, and they’re gonna decide what to do from there.

Then I rescued Thomas, who had a flat tire, and the wheel had welded itself to the hub with the oxidation. Tip for any of you out there if you are trying to take a wheel off and after getting the lug nuts off, the wheel is still stuck to the hub. #1. Give it some pretty stiff kicks from the outside (sitting on your but, hands behind you for leverage, kick the outside of the tire for maximum pressure). If that doesn’t work, #2, crawl under the car (only with the car securely on a jack stand, not just on a jack), and kick it the same way but kicking out from underneath. If that doesn’t work, #3. put the lug nuts back on, but super loose. Leave about 1/8th of an inch between the end of the lug nut and the start of the rim, then put the car back down on the ground, and back it up and go forward an backward, and allow the weight of the car to bust the weld. Then jack it back up, and you’re good. If even that doesn’t work, leave the lug nuts on the same way, and find something to bump the wheel against, a parking spot bump stop, a curb, etc. #3 should work pretty much every time, but if for some crazy reason it doesn’t, #4 will do it.

Anyway, tips for you if you aren’t already familiar with them.

Okay, 9:48. Time for bed. I made some progress today in some things. Still struggling significantly in others.

#1. I’m grateful I chose to make today a lighter day when I easily could have chosen to work until the wee hours.

#2. I’m grateful that the job I did for Phil didn’t need as much as I’d thought. That was nice.

#3. I’m grateful that I was able to get a bit more organized. I’m redoing my lists to help me get better organized and be more efficient.

#4. I’m grateful to be okay with making less money.

#5. I’m grateful that I was able to get the 1099 NEC stuff mailed out today. At least that’s off my plate now.

Thought of the Day: “The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.” ~ Julien Green

Lift the World.

~ stephen