2021-06-16 — Front Lines

I’m battling relapse right now. I really want to use. Badly. I didn’t want to tell anyone, but I told one friend, and she’s trying to talk me off the ledge right now, and I’m… struggling. Talk about white knuckle.

Really struggling.

Been flirting with it for a while… and finally closed the gateway stuff (the stuff that finally sucks me in).

I… really want to use right now.

(deep breathe)

I’m listening to Songs of Praise on the Gospel Library App… trying to… oh yeah… pushups… moment. Let me see if I can crank out 40… That should just about kill me… might make a difference.

Be right back…

Okay… 30.

I’m back. Hope that helps a bit.

Long day. Hard day. Did a tiny bit better today in daily stuff. Still pretty cruddy though.

Five cars, paid for two. First one was one I figured I wouldn’t be able to figure out, but she’s been a customer forever, and she was begging, so I went by and gave small go of it, but I wasn’t sure what as wrong and wasn’t about to be sucked into the abyss. Second car was putting the bolt on that one that I’d done the other day that had a bad bolt. I didn’t charge him for the bolt or the time going to the junk yard or putting the bolt on his car. Probably should have, but… that doesn’t really go over so well, and I want happy customers. He did tip me the other day, so that almost covers it. Third car… window not going up (2000 Mustang GT). I did a diag and got the window up. He needs to charge his battery because it was so dead I couldn’t do much testing. Fourth car was an AC issue, but I didn’t have the right tool for the issue he had, so I didn’t charge for going there either. Last car was a starter in 2011 BMW 328i. I did get that one, and it’s a three billable-hour job, so it wasn’t a completely bust of a day.

After that, I chatted with one of my sisters for while. Then I chatted with my hill nephew for a while about the things he’s up to on the farm here.

#1. I’m grateful I got the window regulator back together. I accidentally pulled it further apart than I was intending, and the spring came out, and I was nervous it was going to turn into a major thing, but fortunately, I was able to get it back together.

#2. I’m grateful I was able to get the starter on and done with the BMW. There were some hiccups, but it is done.

#3. I’m grateful that I was able to get the sharp part of my trailer cut off, so I won’t risk damaging my mini ex’s rubber tracks again.

#4. I’m grateful for people helping me while I’m struggling, people reaching out. Thanks, folks.

#5. I’m grateful to have been able (at least to this point) survive this onslaught tonight. Cross your fingers I’ll survive the night.

Daily Accountability:

The Positive

1. 23 days. 😬😬😬😬😬😬
2. I reached out when I was a runaway freight train, and I think I’ll make it tonight.

The Needs Improvement:

1. everything

Still drowning a good bit, like I was yesterday. Maybe a little better today.

Lift the World.

~ stephen

p.s. 1:26 a.m. relapsed. 🙁 Back to 0.