2022-06-15 — Under the Piles

Really rough day. Really struggling. I keep trying to move forward with the significant other area of my life after the mess of the last 12 years, but I can’t. It’s like it’s not in my DNA to be able to move forward without answers. I trusted what I thought was right so much… and now… I neither believe nor disbelieve, and… I can’t move on like that. Can’t move on when I don’t believe the way I’m going is right.

Man, I wish I knew how to stop believing something. Or to keep believing and just be confident. I’ve got neither and don’t know how to get either.

And I’m drowning. Never realized how little all the rest of my life would mean to me without someone to share it with.

Anyway, I fixed one car today. Could have done more, but… no. I decided to go home.

After getting home, I decided to work on putting the engine in my truck. I ran into issue after issue it felt like, and the last straw, the worst of all, was that one of the flexplate bolts was partially seized on, so when I took it out, it stripped out the threads inside the crank–the freaking crank. That’s pretty much the worst possible thing that could have happened. If the junkyward won’t issue me a refund, it could be a $4000 loss.

And when I finally was willing to let go of my lifelong commitment not to go into debt, not even for a house, inflation explodes, and the fed doubles interest rates, which makes monthly payments massively more expensive than what they were, and housing prices are still sky high but now with interest rates that are… awful.

It’s like I’m on the wrong end of every decision every freaking time.

It just… keeps piling on.

Discouraged beyond discouraged. Crashing right along with the economy and the market.

Tired. Manufacturing reasons to keep on going.

~ stephen