I’m just about out of steam. It’s just one piece of bad news after another, and I’m just…
- I’m trying to buy a house/land/whatever. I’ve kept my credit pristine for my entire life. And now, without any warning, I’m suddenly in collections with the state of Arkansas with a lien filed in Benton County courts. I’m driving to Little Rock early in the morning to try to salvage some hope of resolution, praying that somehow it hasn’t hit my credit, which… is probably an impossibility.
- My brand new canopy… doesn’t work.
- My car insurance company just dropped me. I insure like five or six vehicles with them. I’ve never missed a payment. No accidents. No tickets. Boom. They said something about an underwriting problem.
- Today was our first job with trees, and I had to be there to work, which means I didn’t work on cars… so that sucked.
- I can’t get Google figured out for a resolution of their suspending my Haven Hill Tree Service business listing. I’m supposed to give them my business listing URL in order to appeal the suspension, but they suspended it before even giving me a URL, so I can’t even complete the application to fix the suspension, and you can’t talk to a live person. So… I’m pretty much screwed, it would seem.
- Two chainsaw chains got ruined today. One broke while I was using it. Never seen that before, and one came off on Stevie while he was chopping up fallen limbs.
- My body is killing me–ankles, knees, hips, back, and all my other ailments. Hurts so much, I can’t really… ugh. I don’t know.
I don’t want to be alive. I’ve been manufacturing reasons to stay going, but I don’t have really any hope, and with all this pain. I just want out.
I’m so tired. So so so so tired of this awful life. I want out.
On a positive note, Malaki came and rescued me–doing the last two jobs and working into the night to help me, since I was in so much pain.
Thanks, Malaki.
Lift the World 
Stay strong. Sounds like a lot at one time. What is the deal with the taxes? Don’t they send a notice first or a bill or late payment notice….anything before dropping a lien?
Be careful driving. Eat well. You can get through this.
Stephen, consider this:
-Constant work is an escape from ____.
-When work goes sideways, your escape doesn’t work, so you feel ____.
-Your body keeps the score. When you are upset on the inside, your body absorbs it. Of course your body hurts.
You can fix this by being kind to yourself, first. It’s OK to have intrusive thoughts, or an unresolved thing in your life. It’s OK to feel crappy about it. Have some compassion for yourself, first. You can choose to resolve the unresolved thing (or not). You’re going to be OK either way. You might start on a path toward great if you resolve the Thing.
I love you. Life is actually good, and I would miss you if you weren’t in it.
Life isn’t good, Jared. It might be for you. It’s hell for me. Daily hell, and it has been for a *long* long time. I’ve tried to resolve the biggest issue, but I’ve failed and have come to realize that my brain isn’t capable of resolving it. It will torment me every day forever, unless it’s resolved externally, as I can’t resolve it on my own mind and can’t let go of it. I’m just not capable. I can’t make my brain work any other way. I desperately wish i could.
My physical pain is real, not just some emotional issue, and it’s compounding the hell I’m already in. It’s not like I just had a really bad day. It’s daily hell that alleviates briefly when i manage to manufacture something to have hope in. But even those things are nothing, really, because their things I don’t even really care about, just avenues to reach goals that once had meaning and now don’t. Only when I forget they no longer have meaning to me do they manage to bring hope.
Compassion on myself would be saying goodbye to the world, instead of feeling selfish for ending it. Compassion would be letting it all be over instead of feeling like i have to stay alive to try to help a world that’s heading toward inevitable disaster anyway.
I appreciate your love. Thank you.
Stephen, I love you. That will never change. I’m right there with you in spirit. Please be safe today.
And I understand having feelings so strong you just need relief.
Love is bigger. I love you.
Did you make it to little rock? What happened? How are you doing?