2021-05-29 — Usable, Enjoyable 😊

Officially open for enjoyment. 😊

I spent a few hours or so today working on the trails, and though they are not done by any means, they are officially open for use and enjoyment, and I’m… excited. 😊 It was only a week or so ago that I was feeling really discouraged about the trails, concerned about erosion and maintenance and whatnot, but guess what?!?! I think it’s gonna be okay.

Of course, it’s still a sort of wait-and-see guessing game because I have no idea what is going to happen, but the trails are usable and enjoyable right now (and today was a fabulous day to enjoy them. Highs in the 60s. Soooo nice. 😊).

I spent about… what… maybe three hours? going around cutting back all the tree branches that even remotely get in the way (stuff you’d feel you need to duck under, or go to the other side of the trail to avoid). That was great. I did the whole blasted place. I also went back with the chainsaw and chopped the tree stumps that were in the way so that the stump was much closer to the ground, as flush as I could make it. I got one big tree cut out of the way that was across the trail, and an old rotted fence post and barbed wire section cut out of the way.

Wahoo! 🙂 Trails!

So… that was a good chunk of the day. I also went through all my text messages to get myself caught up on all the stuff with work that was just been dangling with me in my emotional knots for the last… while now.

It was a good day today. I put some hard things on the shelf, and when I was tempted to think about things that would drag me down (which actually wasn’t very often), I was able to not go there.

It’s sort of a miracle, actually. And I’m really grateful for that. I’m making some pretty big changes in my life right now, some of them not so visible to all y’all, but pretty huge ones nonetheless.

I had a really good conversation with Captain Universe this morning. And I spent pretty much all day filling my the airwaves and my mind waves with uplifting messages from Conferences an speeches past.

Good stuff. 😊

Folks, I’m determined. I’m determined to become what I came to this earth to become–love. And to do that, I have to get past all my selfishness, self-centeredness, all that stuff. I have to get past fear. I want to.

Over the last two days, I feel like I’ve felt a greater appreciation for the hard things in my life, the challenges. They are my great opportunities for growth, and more than anything else, I want to be love, and all of these gut wrenching experiences I’m going through… they’re the perfect opportunities for me to choose to become love.

So good. So perfect. So…

Hard.

I’m grateful for them, though, very grateful. These last nearly 12 years have been the hardest stretch of my life–fears that hit to the bone and come back again and again and again. Agonies deep, rending, and recurring. It’s been… hard for me.

But I’m here still (which the longer I live, the more I appreciate that just choosing to stay living through some of the hardest agonies is an accomplishment that can be impressive at times). And I’m still fighting. And I’m still winning that fight, as slow as the progress might look, and despite having lost seemingly innumerable battles. The war, is being won.

My friend Cory sent me this yesterday, and I like it, so I’m gonna share it:

“No Christ, know fear. Know Christ, no fear.”

I like that. 😊

#1. I just went to Amazon.com to look to see when that pin is gonna come for my skid steer, and do you know what? I saw an ad for a movie or tv show or whatever, and it had zero pull whatsoever. I’m so grateful to have my life focused back on the things of most worth, the things that really fill the soul. So grateful!

#2. I’m grateful for the gorgeous weather today. It was soooo nice to open the front door this morning, and it actually was chilly. It made it super great to work on the trails. I have my sights set on making more trails through the other side of the woods.

#3. I’m grateful for good friends that I can share my gospel excitement with–Brittani and Cory mostly. That’s so nice to have.

#4. I’m grateful for Brittani and Cory, and my mom, sisters, and readers I don’t even know who are for their continued lifting of me and my world. Checking in, sending encouraging messages, supporting me when I send out my “trigger” blasts (which… have been very few the last couple days… which is really nice).

#5. I’m grateful to be clean and sober. It’s been five days now. I’m filling my life with the best things, and that’s helping. I want to get more world lifting back into my life. Anyway…

Daily Accountability:

The Positive

1. I’ve been better at not even “chewing on fear” (shout out to Brittani who coined that after she and I did a fear fast the other day) let alone swallow it. That’s helped a good bit. It’s been really nice to not be succumbing to fear.
2. I chose to take the day off again, really slowing myself down, lots of mental health time off. It’s been really really really hard emotionally lately with that big personal battle I’ve been facing, and this time off that I’m choosing to take when the world is blowing up my phone has been good.
3. I’ve been taking better care of my nutritional and hydration needs. That’s probably in large part to the fact that I haven’t been pushing myself at work, but still, it’s positive. 🙂
4. I’ve been better at putting best things first.

The Needs Improvement

1. Though I’ve been better at putting best things first, prioritizing things properly and then acting on things in order of priority, I did choose to spend more time on the trails instead of getting the assessment done today. Monday will be my last day to get it done, but I think I have everything I need now. I’ve got my Sunday rest day tomorrow, and then I’ll dig in and get her done Monday, and I’ll submit everything on Tuesday.
2. It’s almost 11, so the bedtime thing is still a challenge. 8:30 is so… early to go to bed, but 4:25 is pretty much perfect for when to go to bed, so… it’s a sacrifice I’m gonna make. I’ll figure it out. I want to. It’s worth it, at least with my lifestyle as it currently is.

Well, my lovelies, it’s been a really good day, and I’m grateful. I’m gonna be honest, I feel like I’m getting outside help today, so thanks for the prayers and/or positive universe vibes.

Good night, my dear ones.

Lift the World.

~ stephen