2021-02-02 — Well, At Least I Got It

My first job should have been probably about 2 1/2 hours. It took… 8 ish.

😶

And I did get pretty frustrated at one point, but I didn’t have a total meltdown. So… that’s something. And, at least I got it done. There was a point where I’d come to the tentative conclusion that I wasn’t going to be able to finish the job.

I was replacing the fuel pump in a 2001 Mercury Grand Marquis (with only 24k original miles on it, incidentally). And Ford, for whatever reason, when they bolt the tank strap studs on at the factory, cut off the ends of the bolts. Tank straps can be an absolute bear even with full-length studs, let alone stubby studs.

Stubby studs.

I like that.

Anyway, I spent… probably hours just trying to get one nut on one stud because try as I might, I couldn’t get the strap on enough to begin threading the nut. I tried everything I could think of. Finally, after… however long… I figured out that part of the problem was that the stud was being sucked up into the innards of the car, as if it were spring loaded. So I grabbed my pick tool in one hand, fed it through the frame so it came out on top of the stud, and pushed down with that tool on the stud, while my other hand had maybe a two-foot extension with the nut in it in order to reach where it needed to go, and I pushed as hard as I could upwards while trying to twist the extension chain at the same time, all while pushing down on the stud with my pick tool through the frame with my other hand.

It worked.

Finally. It’s one of those things where if you know the intricacy of the job, you can do it probably in 5-10 minutes, but nobody anywhere mentioned anything about being able to do it that way. Some people talked about welding on extensions, etc. It was pretty… nutty.

But… I got it done, and my diagnosis was correct after plenty of concerns there and some apprehension from that other Ford fuel pump issue that didn’t end up being the pump.

Anyway… so that was the first job… started around 9:30 ish and finished after 5. 😬

Yeah… ouch. So much for all the other jobs I needed to do. Had to tell who knows how many people I was too busy. Guess that’s a good thing, though. I didn’t say yes.

So it was a long, hard day, but I was better than I had been. Or maybe I was just… different. I’ve felt a bit numb to the world today. Even when things were going really badly, yes, I was frustrated and angry for a bit, but not full melt down, and I’m just so emotionally drained that the only thing I really feel is lonely.

I’m really lonely.

It probably wouldn’t make much sense to a lot of people, given my porn addiction issues, but sex is barely a blip on the importance meter for me when I think about what I long for. What do I really want? I want someone I can give my whole soul to, someone I can treat like a queen, someone for whom I can go out of my way day after day to help feel loved and cared about and special. That’s the hunger I have had for decades that I can’t feed. I haven’t had someone like that since… Janelle… in college. I have no one I can give my everything to. I can give most of me to everyone else, but I have no one I can give my whole me to. And I have no one I can just melt together with, just holding each other, through challenges and the triumphs of the day.

I long for that, too.

I’d give… everything I have.

So… yeah… other than a deep loneliness, I’ve been mostly on automatic today. Just… existing… going through the necessary motions to do what’s on the schedule. Well… no, not really even what’s on the schedule, as I haven’t been getting to everyone, but… I think you probably know what I mean.

#1. I’m grateful to have been able to get that fuel pump job done. That was a killer. The other option… I might have been able to drain the tank the rest of the way. But at least… now I know how to do it in the future. That’s something. 🙃

#2. I’m grateful for fruit. Came home and ate leftover cream of wheat (thanks, mom), and I dumped some frozen blackberries in it, which was lovely.

#3. I’m grateful that I’m able to be a bright spot for customers. It’s nice to hear customers tell me that they’ll only take their cars to me, that they trust me, etc. I appreciate that. I work hard for them.

#4. I’m grateful to have the Durango fairly organized. Makes it so much easier to get things figured out.

#5. I’m grateful that my chainsaw gloves came again. They’re still a little big, but I’m afraid to send them back again, not wanting to order the medium ones and also seeing a mini documentary/news report, whatever it was, about what happens to the things I send back. 😕

Thought of the Day: “Behold I do not give lectures or a little charity, When I give, I give myself. ~ Walt Whitman

Lift the World.

~ stephen