2022-06-21 — Experimentation

Hey folks,

I wasn’t going to write today, but I figured with what I’ve been going through and writing about, I’d probably better let you know I’m here and ok.

It’s been a hard day. The morning hardest of all.

Already quite down as a carryover from yesterday, I sank even lower first thing this morning after waking up and quickly coming to the realization that the last peripheral connection I mentioned from yesterday was now also gone.

I was devastated.

It’s hard to lose someone so close to me.

I don’t even know how to describe the loss, but there were tears, pain, fear… Lots of staring blankly into space.

I imagine I probably had pretty much a vacant expression on my face on the outside, while on the inside I was in agony, struggling to emotionally cope with… everything.

I just wasn’t functional.

Fortunately, I had enough function to reach out to every single person on my schedule and cancel everything, including the one that I had to actually call because he didn’t text. That was a really hard phone call to make, being in the state I was in. It’s hard to make myself do anything when I’m in that place; but I didn’t want to leave him hanging with me just disappearing on him.

So much easier to text.

But nor could I function enough to work today. It might be many days before I’m able again. We’ll see.

So I canceled everything, and I created a canned response text for everyone who called the rest of the day, letting them know that I wasn’t working and that it might be a long time before I was available again.

Customers who still replied saying they’d wait for me, even if it was weeks, received a message from me saying, no, I’m not emotionally able to handle anyone waiting on me right now.

Probably not a message one is used to getting from a mechanic.

Anyway, I suggested specific shops for each to reach out to instead of using me, so now my schedule is empty, completely empty. No one, anywhere waiting on me.

Funny, I had one customer tell me they’ve been trying to schedule me for three years. That was… odd. I guess something has come up each time… weird.

Anyway, it was a really hard, really painful morning.

My mom, unbeknownst to me, canceled her normal service at the family history library to be there for me, concerned for me and where I’ve been emotionally.

Thanks, mom.

I’m sorry, to all of you. I know it’s not easy to read what I’m writing and what I’m feeling and what I’ve contemplated. At the same time, that’s what this blog is about–being raw, real. I hold back far more than I want to with this blog, mostly for others’ sake. I can’t share everything like I want to, but this is something I can share that doesn’t take away others’ privacy, which is important to me to protect.

It’s not easy to write this stuff. I know it’s hard to read for those who care about me. I’m sorry. It’s where I’m at right now, and I’m embarrassed by it, but it’s reality for me, and I want to be real. I’m sorry for the pain it causes you who love me.

Anyway, by noon, I was so tired I was starting to have the long eyelid closes, so I excused myself (I was “talking” with my mom [mostly both of us sitting silently with me staring blankly]) and went upstairs to bed.

It was nice to rest, a break from the pain.

I slept for probably 3 1/2 hours. I wanted to sleep more, as an escape so I didn’t have to face everything, but my body was done resting.

I felt a bit better after getting up, and I decided to try to put some of the things I’ve believed to the test. I know I’ve had peace and felt like I was going down the right road when I trusted the things I thought were true, but the actual events I’ve lived through were just so hard, like a cruel game of “yep, you were right, and you’re about to receive what was promised” only to… not get it. Like “sike, ha ha ha.”

But as long as I trusted, I felt peace. I felt light. I felt inspiration. I felt growth and connection.

But I couldn’t hold onto that because I wanted the promises so badly and never seemed to get them–always getting enough reinforcement that I was on the right path to keep me following, but with the realization of the promises seemingly further and further away.

Until I broke.

This last time was the hardest of all of them, and I haven’t recovered from it. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I’ve tried trusting. That brought peace, but a peace I couldn’t hold onto because I’d watch my deepest desires get further and further away, seemingly.

I tried letting go and going the other direction, but I’ve been more miserable doing that.

So today, with everything that’s happened, I decided to experiment again. What would happen if I tried trusting again?

So I’m trying the scientific method, so to speak. I’m pretty scared to trust again, and I don’t, honestly, but I can experiment. And I can analyze the results. And maybe I’ll test a lot of different things. Trying to find truth.

It’s hard to express how hard it is to even contemplate trying to trust again. There’s real trauma there, and it runs deep, even if it’s of my own making (I’m not sure if it is or isn’t). It’s real. And just thinking about taking that on again has feelings well up that I imagine might be similar to a PTSD response.

Anyway, despite the great pain, I wasn’t contemplating taking my life today, at least, not that I can remember.

So that’s something.

Certainly, I’m overwhelmed and… (is there a more forceful word than overwhelmed?) yeah. The mountain I have ahead of me seems impossibly high, and I’m trying to remind myself that it’s one step at a time. Mostly, I’ve been drowning, though. Hopefully, I’ll get better at staying above water. Hopefully, I’ll get more hope back.

Anyway, so I’m trying to employ the scientific method. Observe, question, hypothesize, predict, test, repeat… I guess we’ll see what comes of it.

I’m trying to focus on wanting to do good wherever I can, to lift the world. I’m trying to focus on wanting joy and happiness for my friend in her life instead of focusing on what I’m losing in mine.

That’s really hard, but it’s who I want to be.

Hard times. Like I said, I feel a heavy heavy weight, buried under a mountain and barely able to move my fingertips as I try to dig out.

But I’m a little more resilient today than I was yesterday. I don’t know if it’s because I started one of the experiments of trying to trust again or what it is, but I guess we’ll see.

P.s. I’m gonna purposefully miss a day writing. I’ve written for over two years straight without missing a night, but I don’t want to feel hostage to a streak, so I’m gonna break it just to break it. I’ve kept it because historically when I break a streak, that break can completely break the habit.

Important note: I fairly recently (a month or two ago?) wrote about how I was proud of my streak. I didn’t learn until sometime after I’d written that post that one or more of you who also blog might have felt that comment as a judgment or criticism or jab for you not writing more often. Please know that such was not my intention whatsoever. I was just looking back and proud of myself for not missing a day because that’s been my goal for myself. Anyway, please forgive me if that came across as a jab. It wasn’t intended that way at all. Not at all.

Thanks, again, for your love and support.

Lift the World

~ stephen