2023-05-14 — Mower Day

I’m pretty devastated.

I relapsed in my porn addiction, and that hurts a lot. It felt like pretty much the only area of my life that I was making meaningful progress on. And now just doesn’t feel like any progress at all. Just the same old stupid cycle.

So yeah, I’m pretty devastated right now.

In other news, I spent a massive chunk of the day trying to Make progress on the property. I guess that’s one of the things I missed recapping last week. I think probably maybe Thursday? I mowed a large portion of the super super steep hill on the south side of the pond.

It’s pretty crazy to try and mow that. The hill is just so steep. I point the mower down hill, and let gravity take me down.

Anyway, so I went back and finished the job. It was a heck of a lot of work to do, but now it’s done, and it looks a lot better. There were probably dozens if not hundreds of little trees that had been growing up. And wild blackberry bushes as well. It had turned into a big mess.

But I was able to get it all cleared out and cut down and mowed off, and now it looks a lot better, and it’s one less thing that acts as a wet blanket for other people living here on the hill who are just as stressed as I am.

It’s one of those things where you come home every day, and you see that hill and how out of control it is compared to how it used to be, and it just one more thing, one more weight, one more big project among the millions of projects that need to be done.

But at least this one’s done now, for now. It’ll require maintenance And what not, but it’ll be easier from here– provided we stay on top of it this time.

I also mowed the triangle at the base of our driveway that was super overgrown and not nice looking at all. I mowed by the mailboxes as well, and I once again mowed a path across the field from the road to the deck over the creek.

There was more mowing I wanted to do, but the mower decided to take a couple of… breaks.

The first one the battery is completely bad, so I have to jump start the mower.

So I had to go home and get my jump box for that.

And then I realized that the belt was so loose that it wouldn’t go forward or backward. I spent probably an hour trying to figure it out before I realized there was so much grass stuck underneath the brake that it couldn’t tighten the belt back up.

And then after all that, the deck blades stopped engaging. After the third issue in the same day, I was pretty much done. I was exhausted. It’s been hot and humid, so I was completely drained, and with three issues in one day and all the other stuff I’m struggling with, I was just done.

I guess that must have reduced my ability to fight off temptation as well so ceiling as rough as I already was feeling, I ended up relapsing in my addiction, and then decided I would watch a movie as well.

Not smart. Not smart at all.

So yeah, the one area where I felt like I was starting to make progress where everything else just seems to be going nowhere or almost nowhere, now that one’s back to square one, or at least it feels like it again. Just that cycle that I’ve been dealing with since I was a youngster.

(sigh)

I’m struggling a lot right now. It’s Monday morning, and it feels like it should be Saturday night. Drained. Exhausted. Discouraged. Struggling a lot. I didn’t even do really anything for my mom for mother’s Day yesterday. I was trying to do yard stuff to make everything look nicer… But I didn’t really make much progress in anything that would be meaningful or out of the ordinary, so nothing special at all. 😕

Gosh, I need to get out of this hole I’m in.

Love and hugs. 😊

Lift the World

~ stephen