I’m getting worse. Angrier, more resentful.
I wish I could say that weren’t the case, but day by day, I can feel myself… like a pressure cooker…
😕
Today was rough. It wasn’t even that everything went sideways, though plenty certainly did. I just… I’m losing it. I’m not me anymore. Well… I guess I’m me: I’m just not a me I like. It’s like my heart has been replaced by an angry, resentful, vindictive…
It’s bad.
And I’m getting worse.
I don’t know how to fix this. I feel trapped in my life. Unable to make a choice to give up and forget what I’ve trusted in for so many years that’s killing me because I just don’t have what it takes to keep going but can’t let it go because part of me really does believe it’s right… and unable to keep going on the path because I’m crumbling. I’m almost unrecognizable in who I am. Following this path is killing me. Killing me. Quitting will kill me, too.
I just want it to be over, but with understanding.
Please, let it be over, and let me understand.
This is killing me. Killing me.
I’m losing it. Hanging my a thread. A thread.
Lift the World 
Other people’s expressions of love are too easy to ignore. Dive deep, and have the courage to love and forgive yourself. You are one of the strongest people I know. But you’ve been walking a path made of opposing magnets and keep railing on yourself for backsliding or making little progress, when it is the path and not the walker. Take a breath. Literally. Feel the air enter you. It is natural to exhale. What happens if you try and hold on to that air? The life giving air turns to poison. Discomfort, pain, eventually you must let go, or your body will pass out for you to force you to let go. Do not be angry. Love the breath and the breather. I love you, Stephen. This is only killing you because of your insistence on holding on. Let go, live well, as if this were your first day. That is truly one of the hardest things to do. But I know how strong you are.
Love,
Tish