Hey all,
Today was a repeat of yesterday. Good to see family, cousins I hadn’t seen in years. My sister from South Dakota, a 1st cousin once removed, I believe is the proper relation, etc.
Love and hugs.
Yep. Good to see them.
Personally, I’m doing much worse. I’m fighting the internal battle between not wanting to face this life anymore and not wanting to selfishly leave it when I have the ability to do good for others.
I’m struggling–immensely.
I have few distractions here and powerful reminders at every turn.
I’m tired.
Gonna try to sleep a bit before my shift starts to watch over my aunt at 3:00.
Other than spend time with family today, catching up and whatnot, I drove up Santaquin Canyon, but it was closed. So I went up Payson Canyon, were I slept for a few hours or so. Now I’m back at Heg’s house (my aunt and uncle’s house in Payson).
Good night, all.
~ stephen
Lift the World 
Stephen, please choose living.
Please.
Please see that ahead of you you have the opportunity to find a wonderful companion and even celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary! You’re still young enough even for that. And handsomer every year!
Stephen, please. Please!
If the internal schism between your faith and your experiences is keeping you in this depression please, please, find someone or several someones to use as sounding boards to help you navigate that tender challenge until you are free of it or have peace with it!
If some of this depression is chemical/genetic, it is *nothing* to be ashamed of! Look around at our immediate and extended family in whose lives anxiety and depression are huge factors. We have this legacy to bear in one form or another. *There is no shame in it!*
If there’s medical help that can help, please seek it.
If cognitive behavior therapy can provide tools to help you climb out of this pit please utilize it!
If the experiments you decided to try a few weeks ago can help, please continue.
If support from a good (hard to find, but not impossible!) *good* therapist can help, please seek that support, even if it takes a while to find good quality help.
If the love of family and friends can help, please, please use us/them! We all love you soooo, soooo, soooo much.
From the outside looking in, it hurts so much to see you trapped in this depression. Stephen, it hurts so much.
You are so wonderful and skilled and thoughtful and capable!
Please, find someone you trust on spiritual and/or emotional topics and please, please, please, use them as a support and sounding board! I know lack of trust in anyone is also inscribed in our dna – both lack of trust in the safety sense and lack of trust in the intelligence sense. This is a blessing and a curse.
Stephen, please, choose your wonderful future! Please trust that there is a way out of this pit! Please, choose to harness the support of all those around you.
We love you! We admire you! We appreciate you! We need you! YOU!
With all my love…
Thx, HansandHeather. I appreciate the love and kind words. Gratefully, trust isn’t an issue for me with this. I’ve talked and talked and talked about it. People have been generous and kind and been sounding boards. There’s just nothing anyone can actually do. But I appreciate the love and support.
Like the prisoner and the hundred walls. You have climbed so many. You have made yourself ready for happiness. If you give up now, when you’re so close, you will cheat yourself and the person who is waiting for you out of such joy…