2023-02-02 — I Hurt.

Well, it’s not quite morning, as after waking up, I ran into phone issues and spent quite a long time on the phone with T-Mobile trying to figure out reception problems and whatnot. They instructed me to switch my phone from 5G to 4G, as the 5G signal, though quicker, doesn’t travel as far.

The problem was that I had already attempted that myself and was still having issues. Our amplifier that we use in the house isn’t getting as good of a signal either. The upstairs box only shows one bar of reception, and the downstairs transmitter shows numbers around 7 and 8 when it should be 9.

So after spending who knows how long with customer service, they finally sent an order into send us an updated version of the amplifier. Hopefully that will help.

Hopefully, once the ice melts and the post office can resume sending packages to us, I’ll be able to repair my other phone and perhaps that one, being a top-end phone, will be able to get a better signal.

🤞

Since with my terrible reception, I didn’t want to be wandering around the house, I spent most of the morning in the kitchen trying to clean things up and clean things out. Something spilled inside the fridge that was all over the bottom of the fridge and all over the back. That’s going to take a while to clean up, but I got started on that. I also got started trying to clean off the counters of some of the things that have been on there for a while.

Morning Gratitude:

• It’s not 1:35 p.m., and I just put my body into the cold bath. I’m grateful that I have the courage to do that. It’s 51.4° in the water, and my body temperature starting out is 97.7. I was already very cold before I got in the water. It’s definitely a lot colder than it was last night. Extra five or six degrees of coldness with the water temperature. But I’m able to control my breathing, so that’s good.
• I’m grateful that I was able to get a little bit of kitchen stuff cleaned up today.
• I’m grateful that Austin is coming back today. It will be nice to have him back. He’s such a great guy and good to have around.
• I’m grateful that T-Mobile is going to send a new amplifier. Hopefully, that will resolve some of the reception issues we’ve been having at the house.
• I’m grateful that myself discipline is improving steadily, Day by day. I think this cold water ice bath thingy is going to continue to help with that. The temperature I’ve been keeping the house at is 56°, so I’m already cold when I get in a 51° bath. 🙃
• I’m grateful that though it was hard to fall asleep last night because I had lowered my body temperature so much, I was still able to fall asleep after a while. I knew it was a risk, getting the ice bath so late at night, as it actually wakes the body up, so I have no one to blame but myself for having it take longer to fall asleep, but I did fall asleep after not a terribly long time, and I think I got a fairly decent night’s sleep.
• I’m grateful that Thomas helped a bit with the kitchen straightening up.
• I’m grateful that I might have found a way to wedge my legs against the side of the tub to keep them fully underwater. 🙃

…

I’m… not doing well. It’s midnight. My knees and my hips are hurting badly enough that… I just… I’m discouraged. And… I’m afraid, honestly. I’m trying to remember that I have good times even my body doesn’t hurt. But right now, it’s bad. And the heartburn stuff has been really bad today–really bad.

I can’t take anything for the pain because it all exacerbates heartburn/acid/whatever i have issues.

Big kudos to the people who live with daily pain. I’ve had nerve issues for many years, but this… this is so much worse. Not because the pain is worse but because… of what it might mean. The pain certainly is bad, but the fear of what the rest of my life might look like… that’s… rough.

If life were to be every day like it is right now, I’d rather not be alive at all.

It literally feels like my body just keeps falling apart more and more. No joke, I’m afraid to to do any lifting or put strain on my body in nearly any way because the slightest things seem to injure me.

I’m wondering if it’s lack of proper nutrition. I don’t know. I went to the store today and bought a whole bunch of good stuff.

I just don’t understand. I’m only 41. But I guess it is what it is.

It’s like every time I start to make progress forward emotionally, something pops back up that knocks me down. I was making progress, but this pain issue just drops me dead in my tracks.

Once again, I don’t really feel like I’ve done much of anything today. I think I’ll just summarize the day with an evening gratitude post. Perhaps that’ll help me through this.

Evening Gratitude:

• I’m grateful that I was able to get the van down the driveway today. It slipped and slid, but I made it down without going into the ditch, so that’s pretty good.
• I’m grateful I was able to get all the recycling dumped off at the recycling center.
• I’m grateful that even though I was a day late, they were willing to still take back something that I bought off of amazon. It was due to be returned yesterday, but obviously, I couldn’t safely get down the driveway yesterday.
• I’m grateful that I was able to stay inside the cold tub. It was definitely a lot colder today. I stayed in about the same amount of time, 25 minutes, but it was only 51° water when I got in instead of 57° water. My body temperature drops down to about 94°. 😶 Not sure how far is too far to go in that regard. I actually felt pretty good inside the tub most of the time I was in there. I didn’t actually start feeling cold much until I got out of the tub. I’m guessing that’s how it normally works
• I’m grateful that I was able to get some good, healthy food today.
• I’m grateful for my desire to improve myself in every single way that I can.
• I’m grateful for the little bits of progress I’m making with my taxes.

I’m really struggling right now. It’s amazing to me how much pain can drag me down. Honestly, right now I don’t want to be alive. I’m just trying to remember that relief is likely to come, at least at some point, even if temporarily. I’m at least mostly pain free in the middle of the cold bath. So… I’ll look forward to that tomorrow, I guess.

The irony. I’m finally making the transition to spending my life helping the world, and now I hurt badly enough that I don’t even want to leave my room.

Oh well. Is what it is. Will do my best to make the most of what I have left.

Love and hugs. 😊

Lift the World

~ stephen