I’m writing this on my phone while lying on my back in bed.
It’s 1:03 a.m.
It’s been a rough day. A three-hour job took seven (10ish over two days, actually). I got really angry.
I’m back nearly 100% to where I was last February 2020)… no faith, quick to anger, feeling trapped, discouraged, demoralized… broken.
Ironically, in the middle of losing my trust in the path I’ve followed for well over a decade, I’m uploading stuff related to that experience to Drive.
This experience of the last 12 years has completely wrecked my life. I’ve lost so much of what I wanted most–forever. It’s been a nightmare. A hell that keeps on tormenting… with only the briefest of respites in rare moments here and there.
And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is being trapped in the hell that continues, the hell where every direction is excruciating.
Choose to walk away from the path? I’ll feel like a failure. And I don’t mean in any superficial sense. I will break… shatter. I will lose respect for myself.. I will lose confidence in myself, and I will lose it to my very core. I will spend the rest of my life feeling like I couldn’t handle, couldn’t measure up, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t strong enough to face the challenge that would lead to what I’d trusted in and hoped for. I will always wonder if I left on the table what I had sacrificed for for so many years, losing it in the end because I just couldn’t handle the requirement to get it.
But I can’t stay on the path anymore. I’ve got nothing left. I’m breaking into little pieces. I’m losing myself. I can’t handle it. I’m not strong enough anymore. I gave 12 years, and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s black as pitch.
This has ruined me. Broken me. Shattered me. Wasted the best years of my life. I gave everything I had. I sacrificed everything. And for what?
Nothing.
***Nothing***
Yes, I’m angry right now. Angry, hurt, scared…
And I can’t keep walking the path. I’ve got nothing left.
Nothing.
If there’s a god, ball be in his court.
Pops… te toca.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Hola brother,
We all go in cycles. We all want you to find peace and happiness in whatever shape that looks like for you. I hope you are able to find your way through your anger. I hope you are able to find the perspective to choose to celebrate what you have and what you can do. Grief is normal. Anger is normal. They can become a lifestyle choice if we’re not careful. I hope you are able to find your way through. Choosing to set up house in bitterness, fear, and anger would be the bigger waste and tragedy in your life. Look around. Look at all the suffering everyone else goes through. Every bit as significant as yours in every way even though it manifests in different ways. Life. Learning how to recognize that we’re not more or less than anyone else. Learning how to accept suffering with humility, and spread love. Learning to choose light and love over darkness that wishes to grow until it consumes everyone and everything. Ha – like The Neverending Story. 🙂 The Nothing. I’m not there yet all the time, clearly. But self awareness gives us a way to develop. We’re in it together and none of us is exempt. I
love you brother. May you find your way. I know that happiness is there for you as you make it through the grief and anger process if you have an open and willing mind.
We’re all rooting for you.
Love… 🙂
Thx, Heather. I’m not setting up house in bitterness. I guess that’s what y’all who read this are seeing. Obviously, I’m unable to communicate what I’m feeling, and I can’t explain what’s going on. I’m just broken. I know me. I can’t move on without looking back over and over and over and over for the rest of my life wondering, afraid I lost my opportunity for what I wanted most because I couldn’t hack it, but I’m incapable of continuing the path. I’m just breaking… losing myself. I don’t have what it takes to continue to walk it, to continue to trust that God is really directing this. Continuing to walk the path… it’s the same torturous experience, just the other way… afraid… wondering… am I right? Will I get what I’ve trusted in? I’m not capable right now of being the man who can handle this. I’m not capable right now of being able to say I’m okay spending the rest of my life following this path, possibly never getting what I long for with all my heart.
What do you need? How can we help? We are here for you. You are not alone.
I have a lot to say…but it would just be a lecture…when all I really want to do, is smack you around a bit and give you a big long bear hug.
Thanks. There’s not really anything anyone can do. But thank you. I have to choose. I know I’m not capable right now of leaving the path I’ve walked for so many years without looking back, constantly, devastated that I didn’t have what it took, and afraid that perhaps I lost what I wanted most because I couldn’t handle the cost. But staying on the path is the same torturous experience but from a different source. If I stay the course, I know I’m incapable, right now, of doing so without being afraid it’s wrong, that it’ll never lead where I’ve trusted it’ll go. That’s the trapped hell I find myself in. I personally am incapable, right now, of taking either road without it being excruciating, a lifetime of regret on the one hand, but likely getting something akin to what I want, or the continued uncertainty of following a path that just… seems crazy in so many ways but has been my best understanding of where god wants me. But it means… every day walking in the dark, hoping that some day I’ll get what I long for but knowing it won’t come unless I’ve been correct in my understanding, that this is the best path… And… I just don’t trust it. It’s hell. Every direction. I’m trying.
Hang in there. You are strong. Miracles and blessings do happen.
Wish I had an answer, a solution for you.
As I do so often, I echo Heather. Give your pain and disappointment the balm of love and forgiveness. Anger is natural, but is an excuse for inaction, or worse. Not one of us lives a regret-free life. You’re not special in this. You can learn from people who’ve been there, if you humble yourself. Unlearning regret is the path we are all on. There are wise people who have studied their whole lives to help people in the need you’re in now. I don’t know where our need to do everything alone came from, but it is one fallacy I have had to unlearn, too. I urge you, if this problem is too big for you, take it to a professional. Like headache medicine is real, like antibiotics save lives, psychiatrists save lives, too. But if you choose just to continue to play one-on-one with God, remember God is the love you carry inside you, so if you’re kicking this ball to God, get your love feet ready to play.
Thx, Tish. I know I need to choose. I just… I’ve walked the one road for so many years. It’s been, to the best of my understanding, the best I have… it’s the path. But it’s killing me. I don’t have what it takes right now to follow it. I’m drowning. But leaving the path. I… that might break me even more. See my replies to Heather and Blogreader for more. I’m not trying to be stubborn or arrogant or do it alone. I’m just… 🙁