2021-11-27 — Slipping

Hey, folks. 🙂

I’m slipping. I took the day off yesterday (at least from actually fixing cars), but I just couldn’t… get going. When I tried to be productive, I just had… nothing. Not that I didn’t have energy. I just had no motivation–at all, no drive.

The result of my day off was a much-wasted day that left me feeling worse. Sure I got my taxes turned in for 2019 (she still hasn’t responded, though). Sure I made some progress on getting my dozer prepped for hopeful repair, sure I spent a little time working on my palace, sure I was able to improve my focus a little while working on my dozer, but overall, it was a day that… I spent hours just wasting my time watching YouTube videos that were… not complete wastes of time, as I learned from most of them, but certainly not anywhere near the priority list.

And granted, I know it’s healthy to have breaks, vacations, etc. but this wasn’t that. This was… more running away, I think. Why would I want to run away? Because all of this that I’m doing, though very good, is still hard. I’ve got years of habits and years of thought patterns I’m trying to overwrite. I’ve given myself the added pressure of recording my life both in written form and on video (and here’s the link, for last night’s video, btw).

It’s pressure.

It’s good pressure. It’s helping me stay going and focused and not just let myself slip, which would be so easy with less external accountability partners, but it’s still pressure, and it’s still hard, and there’s a lot going on in this brain of mine and in my life.

Anyway, yeah. So much to do all the time, and I’ve given myself this massive challenge right in the middle of so much else going on, so many choices I’ve made in the past that are affecting me significantly right now by sucking up my time, my most prized and valued resource.

And I think yesterday, ironically, I wasted that precious time in an effort to escape the pressure? Or escape the fact that I keep dropping the ball in the more important areas because I still focus so quickly, and first on the daily to-dos that are of little lasting value but need to be taken care of. They’re like weights dragging me down as I try to swim the English Channel.

And I’m still not doing very well on this morning journal thing. It’s just so… foreign, forced, out of place. But I want my journal type written, so I can search it and so I can post it, and I want to get the most effective sleep (no screens before bed), and I go to bed early, and that limits my evening social time, which is the normal social time, and I don’t want to cut into that potential social time even more than I already am, so morning, hands down, makes the most sense. But it’s not… working.

Maybe it’s just time. Need to give it time. Need to give my brain and routine a chance to adjust. It’s just… a huge adjustment. Not sure why, but it’s huge.

1. I’m grateful

Wait… you know what it is? The running away… it’s because I’m impatient. It’s because there’s so much grind and so little of the desires I give more power to coming back. That’s what it is, so much work, so little of what I’m hoping for coming. That’s why I’m tired. That’s why I’m slipping. I want more results in the areas I want to see them. I’m getting results, but not in the areas I want to see them.

That’s what’s going on…

So… the obstacle is the way. So… we’ll get back on the horse. I’m not here for me. I’m here for you. And you. And you. And you.

It’s not about me.

1. I’m grateful to have reminders of what I want most. What I want now can be so blindingly powerful that it covers what I want most, so I’m grateful for the reminders.
2. I’m grateful for y’all’s encouragement.
3. I’m grateful for the opportunity to face hard things and overcome them.
4. I’m grateful for the progress I’m making in disciplining my mind. I’m becoming more disciplined, little by little.
5. I’m grateful for the good hearts in what I believe is the majority of humanity.
6. I’m grateful for food. Something like 9 million people each year die from hunger or hunger-related diseases/complications. Compared to the world population, that’s a tiny fraction, but it’s hunger. And that’s a lot of people. I wish I could change the world all at once. But I can’t, yet. In the meantime, I can be grateful for the luxuries I enjoy. I can do my part to solve the problems, and I can remember.
7. I’m grateful that it’s going to be a bit warmer today.
8. I’m grateful to be more motivated this morning just writing what I’ve written.
9. I’m grateful to be making steady progress with my taxes.
10. I’m grateful for sunshine. 🙂

Today’s Priorities:

1. Practice focusing on love–for everyone, all the time. And when little twinges of fear come in, reframe them through love, and choose love.
2. Make and priorities both short and long-term to-do lists based on what I want most.

Daily Accountability

• Bed last night at 8:30: 😎
• Up at 3:30: 😎
• 5x5s: 😎
• Exercise: x
• Cold shower: x
• Meditation: x
• Breakfast: 😎
• NP Work: x
• Tax Work: 😎
• Lunch: 😎
• Work done by 6: N/A
• Dinner: 😎
• Only truly healthy foods: Think I did pretty well? Only real question is the granola, honestly.
• No Wasted Life: 🤦‍♂️😬😕
• No Distracted Driving: N/A
• Faced a Fear: 🤦‍♂️😬😕
• Tamed the tongue: 😎
• Bag of veggies: x

Overall, I’m doing well in making progress. Yesterday was a blip. My happiness is still lagging behind my other progress, so that’s… not so fun. But I’ve been more positive and happier lately. Just the last few days have been a little more rough.

Lift the World

~ stephen