2021-04-05 — Road to Relapse

Y’all saw it coming. What else is there to say. I make these commitments, and then somehow I’m weaker than I was or all hell combines to say, “No, we’re gonna make sure you fail.” And then it just… it’s uncanny… I feel like I’m making progress. I feel like I’m getting somewhere, getting closer to where I want to be, and bam. I fall apart in everything.

I can’t seem to even get to bed on time. Yesterday, I started going to bed at 8:30. I was finally gonna do it. But then a conversation… a good one… but a long one… and then… I derailed. 1 a.m. before I got to bed.

Tonight… late from work again. I say 4 hours, max, and then somehow I don’t remember. Or I don’t really want to keep it to four hours deep down? I don’t know. But All of the sudden, it’s like I’m powerless to do what I say I want.

And tonight… I relapsed again.

2 years. They say it takes two years of being totally clean before the brain returns to normal–two years of complete abstinence before the seeming automated actions of addiction are fully replaced by a fully functioning frontal whatever of the brain that regulates/empowers our moral compass.

It’s never worth it. Never. Not once. Not ever. A brief period of pleasure followed by a lot of pain, suffering, discouragement, fear, overwhelm, dejection, devastation.

I’m remembering something, though. What did I say last time? It took two days to bounce back. I think I said next time 1 day. Then 12 hours, then 6, then 3, then one, then none… something like that. Well… it hasn’t even been one.

Can I bounce back right now? Oh, that’s hard. There’s a bit of Calvanistic masochism in me I think. I have to feel awful before I can move forward… No… “It takes exactly as long to repent as it does to say ‘I’ll chance’ and mean it. (Jeffrey R. Holland).

I really do want to stop using. I really do want to be free. Anything that I can’t choose to say no to and actually keep the commitment has me tied in chains in a prison of sorts. And this one has me still.

But I’m gonna break them. I am. Even if it takes the rest of my life. I’m gonna find a way to live up to what I want to be.

So… I’m gonna go to bed now while I’m somewhat upbeat, and I’m going to hope that doing so can arrest the spiral that so often follows. Immediate wagon re-entering. Not one day or 12 hours or 6 or 3 or even one. Immediate. Back on the wagon. Forward. Bruised and bloodied, but back on the wagon.

I’m sorry, y’all. I wish this weren’t so… pathetic to read. I wish I were strong enough to be done for good. But I’m not, and this is me. Though I’m not strong enough, today I choose to be stronger. I choose progress but choosing not to spiral, by choosing to move forward. By choosing to keep fighting, to not give up, to not let discouragement in.

Good night, all.

Lift the World.

~ stephen

~ stephen