Hi, folks,
It’s been a bit of a devastating day for me. I made an unwise choice last night. After signing up for one single’s site, I decided to sign up for a couple of others. One of them ended up being a significant trigger that led… ugh… yeah, and how.
😞
I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I signed up for match.com (that wasn’t the problem). That has been a good app so far. Then I signed up for Plenty of Fish because… somebody mentioned finding their person on that app, and it was cheap, and I figured, if I’m going to do this, I might as well go all in. Then I made a stupid decision. A friend of mine who’s a really good guy had used the app Tinder, and so I got that one, too.
Well, that one was awful for my addiction. Match.com was solid. POF was pretty decent, Tinder… no. I’d heard not-so-great things about it, but my friend used it regularly, I think, and he is a solid guy and doesn’t struggle with the issues I struggle with, at least not that I’m aware of, so I got it, too.
Ugh. 🤦♂️
What on earth was I thinking.
😞
Lots and lots and lots of people on the app, which is great and is where most other sites fall short. They just don’t have many members, so you spend your money, and you poke around for an hour, and… you’re done… waiting for more people to sign up. Tinder… no… there’s a gazillion people on there. And there lots and lots of normal profiles, but there were also a bunch of scantily clad profile pictures. Not the norm, but certainly plenty.
And me? Instead of running the other way, I lingered. It was almost addicting in and of itself just using the app, swipe left, swipe right, swipe left, swipe right… So many profiles to go through. So. Many.
That was last night.
Then this morning it… got worse. I spent a bunch of time on all the singles sites/apps, and that wasn’t bad in and of itself, but Tinder was triggering me, and badly. By the time I was driving away to work for the day, I was already feeling icky just from the browsing I’d done when I knew I should have stopped. But that wasn’t all, as I drove away, I was in full-on Lizard brain mode–having been triggered to my trigger’s trigger.
From there, it got even worse. My lizard brain went so nutsoid that before I even went to I first job, and in my flurry of signing up for dating sites, I signed up for one of those really awful sites–the hook-up kind.
I browsed it for, I don’t know, 20 minutes? (obviously a full-on relapse, which took me other places as well) before coming to my senses, deleting my account, and sort of finding myself dismayed, embarrassed, and ashamed.
Ugh…
I feel like a phony to the actual solidly-good people I’ve been messaging. It’s hard not to just throw everything away and give up, the message ringing in my ear “who’s gonna want to have anything to do with you? Look at what you do, what you’re like.”
Ugh…
I know I’m a good person. But days like these are really hard. It’s hard to see passed this crap. I’m better now than I was, and I’m facing the fear and being transparent. This is me. And maybe it’s a me that people won’t really want. I guess that’s completely possible. But I’m not gonna hide. I’m a good man, and I’ll beat this crap one day. May it be sooner than later.
Anyway, so it was a rough day–pretty much all day.
From that devastation, I went to the first job, which absolutely kicked my trash up one side and down the other. It was just a little Kia Forte 2.0 4 cylinder alternator, but… good heavens, it was a nightmare. The kia factory service instructions simply say to disconnect the battery, unbolt the starter, and take it out.
Right.
There’s no room to do that. So I took out the power steering pump that was above the alternator. That gave some room, but not enough. So I tried to take out the radiator fan, but everything was designed such that you had to take of a gazillion other things just for to undo the one thing you needed to get off. In the end, I think it took probably three hours or so for that job–a job which I underbilled for, I think, but whatever.
Gratefully, the second job was just a bad battery. And gratefully, again, the third job was just a loose battery connection. So… it was nice to have those two easy ones.
The morning crash led to crashing twice more again, but back to the regular crap I usually go to (not that that stuff is good either. It’s just… yeah…
Anyway…
It’s 8:30, and I’m going to go to bed.
- I’m grateful that i was able to find a way to get that alternator put in, finally. Turned out to be the crumbling radiator hose receiver plastic being so old and brittle that it crumbled away, giving just enough room to get the radiator fan out after… maybe an 45 minutes of struggling to get it out?
- I’m grateful that success is getting up and not giving up. Honestly, that’s hard to do today. With what happened this morning after having done so well lately, and with my hopes of people I was actually interested replying back to me dashed, they seeing my messages and choosing not to respond, it’s been a low day. But I’m getting back up, and I’m brushing myself off, and even if no one likes me ever, I can still lift the world. So… there you go. At least I can serve and love and lift.
- I’m grateful to have a washer and dryer. I remember how much work it is to clean each clothing garment by hand. I used to wash my clothes by using them as wash cloths. I’d just wash them in the shower, and I think sometimes put them right back on–wet. washers and dryers are really nice.
- I’m grateful to be almost on time to bed. I’m headed there now.
That’s all for today, folks.
