2021-08-10 — Hope and Withdrawals

Started off pretty rough today, really struggling, so I texted my Hill brother and asked if he could chat, and he made some time for me, for which I’m grateful.

Somewhere around… noonish? we went to the deck that overhangs the creek and chatted. I told him what I’m struggling with, and we talked for a decent little while. There wasn’t much he could say to solve the issues. There’s not really much anyone can do. I have to make decisions on what I’m going to believe and then what I’m going to do about it. I’m afraid. Plain and simple. Terrified. I don’t want to make a decision. I’m afraid of every direction, so I’ve been hiding.

I’ve faced this same decision so many times before, and I’ve made my choice again and again and again, but I’ve never been able to hold to it. Eventually, I let fear creep in, and then stampede through, and I let myself get smacked around by it.

I’m still not ready to make a decision, but talking to Jim helped me get my bearings a little bit. The thing that stuck out was to make a plan to fight the daily battles but to not worry about the war right now.

I left that conversation hopeful, pretty calm, and with a clearer head than I’ve had in a little while, which was good.

It’s hard right now, no denying that, but the anger has melted away, as has the resentment. Gone. And there’s some hope there that wasn’t there yesterday. There’s some clarity there that wasn’t there yesterday, there’s some strength there that wasn’t there yesterday, and so here we are.

Battle plans.

I know I enjoy life more and feel better when I leave TV and movies out of it. It’s just… a truth for me. I have so much I want to do. There are so many things that are so much more fulfilling to me, things that fill my heart instead of entertain my mind.

So… I’m suffering some pretty significant withdrawals at the moment because I want to escape into TV and movies right now, but I’m… not. I closed my Amazon.com tabs, and I’m just writing this journal entry, scheduling, and going to bed.

I look forward to the day when I’m free of the craving and the habit to escape into that stuff. I know it will come. I’ve been there multiple times before, and I’ve always been so grateful when I get back to that point.

So… a little more hope today. A bit of mild anxiousness. But leaps and bounds ahead of where I was yesterday. Leaps and bounds.

Thanks, for all your support. Messages, texts, emails, comments, etc.

Love to you all.

Thanks, for lifting my world.

~ stephen