Lift the World.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Stephen, believe it or not, I see significant progress here. Less “My behavior makes me all good or all bad and now I’m at ground zero” and more of an “I’m a whole human being with complex depths, shallows, strengths, and flaws, and my shallows and flaws (whatever they may be) do not define me.” I hope you let some motivational speakers be your “bedtime story”. You deserve the support! 🙂 You’re 100% right that who you are hasn’t changed because of some behaviors – positive OR negative. Who you want to be and who you practice at being is who you *are*. What you do that isn’t on the path you want or isn’t part of who you want to be is why a path is a life-long practice and not a destination or a club. Honesty is awesome. Everyone can benefit from more honesty about the things they struggle with, as well as the things they’re incredible at! 🙂 And then we’ll have more compassion on each other AND celebrate each other more!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Thank you, Hansandheather. I appreciate your support and encouragement.
This might hurt you or this might help you. This is just an opinion. A point of view. Not judging you.
Another way for you to look at it.
When you look at a woman and get triggered…you are raping her with your mind, your thoughts and your eyes, without touching her. When a man disrespects a woman, he sees her as a sex object, an item of pleasure. He doesnt care about her. He doesn’t know her. He doesn’t love her. He just uses her for his pleasure. He is not pleasing her. He is only pleasing himself. Using her. Raping her. Then tossing her away when he is done.
Do you know what love is? No you don’t. Love is when you are so in love with a person…you want to be as close to them as possible. You want to be intimate. You love them. They love you. You love their mind, their soul, their quirks, the good and bad and they love you the same. It’s love. It’s making love. A huge difference from mentally raping a woman because they are visually attractive. That’s all she is… A Visual Mental Rape. A young girl triggers you because you see them as a sex object. You dont know them. You dont care about them. You don’t love them. You are so vain…that you don’t want to know them you just want to use them.
You are not ready for a relationship. You will hurt them. Until you change your point of view. Clean your mind.
Learn to respect a woman for everything she is. Everything she has to offer. Not just a vain sex trigger.
You are better than this.
Abstain from your addiction at all costs. Clean your mind.
Think about what you’re doing.
Think about what you really want.
You want to lift the world. But supporting the porn industry is not lifting the world. A lot of these women were raped, molested, abused and porn is all they think they are worth.
Almost 40. You are almost 40! You set a goal to be a better person. To lift the world. Just do it!
Actions talk louder than words.
I don’t know you. I’ve never met you. I am not judging you.
I know you want more! I know you can do better. I know you are strong!
Who are you? Is this what you want to be? No it isn’t.
Learn to respect women.
You can beat this!! Over and over again you fall backwards.
Just stop.
Online dating isn’t working for you.
One day…you will look at woman and want to know how she feels, what she thinking, who she is.
But it will never happen if you keep raping them with your mind.
You are so talented! So smart! A hard worker! A good person! A giving person!
Be who you want to be!!
Thank you, Blogreader. Thank you for caring enough to risk hurting me.
My guess is what I’m about to write will sound naive, defensive, blind, etc.
I do understand the difference between love and lust. I know that when I’m engaged in that crap that I’m objectifying women for my own pleasure. I know it’s ugly and is the antithesis of love.
Perhaps it might be helpful for you to know (perhaps you do already and just got on a roll, or perhaps I’m simply misinterpreting your message, in which case, you can ignore this), that the struggles that people go through, the addictions they might have do not make them all or nothing of a given attribute. Struggling with sex addiction doesn’t mean that i don’t understand nor have experienced real love, nor that I’m incapable of feeling that way for someone.
We’re much more complex creatures than that. We can find ourselves doing and thinking things that we know are wrong and don’t represent what we believe it who we are the majority of the time.
I’ve struggled with this for 35 years. I’ve actively battled it. 12 step programs, counseling, completely disconnecting from any access via my electronics, begged and pleaded with god. I’ve battled and battled I’ve fought and fought and then fought some more.
Yes, I’m almost 40, and it’s very discouraging to have fought as hard as I feel like I’ve fought with this and to feel like i grow and progress in every area of my life but that one
Perhaps I am just weak. Perhaps I’m just that deficient that I still have seemingly almost nothing to show for it in that arena because i still relapse.
I honestly wonder.
How can someone have the values I have and believe what i truly believe and have battled for as long as I’ve *battled* still not have overcome? What on earth is so screwed up inside of me that i can’t just stop–that over a thousand 12-step meetings and countless strategies have gone into effect, and yet here i find myself still?
I don’t know the answer.
But I’m still searching, and I’m still battling, and I’m grateful for those who support me, and I’m grateful for those who understand.
I’m gonna keep fighting.
Thank you, for your desire and efforts to support me.
I will be reading through your message multiple times and will take it to heart.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
~ stephen